Weekend Joke
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[quote=Whomitmayconcer]
A thought to pnder while you are waiting for he next joke to arrive...
Do
infants
enjoy
Infancy
as much as
adults
enjoy
adultry?
[/quote]
Probably not. It's got to be tough being pulled from third base and stuck on second for a year, with no chance of hitting home plate until high school.
Wow! Where did that come from??? The infants on the site don't quite understand the adult jokes here.
But here's my very best dirty joke fer ya:
A white horse
fell
into
are you ready for this!!!!
ok, here we go:
a mudd puddle.
[quote=jokeriswild]
Wow! Where did that come from??? The infants on the site don't quite understand the adult jokes here.
But here's my very best dirty joke fer ya:
A white horse
fell
into
are you ready for this!!!!
ok, here we go:
a mudd puddle.
[/quote]
Here's a clean one for you: The horse took a bath.
I'm a little slow but I think I get Bobby's joke.
Hey, you obviously haven't watched much daytime talk shows: they're learning about home runs in jr. high now.
Here's another joke...
Q:What's better than winning a gold medal in the Special Olympics?
A:Not being retarded.
A man goes to the doctor, and after a ton of tests, the doctor comes in and says "Well, I have good news and bad news." The man decides to hear the bad news first. "Well, the bad news is that you are very sick and only have a month to live." The man says "that's terrible, what is the good news?" The doctor takes the man out into the waiting room and points at a hot blonde, "you see that woman over there," asks the doctor. The man nods and the doctor says "that's my girlfriend."
That's one of my favorites.
I sure hope you guys are better at picking stocks than telling jokes.
An elderly woman walked into CitiBank one morning with a purse full of
money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to
the vice president of the bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.
After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an
employee took the elderly woman to the vice president’s office.
The vice president of the bank asked her how! much s he wanted to
deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, “$165,000”. The
vice president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save
so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.
The vice president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?"
The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are
square."
The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible
to win a bet like that.
The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the vice president and
said, “Would you like to take my bet?”
“Certainly”, replied the president. “I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are
not square.”
“Done”, the elderly woman answered. “But given the amount of money
involved, if you don’t mind I would like to come back at 10 o’ clock
tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.”“No problem”, said the
vice president of the bank confidently.
That night, the vice president became very nervous about the bet and
spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning
them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was
positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring
himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.
The next morning at exactly 10 o’clock the elderly woman arrived at the
vice president’s office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet
made the day before that his testicles were square.
The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the
day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so
that she and her lawyer could see clearly.
The president was happy to oblige.
The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the
president if she could touch them. “Of course”, said the vice president.
"Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure."
The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president
noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked
the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied,
“Oh, it’s probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o’clock in
the morning I would be holding the balls of the Vice President of the
bank!”
If you are as good at picking stocks as you are at telling jokes...
QUIT YOUR DAY JOB!!!! TOO!
A man, getting along in years, finds that he is unable to perform sexually.
He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work.
Finally, as a last hope, the doctor refers him to an African medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this."
With that said, he throws a white powder into a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. Then he says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
The man then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?"
The medicine man replies, "When your partner can take no more sex and is completely raddled, all she has to say is'1234', and it will then go down. But be warned, the pork sword will not rise again for another year."
That night he showers, shaves and smothers himself in after shave. He slides into bed, cuddles up to his wife, says"123" and suddenly he has the most gigantic stiffy ever, just as the medicine man promised.
His wife turns over and asks, "What did you say '123' for?"
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband’s libido.
"What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor.
"Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin".
"Not a problem", replied the doctor. "Give him an "Irish Viagra". It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went".
It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress. The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!"
"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.
"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with one swoop of his arm, he set the cups and napkins flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"
"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good"?
"Oh, no, no, no, doctor, the sex was fine indeed! 'Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"
FW.
>>DOCTOR
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>A doctor in Louisiana wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he told his
>
>assistant, "Boudreaux, I am going hunting tomorrow and we don't want to
>
>close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of
>
>our patients".
