Guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent.

We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.

You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will  have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy, wide-eyed, said, "You're bullsh*ttin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . . . you started it.

Dust,

That one's a keeper!

!!!

A woman went to a pet shop & immediately
spotted a large, beautiful parrot…

There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

“Why so little,” she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, “Look, I should
tell you first that this bird used to live in a house
of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty
vulgar stuff.”
 
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway.

She took it home and hung the bird’s cage up
in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and
said “New house, new madam.”
 
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication,
but then thought “that’s really not so bad.”

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, “New house, new madam, new girls.”

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman’s husband Kevin came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, 


“Hi, Kevin!”  

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day.
Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world." Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in theworld." Quasimodo said, "I  absolutely have to be the most disgusting person in the world." So they all decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to  have their claims verified. Sleeping Beauty went in first and came outlooking deliriously happy. "It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world."  Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am now  officially the smallest person in the world."  Sometime later, Quasimodo comes out looking utterly confused and  says,  "Who the hell is Rosie O'Donnell?

So a guy gets a job as a stock broker.

He's through the training.

He's smiling, he's dialing, he's listening to the Hoot and Holler (which is also known as the Squawk Box, but... well you know)

One day he decideds it's time to call DOD (Dear Old Dad) who has plenty of money and has been dealing with stock brokers for as long as junior can remember.

"Dad!"

"Yes son?"

"Dad, I was just listening to the Internal Communication Device. There was a call, specifically for the top of the class new guys and the head of trading himself came on to tell us about a great opportunity.."

"Yeah?" said dad, who didn't want to spoil the mood.

"Yeah! As it turns out there is this stock that the firm follows but can recommend..."

"Oh? Why's that?"

"Well the guy said that the company is too small, and if they cam out and told everybody about it, it would run up too fast, and so they're going to introduce it slowly, during dog and pony shows about other things over the next year..."

"What do the earnings look like?"

"Oh, that's what's great about this company! it earned a penny last year and is trading at ten dollars a share. The analysts think it'll earn 2 cents next year and at that multiple, the stock is a sure double. Dad I don't call you on just any stock! This one is a sure fire hit and I wanted you to get some!"

"How are things going son? Are you getting a lot of clients?"

"Oh yeah dad! I'm knocking the cover off the ball, that's why they included me in this special call! 'Course, anybody in the firm can listen but it was directed only to the toppermostist guys."

"So you're selling a lot of these stocks to your new clients?"

"Oh yeah."

"You making a loty of money?"

"Well yeah I'm doing gross, but you know how it is, after expenses and the firm's cut and whatnot, that's why they have these calls, because they offer us the stock on the bid, and then they print it at the ask plus the commission so it helps new guys that are workin hard. It's a great firm I work for, one of the best one the street! I think it is THE best, especially in the research department! Did you know we have one of the youngest research departments on all of Wall Street? Our guys have the latest MBAs with all the newest computer tools available and the most modern investment theories of any firm on the street!"

"So you're eatin good? Your mother'll get mad if I don't ask!"

"Well, yeah, well there's always some guy taking the guys out to lunch or dinner someplace, you know, guys for mutual fund companies and annuities, that sort of thing."

"You've hit your goals then? The firm requirements."

"Oh yeah."

"Well, then let's see, what if I were to buy 500 shares of this stock..."

"I think you should get a thousand dad, that's the minimum lot they're giving this deal on."

"OK 1,000. How much commission would you make on that, including the markup."

"Um, well $1,000. But I was gonna discount that for you..."

"$1,000, and how much of that would hit your grid?"

"Well, cause I'm still new $750, but if I weren't at the top, I'd only get $500!"

"Sounds like you're doing great. Now, of the $750, how much do you get?"

"Thirty Percent Payout meannnnnnssss.... $225"

"And what's that after taxes and deductions?"

"About $135, see, I'm not trying to beat you here."

"How about if we do this? How about If I just write you a check $270 and that way you'll have gotten the commission that you would have made for buying and for selling it, and I won't have to lose $5,000 of my $10,000 investment or the love of my son!?"

OK so it's not all that funny it's poigniant! I'm going surfing, Ill be back before the close. Anybody calls, take a message! 

Must have been an inside joke, didn't get it. ???

BigTaco, any more?

I know Dumb Blonde jokes are played out, but they still make me laugh:

Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a bar around 9:58 PM.
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
  The 10:00 PM news was coming on. The news crew
was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll  jump?"
Bob says, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money." Bob replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news and so I knew he would jump."
The blond replied, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again." Bob took the money.

uh, i just re-read this joke after copy-pasting it.  why is Bob a “handsome dude”?  does this add to the humor?

