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Feb 18, 2010 9:31 pm

My name is 2wheeledbeemer, and I'm an L.E.D.aholic.

It all started innocent enough, and looking back, it's almost forgivable.  On a due dilly trip to Boston to make the rounds 6-8 years ago, and TiffaCandiBrennaShana working the _____ fund booth in the Big Room was handing out an early gen, single l.e.d. keychain light.  Cool, I thought, even though I'll be moving 50 million dollars out of your funds over the next 18 months and I will always immediately rub your quarterly fund guide upon my proud, firm buttocks vigorously and with malice aforethought when it shows up in my box, I will gladly accept this groovy little unit.

And thus began my slide into lumens lust.   The next Christmas, searching for the perfect gift for my in-laws, an inspired flash of genius sent me down the aisle with the flashlights, and I snag a couple of 3 l.e.d. units.  Not much of a throw, but nice close up, and great little stocking stuffers.  They were thrilled, and my father-in-law immediately blinds himself temporarily in his left eye looking directly into the lens to confirm that, yes, it is very bright, pure light.  (sidenote-he needed cataract surgery later that year, but only in his RIGHT eye.  Coincidence?  I choose to believe in the healing caress of The Beam)   Fast forward to my teen son's next birthday, and my quest is clear.  I must find this Fruit of My Loins the baddest l.e.d. flashlight the world has to offer.  Never mind the question my Blushing Bride brings forth, as it's totally off point to ask, "Is this for you or him?"  How can she ask that?  I am he, and he is me, my young Warrior Prince version of my own self.  He must be fully equipped to battle the Forces of Darkness, and his Sword of Truth must blaze forth with all might.  So, the latest edition of Tactical Equipment Extravaganza is plucked from my bathroom reading pile, and an order is placed for the hottest unit they offer which does not require its own external gasoline powered generator.   Birthday afternoon.... Warrior Prince Son: (opening present) Dad, it's a flashlight??? Me: No, it's not just a flashlight, it's a TurboNitroLumo 9000 with a compass in the stock.  You can shine a beam to Neptune with this. Warrior Prince Son: So, it really is just a flashlight? Me: (grabbing the TurboNitroLumo 9000 and punching it on) No, it's not "just a flashlight!" Look at that?  Have you ever seen "just a flashlight" shoot out a beam like that? Now, extinguish your sister's hair and don't ever aim this at a person like I just did.   And that was just the beginning of my Excuses to Buy.  From that point on, every birthday, Christmas, Arbor Day, whatever, I'm skulking through the aisles at Lowes or HD, comparing lumens, wattage, aluminum case vs. polymer, while deciding on how many of these I'm going to buy and hide behind that pair of Air Jordan cross trainers at the back of my closet which I can't make myself throw away.  They got smaller, but more powerful, and much easier to hide.   Now, in 2010, I rest easy in the knowledge that I'm never more than 5 steps away from an immediate application of smokin' hot, pure white energy should the power go out or the balloon go up.  That Junk Drawer in the kitchen with the rubber bands, twist ties, random screwdrivers, coupons and birthday candles?  Check.  Bathroom?  Check.  Den?  Check and check.  Vehicles, two and four wheeled?  All check.  Garage itself?  I've lost count.  Pic rails on various gunpowder-fueled toys?  Check, check, check.   Is it a sickness?  I don't know, and I don't care.  Whatever it is, it's got me, and I'm proud to revel in its glory.  I'm just waiting for the l.e.d. welding torch, and that's all I need.  That, and this remote control.  And this lamp....
Feb 18, 2010 9:42 pm

If you think LED lights are great, you should check out actinic lights that saltwater fish guys use for their big coral tanks.  Pop the hood on one of those setups and your eyeballs will simply melt away into oozing streams of goo. 

Feb 19, 2010 3:54 am

Beemer, you have truly missed your calling…

Feb 19, 2010 6:50 pm

Stay away from the cans, Beemer