>
>
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>"Yes, sir..." answers Boudreaux.
>
>
>
>The doctor goes hunting and returns the next day and asks: "So
>
>Boudreaux, how was your day?"
>
>
>
>Boudreaux tells him he took care of three patients. "The first one had
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>a headache, so I gave him TYLENOL."
>
>
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>"Bravo Boudreaux! and the second one?" says the doctor.
>
>
>
>"The second one had stomach burning, and I gave him MAALOX, sir," says
>
>Boudreaux.
>
>
>
>"Bravo, bravo Boudreaux! You're good at this and what about the third
>one?"
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>asks the doctor.
>
>
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>"Sir, I was sitting here, and suddenly the door opens, and a woman
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>enters like a flame. She undresses herself, taking off her bra and her
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>panties and lies down on the table, spread her legs and shouts:
>
>
>
>HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!!"
>
>
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>And what did you do Boudreaux?" asks the doctor.
>
>
>
>"I put eye drops in her eyes."
Eight Words with two Meanings
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female… Any part under a car’s hood.
Male. The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female… Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another.
Male… Playing football without a jock strap.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n
Female… The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner.
Male… Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female… A desire to get married and raise a family.!
Male… Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female… A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male… Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female… An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male… A source of entertainment, self-_expression, male bonding.
7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female… The greatest _expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male… Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female… A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male… A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
AND:
He said . I don’t know why you wear a bra; you’ve got nothing to put in it.
She said . . You wear pants don’t you?
He said . . … Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said That’s a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on
the sofa and fart!
He said … What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave
you?
She said …Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
He said … Why don’t women blink during foreplay?
She said . They don’t have time!
He said . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said We don’t know; it has never happened.
He said . . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and
Good- looking?
She said … . . They already have boyfriends.
He said … Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to
bed.
Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.
Another weekend joke:
Sheryl Crowe wants us to help save the earth by using only one square of tiolet tissue per bathroom visit!!!!!!
If it becomes law, I'm not shaking hands with anyone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[quote=doberman]
Another weekend joke:
Sheryl Crowe wants us to help save the earth by using only one square of tiolet tissue per bathroom visit!!!!!!
If it becomes law, I'm not shaking hands with anyone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[/quote]
It's awful hard to take her seriously when you've seen a picture of her vagina on the internet.
My favorite:
A man with a pet octopus walked into a bar and said, "I’ll bet $50 that no
one here has a musical instrument this octopus can’t play."
A man in the bar fetched a guitar. The octopus picked it up, tuned the
strings and began playing a Hendrix song. With a big smile on his face,
the octopus’ owner pocketed $50. Another man brought over a trumpet.
The octopus picked it up, licked his lips and began playing a jazz solo.
The man handed the octpus’ owner $50. The bartender brought over a set
of bagpipes. He put them in front of the octopus and said, "If he can play
that I’ll give you $100."
The octopus looked at the bagpipes, lifted them up and turned them
over. His owner bent down and wispered, "What the hell are you waiting
for? Hurry up and play the damn thing.’
The octopus replied, “forget playing it, If I can figure out how to take off
these damn plaid pajamas, I’m gonna screw it!!”
Mike was going to be married to Karen so his father sat him down for a little chat. He said, "Mike, let me tell you something.
On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your mother, and said, Here - try these on.'
She did and said," these are too big. I can't wear them."
I replied, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' Ever since that night, we have never had any problems."
"Hmmm," said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try.
On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, "Here - try these on."
She tried them on and said, "These are too large. They don't fit me."
Mike said, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that."
Then Karen took off her pants and handed them to Mike. She said, "Here - you try on mine."
He did and said, "I can't get into your pants."
Karen said, "Exactly. And if you don't change your smart-ass attitude, you never will."
2001 A Space Odessy.
The part that hit the editing room floor.
Dave is in the computer room taking out HAL 9000's processors one by one:
Hal: Dave! Dave I think you are over reacting.
Dave continues.
Hal: Dave, Can't we talk about this?
