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Oct 11, 2006 12:12 am

Sometimes, misspelling a word can convey an entirely different meaning from what was intended. Below is an excerpt from an email circulating among teachers (my sister is a teacher):

> I promise you cannot read these and not laugh out loud.  
> These are supposedly real notes written by parents in a Tennessee
> school district.  Spellings have been left intact.  True or not, they're pretty funny! 
> 1.  My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE
> today.  Please execute him.  
> 2.  Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i
> had her shot.
> 3.  Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on jan.  
> 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.  
> 4.  Please excuse gloria from jim today.  She is
> administrating.  
> 5.  Please excuse roland from p.e.  for a few days.  
> Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.  
> 6.  John has been absent because he had two teeth taken
> out of his face.
> 7.  Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing
> football.  He was hurt in the growing part.  
> 8.  Megan could not come to school today because she has
> been bothered by very close veins.  
> 9.  Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his
> side.  
> 10.  Please excuse ray friday from school.  He has very
> loose vowels.  
> 11.  Please excuse pedro from being absent yesterday.  He
> had diahre dyrea direathe the sh*ts.  
> 12.  Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday.  He
> had diarrhea, and his boots leak.  
> 13.   Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his
> bust.  
> 14.  Please excuse jimmy for being.  It was his father's
> fault.  
> 15.  I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas
> shopping because i don't know what size she wear.  
> 16.  Please excuse jennifer for missing school yesterday.  
> We forgot to get the sunday paper off the porch, and when
> we found it monday.  We thought it was sunday.  
> 17.  Sally won't be in school a week from friday.  We have
> to attend her funeral.  
> 18.  My daughter was absent yesterday because she was
> tired.  She spent a weekend with the marines.  
> 19.  Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday.  He
> had a cold and could not breed well.  
> 20.  Please excuse mary for being absent yesterday.  She
> was in bed with gramps.  
> 21.  Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a
> gangover.  
> 22.  Please excuse brenda.  She has been sick and under
> the doctor.  
> 23.  Maryann was absent december 11-16, because she had a
> fever, sorethroat, headache and upset stomach.  Her sister
> was also sick, fever an sore throat, her brother had a low
> grade fever and ached all over.  I wasn't the best either,
> sore throat and fever.  There must be something going
> around, her father even got hot last night.  
> Now we know why parents are screaming for better education
> for our kids.


Oct 11, 2006 8:06 pm

Although we don’t represent unlicensed candidates, my firm often gets unsolicited resumes from candidates outside the industry.

Here are a few examples of my favorite quotes from resumes and cover letters.  (Note that some details have been obfuscated to protect the guilty).

<o:p><span =“796215517-03102005”>-------------------------------------------------</o:p>
<o:p><span =“796215517-03102005”></o:p><o:p><span =“796215517-03102005”></o:p><o:p><span =“796215517-03102005”></o:p><o:p><span =“796215517-03102005”></o:p><o:p><span =“796215517-03102005”>
</o:p><p =“Msonormal” style=“margin: 0in 0in 0pt; line-height: 12pt; text-align: justify;”>Languages:: Spanish Native, Excellent Reading,
conversation and it notarizes; English, very well in reading and little
conversation <o:p></o:p>

Dear Recruiter:


I am writing to explore your client search requirements for an individual with my talents.  I am seeking a key role with a progressive organization in city, state




Destiny Will Decide Whether you Will Read this Resume... 


References are variable at your request.


You can call me in my cell at any time.

Oct 16, 2006 6:26 pm

I was in 2nd Wind Fitness buying some workout equipment and a lady walks through the door and tells the salesman "I'm looking for either a treadmill or an erectical machine."  Without blinking the salesman says "treadmills are by the wall over there, and the erectical machine I keep in a drawer in my office if you'd like to see it." 

Oct 20, 2006 2:29 am

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
   That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

9. I f at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Oct 25, 2006 5:33 pm

1930’s 40’s, 50’s, 60’s and 70’s !!

