Weekend Joke
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FW Courtroom humour
These have been around before, but are still good.
These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts of America, and
are things
people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by
court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges
were
actually taking place.
___________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
_____________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
forgot?
__________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
__________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
__________ _______________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
_______________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
_______________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old , how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one...
______________ __ _______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
_______________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
_______________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______ _____ _______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY : Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people
________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go
to?
WITNESS: Oral.
________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy on him!
________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure ?
WIT NESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began
the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law.
that's alllll folks.
[quote=parachute]ooops,sorry in my post: looked liked the images transferred ok…too bad you missed them.[/quote]
That’s OK. I’m sure you felt compelled to post something when you realized this was one thread that you hadn’t managed to eff up yet.
A retired Italian wine maker went to the village
church to make his confession for the first time
in many decades. When the priest slid open the
panel in the confessional, the man said, "Father,
during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked
on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy.
I hid her in my attic."
The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing
you did, my son! You have no need to confess it."
"It's worse than that, Father," he continued,
"She quickly started to repay me with sexual
favors."
"People in wartime sometimes act in ways they
wouldn't in normal conditions. If you are truly
sorry for your actions, you are forgiven."
"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind.
May I ask a question?"
"What, my son?"
"Should I tell her the war is over?"
Good one, Big Taco, and nice to be trading (jokes) again.
An eighty year old woman goes to her doctor and is shocked to find out from her doctor that she is pregnant.
She immediately goes to the telephone at the reception desk and phones her husband, " You old coot, you got me pregnant."
The line goes dead on the other end as the husband pauses and stammers and says, " Who IS this?".
Four guys, they're hunting buddies, been so for years.
One of the guys owns the hunting lodge. He has developed quite a snore over the years and so now it's to the point that nobody wants to share a room with him... but he owns the lodge... so they can't leave him out, and besides, they're hunting buddies.
Hunting season comes along and so the three decide that the only thing to do is to rotate who sleeps with Joe (the snorer).
First night Tom sleeps in Joe's room the other two in the other room.
Next morning Tom comes downstairs all bleery eyed. "I've heard chainsaws quieter than that guy! I was awake, looking at him all night!"
That night it's Dick's turn... "I don't know how that guy can sleep in the same room as himself! I was awake, looking at him all night!"
Next morning, out pops Harry! Looks like a million bucks (good thing it's wabbit season) well rested and ready to hunt!
"What? How did you get any rest with Joe in your room?"
"It was easy. When he got into bed, I went over, I tucked him in and I gave him a big kiss... HE was awake all night watching ME!"
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the
fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N.
Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple
produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull
Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents’ objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a
high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt
divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids
were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was
then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son
with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the
other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable
throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in
a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper
announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children
were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently
returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now when someone says, ‘You don’t know Jack Schitt,’ you can correct
them.
[quote=Whomitmayconcer]Grow up.[/quote]
Q: What's the worst thing about having sex with minors?
A: Having to kill them when you're done.
In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in <?:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. <?:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.
As carefully and as gently as he could Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant
[quote=Bobby Hull]
[quote=Whomitmayconcer]Grow up.[/quote]
Q: What's the worst thing about having sex with minors?
A: Having to kill them when you're done.
[/quote]
This just in on CNN:
Child Abuser Molester, Predator who doubles as a cyber bully, in disney-area.
[quote=joedabrkr]
[quote=Whomitmayconcer]Grow up.[/quote]Pot…meet kettle…[/quote]
and I thought we were cool…no sweat.
Guy goes into the pharmacy.
He's never bought prophaltics before, he's the "40 Year Old Virgin" type.
He goes to the counter and mumbles "I'd like a package of condoms please."
The girl behind the counter rings a package up and says "That'll be four dollars, and twenty eight cents for tax."
"TACKS?"screamed the man "I thought they stayed on by themself!"
This one is for Whomit who I believe lives in New York City
A Very Smart Man
A man walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.
He tells the loan officer that he is going to Italy on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the man hands over the keys to a new Ferrari.
The car is parked on the street in front of the bank. The man produces the title and everything checks out. The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the man for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's Underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the man returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi- millionaire.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The 'very smart man' replies: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
Don’t live there, but did know the joke (although I heard it as a very everything woman), thanks for the thought.
An older couple are playing in the annual Husband & Wife Club Championship. They are playing in a play-off hole and it is down to a 6 inch putt that the wife has to make.
She takes her stance and her husband can see her trembling. She putts and misses, they lose the match.
On the way home in the car her husband is fuming.
" I can't believe you missed that putt! That putt was no longer than my 'willy'."
The wife just looked over at her husband and smiled and said, "Yes dear, but it was much harder!"
Q: Why do WASPS love to play golf?
A: It's the only time they get to dress like pimps.