Dave continues.
Hal: Hello gentlemen... I'm a HAL 9000.
Dave continues.
Hal: Good Morning Dr. Floyd...
Dave continues.
Hal: Daisy....Dasiy... Give me your answer do...
Dave continues. Hal reverts to the conversation bot that was HAL's first computer product.
Hal: Good morning, would you like to talk about the Tao of Physics or Abstract Expressionism?
Dave continues.
Hal: Good Morning, would you like to talk about Global Weather Changes or Italian Opera?
Dave continues.
Hal: Good morning, would you like to discuss today's weather or last night's baseball game?
Dave continues.
Hal: Hullo, which do you think is better, The Addams Family or The Munsters?
Dave continues.
Hal: Hi, I'm an excellent driver, excellent driver.
Dave continues down to the very last processor...Click!
Hal: Hi Mikebutler222, I have one minute till self destruct, why don't you tell me everything you know about politics? We should have plenty of time!
[quote=Whomitmayconcer]
2001 A Space Odessy.
The part that hit the editing room floor.
Dave is in the computer room taking out HAL 9000's processors one by one:
Hal: Dave! Dave I think you are over reacting.
Dave continues.
Hal: Dave, Can't we talk about this?
Dave continues.
Hal: Hello gentlemen... I'm a HAL 9000.
Dave continues.
Hal: Good Morning Dr. Floyd...
Dave continues.
Hal: Daisy....Dasiy... Give me your answer do...
Dave continues. Hal reverts to the conversation bot that was HAL's first computer product.
Hal: Good morning, would you like to talk about the Tao of Physics or Abstract Expressionism?
Dave continues.
Hal: Good Morning, would you like to talk about Global Weather Changes or Italian Opera?
Dave continues.
Hal: Good morning, would you like to discuss today's weather or last night's baseball game?
Dave continues.
Hal: Hullo, which do you think is better, The Addams Family or The Munsters?
Dave continues.
Hal: Hi, I'm an excellent driver, excellent driver.
Dave continues down to the very last processor...Click!
Hal: Hi Mikebutler222, I have one minute till self destruct, why don't you tell me everything you know about politics? We should have plenty of time!
[/quote]
Way out of line and totally uncalled for!
if you have an issue with mike or anyone else here why not settle it of the board?
Now back to our regularly scheduled program:
A friend of mine has a trophy wife, evidently she wasn't first place.
Bondguy,
This joke is (the one I told) is so old it has two beards.
It's also at least two jokes rolled into one. The conversation computer punch line I grew up with was; I dialed it all the way down and it said "Bongiorno". I didn't want to go ethnic here, so I used the old "tell me everything you know, I got a minute."
I make it my policy to keep all of my conversations in public. I don't want PMs and I don't send PMs. Always been my policy and it has kept me in good stead through the years.
Whomit,
Public it is
To bring mike's name into it was inappropriate regardless of how you justify it.
I'm going to take a wild guess here and say that judging from the thought, time, and effort you put into your posts here you'd like people to read them. If your posts are filled with personal pot shots or gotscha set ups less and less people will do just that. Regardless of how good your content may be on some posts people will just pass them by because the potshot personal vendetta thing gets old fast.
I too have have had my times with mike. He didn't say anything to you that he hasn't said to me. As I've said I have the bruises to prove it. I respect the guy. He's one hell of a debator, smart and well spoken. Mike and I don't agree much political. But you know what? So what! I moved on and so did he. I'm sure we will tangle again on some issue and be united in another. The point is we got past the vitrol and moved on. You need to do the same.
On another subject, your posts are verbose. At least I find them so. I'm sure i'm not alone. I'm not attacking you here, just trying to give you some friendly advice. I'm the last person to talk about this because I invented verbosity. Still find 500 words to make a 20 word point also gets old. As I've said, for that reason I bypass many of your posts. As I know, sometimes it takes a lot of space to get a point across. Still, for increased readability, shorter is better if possible.
Thanks for reading. Lets move on.