Bill and Joe were playing golf one day.
Bill hooked it over to the left deep in the woods, and Joe sliced it way to the right.
When Bill got to his ball, it was in a big patch of buttercups! He tried hitting it about 5 times before he could finally get it out. When he finally did, in a BIG puff of smoke a little old lady appeared. She said,
"Look what you did! It has taken me years to grow all of these buttercups. For the rest of your life, no more butter for you! for your potatoes, toast, for your vegetables, no MORE BUTTER!"
After the shock wore off, he started running across to Bill to tell him the crazy thing that just happened. "Joe, Joe where are you? You won't believe this!"
Joe responded, "I'm in the pusssy willows!"
Bill Said, "DON'T HIT!!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T HIT!!!!"
I was in Isreal and I see an old man at the Wailing Wall and the guy is praying.
When he finishes I go over to him and I say to him, I say "Excuse me sir, can I ask you a few questions? How long have you been coming to this wall, and what do you pray about."
"Oy, for sixty years I'm coming to this wall two maybe sometimes three time a day! What am I praying for? I always ask the same thing, the the Jews the Christians and the Moslems can all live together in peace and harmony!"
"Wow! For sixty years? Every day! How does it make you feel?"
"Like I'm talking to a f**king wall!"
A firm put a sign in the window saying "HELP WANTED. You must be a good typist and have good computer skills. Successful applicant must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time later a lovely golden retriever dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it, whined and pawed the air.
The receptionist called the office manager. He was surprised, to say the least, to see a canine applicant. However, the dog looked determined so he led him into the office.
Inside, the dog jumped up on a chair and stared at the manager expectantly.
The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you must be a able to type."
The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to quickly type a perfect business letter. He took out the page with his mouth and trotted over to the manager, gave it to him, then jumped back up on the chair wagging his tail.
The manager was stunned, but told the dog, "That was fantastic, but I'm sorry. The sign clearly says that whomever I hire must have computer skills."
The dog jumped down again, went to the computer and proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs. He produced a sample Excel spreadsheet, a sample Power Point presentation, retouched a picture with Photo Shop, and then printed all of them for the manager.
The manager was dumbfounded. He said to the dog, "Listen, I realize that you are a very intelligent applicant and have fantastic talent, but you're a dog!
There's no way I can hire you!"
The dog jumped down and went to the sign i n the window and pointed his paw at the words, "Equal Opportunity Employer."
The exasperated manager said, "Yes, I know what the sign says. But the sign also says you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked him straight in the
eye....................................... and said,
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a doctor."
So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.
He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart."
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.
Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart
The Italian Golfer…
An 80-year-old Italian goes to the
doctor for a check-up. The doctor is
amazed at what good shape the guy
is in and asks, "How do you stay in
such great physical condition?“
I’m Italian and I am a golfer,” says
the old guy, “and that’s why I’m in
such good shape. I’m up well before
daylight and out golfing up and down
the fairways. I have a glass of vino,
and all is well.”
“Well,” says the doctor, “I’m sure that
helps, but there’s got to be more to it.
How old was your Dad when he died?”
"Who said my Dad’s dead?"
The doctor is amazed. “You mean you’re
80 years old and your Dad’s still alive.
How old is he?”
“He’s 100 years old,” says the old Italian
golfer. “In fact he golfed with me this
morning, and then we went to the topless
beach for a walk and had a little vino and that’s why he’s still alive.
He’s Italian and he’s a golfer, too.”
“Well,” the doctor says, “that’s great, but
I’m su re the re’s more to it than that. How
about your Dad’s Dad? How old was he
when he died?”
"Who said my grandpa’s dead?"
Stunned, the doctor asks, “You mean you’re
80 years old and your grandfather’s still
living! Incredible, how old is he?”
“He’s 118 years old,” says the old Italian golfer.
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point,
“So, I guess he went golfing with you this
"No. Grandpa couldn’t go this morning
because he’s getting married today."
At this point the doctor is close to losing it.
“Getting married!! Why would a 118 year-
old guy want to get married?”
“Who said he wanted to?”
This is one of the funniest videos I’ve seen in a long time.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BQLt1jUHQc8
The Big Bad Wolf
One day a first grade teacher was reading the story
of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the
part of the story where the first pig was trying to
accumulate the building materials for his home.
She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with the
wheelbarrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but
may I have some of that straw to build my house?'"
The teacher paused then asked the class,
"And what do you think that man said?"
One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said
'Holy Shit! A talking pig!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
The Olympics in Beijing reminded me of this one:
It’s called, Ed Zachary Desease
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist.
Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex therapist Dr. Chang.
So she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room Dr. Chang said 'OK take off all your crose. 'The woman did as she was told. 'Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room. ’
Again the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said ‘OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me.’ So she did.
Dr.Chang shook his head slowly and said ‘Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary disease.
Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates.’ Worried the woman asked anxiously 'Oh my God Dr.Chang what is Ed Zachary Disease Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied ‘Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass.’