[quote=WYSIWYG]

Must have been an inside joke, didn't get it. ???

BigTaco, any more?

[/quote]

This is where I'm going to be rude and say that YOU'RE the weekend joke.

You hang out on an investment forum and you don't know how commissions work?  Oh, that's right, you don't work in the industry anymore.  You wanted "your subscription cancelled."

The problem is, is that it really isn't funny.  It's sad and pathetic.

So Anna, she lives in a small Italian community she moved to with her new husband recently.

As with small Italian communities, there are small Italian old men who plant their gardens every year and they boast about how soon their tomatoes ripen.

Anna's neighbor, Luigi, always has the earliest ripening tomatoes and so one day Anna asks him how she can do it.

(Assume a good Italian accent)

"It'sa very simpa, nexta morning you comea down ina you batharobe, you stand ina front ofa you tomatoes, you open upa da robe, you tomatoes, they blush!"

"That'sa whatayoudo?"

"Si, si I learna disa from my fatha, he'sa learn froma his fatha, so ona back. You trusta me what I'ma tella you!"

So the next morning our lovely, young, naive Anna comes outside in only her bathrobe. She flashes the tomato plants, good and long.

Later, she see's Luigi and she says to him angrily, "Hey! Whasaforyou? I did whata you said and look, my tomatoes, they stilla green!"

Luigi moves his hands apart and says, "Yeah, but looka you cucumbas!"

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health.
It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional
studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you

Jesus is out playing a quick nine holes, St. Peter is his caddy. As they approach a long shot to the first green, Jesus turns to St. Peter and says, " Which club do you think I should use for this shot? ".

St. Peter looks over the course and says, " I say, a seven iron. "

Jesus shakes his head, " I don't know, I think Tiger Woods would use a nine iron. "

St. Peter grunts, " Look, you have a large bunker in front of the green and a lake behind, definitely go with the seven iron. "

" Nah", says Jesus, " I know Tiger would use a nine, give me the nine iron ".

So Jesus takes his shot, and the ball takes a nice flight but goes bouncing off the green into the lake.

They go walking down to the lake, and of course Jesus walks across the water to fetch his ball.

A fellow coming up the other fairway passes St. Peter and sees Jesus walking on water and says, " Who does he think he is, Jesus Christ?"

" Naah", says St. Peter, " he thinks he's Tiger Woods".

I think the first time I heard that one it was Sammy Snead!

I don’t get it…if he used a 7 iron like his caddy said, wouldn’t he have overshot the green straight into the lake?

[quote=trisyn]I don't get it...if he used a 7 iron like his caddy said, wouldn't he have overshot the green straight into the lake?[/quote]

Great, I found a golfer here! :0. My source is, " The New York City Cab Driver's Joke Book ", which I would recommend and is a great prospecting tool to send out to HNW prospects with money and a sense of humor. Anyway, I kept their version after thinking about it. So much of humor depends upon the unexpected.

( I guess Jesus is no ordinary golfer, you know, traditional Christianity says he exists, with god, before creation ... try to get your mind around that one. )

[quote=GolFA]

[quote=trisyn]I don’t get it…if he used a 7 iron like his caddy said, wouldn’t he have overshot the green straight into the lake?[/quote]

Great, I found a golfer here! :0. My source is, " The New York City Cab Driver's Joke Book ", which I would recommend and is a great prospecting tool to send out to HNW prospects with money and a sense of humor. Anyway, I kept their version after thinking about it. So much of humor depends upon the unexpected.

( I guess Jesus is no ordinary golfer, you know, traditional Christianity says he exists, with god, before creation ... try to get your mind around that one. )

"The New York City Cab Driver's Joke Book ", which I would recommend and is a great prospecting tool to send out to " people with last names that are 16 letters long with no vowels!

New York City cab drivers need deodorant, not joke books!

Just what I want, a guy who smeels of old falafels and speaks in a language I do not, telling me jokes nearly as stale as he is as he "conveniently" takes the route that has the most traffic  on the way to the West Side Highway to get me to the East side of town!

When was the last time a New York City cab driver didn't see Jesus Christ as the sworn enemy and God of the infidel? "Here mister. letmetellyouajokeabout JesusChrist(Hockpituie)playinggolwithVishnu(hockpituie)andth eir good friend satan! Allahakbar!"