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant.
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.
Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-based paints.  
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we
rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.
As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, booster seats, seat belts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and
NO ONE actually died from this.  
We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank koolade made with sugar, but we weren't overweight because .
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.  
No one was able to reach us all day.  
And we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down
the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.  
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's, no surround-sound or CD's, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or chat rooms.......
WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!  
We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no
lawsuits from these accidents.  
We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.  
We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays,

made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang
the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!  
Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!  
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of.  
They actually sided with the law!  
These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!  
The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.  
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned  

If YOU are one of them . . . CONGRATULATIONS!  
You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as
kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives
for our own good  
And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave (and lucky) their parents were.  
Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!
Oct 25, 2006 11:56 pm

Bravo, SA; bravo!

Oct 27, 2006 11:21 pm


"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it.  That would make you quite unpopular in what’s left of your unit."
- Army’s magazine of preventive maintenance.
“Aim towards the Enemy.”
- Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.
- U.S. Marine Corps
“Cluster bombing from B-52s are very, very accurate.  The bombs are guaranteed always to hit the ground.”
- USAF Ammo Troop
“If the enemy is in range, so are you.”
- Infantry Journal
“It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.”
- U.S. Air Force Manual
“Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.”
- General MacArthur
“Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo.”
- Infantry Journal
“You, you, and you … Panic.  The rest of you, come with me.”
- U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
“Tracers work both ways.”
- U.S. Army Ordnance
- -----------------------------------------------------
“Five second fuses only last three seconds.”
- Infantry Journal
“Don’t ever be the first, don’t ever be the last, and don’t ever volunteer to do anything.”
- U.S. Navy Swabbie
------------------------------------------! -------- -
“Bravery is being the only one who knows you’re afraid.”
- David Hackworth
“If your attack is going too well, you’re walking into an ambush.”
- Infantry Journal
- --------------------------------------------------------
“No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection.”
- Joe Gay
“Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once.”
“Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.”
- Unknown Marine Recruit
“Don’t draw fire; it irritates the people around you.”
“If you see a bomb technician running, follow him.”
- USAF Ammo Troop
“You’ve never been lost until you’ve been lost at Mach 3.”
- Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
“The only time you have too much fuel is when you’re on fire.”
“Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky.”
- From an old carrier sailor
“If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it’s probably a helicopter – and therefore, unsafe.”
“When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.”
“Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club.”
“What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?  If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies;  If ATC screws up, … The pilot dies.”
“Never trade luck for skill.”
The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are:  “Why is it doing that?”, “Where are we?”  And “Oh S…!”
“Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.”
“Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to complete the flight successfully.”
“Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!”
“Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag to store dead batteries.”
“Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground who is incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.”
“The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you.” 
- Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
“A pilot who doesn’t have any fear probably isn’t flying his plane to its maximum.”
- Jon McBride, astronaut
“If you’re faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible.”
- Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test pilot )
“Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.”
“There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.”
- Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
“If something hasn’t broken on your helicopter, it’s about to.”
Basic Flying Rules:
“Try to stay in the middle of the air.  Do not go near the edges of it.  The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space.  It is much more difficult to fly there.”
“You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.”
------------------------------------------------------------ –
As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks, “What happened?”.
The pilot’s reply, “I don’t know, I just got here myself!”
- Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)

Oct 28, 2006 12:11 am

 The emoticon says it all. Thanks!

Oct 28, 2006 12:42 am
Mr. and Mrs. Fenton are retired, and Mrs. Fenton insists her husband go with her to Walmart. He gets so bored with all the shopping trips. He prefers to get in and get out, but Mrs. Fenton loves to browse.   Dear Mrs. Fenton,   Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may ban both of you from our stores. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. All complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below.   Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse was shopping in Walmart:   1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.   2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.   3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.   4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... and watched what happened.   5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.   6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.   7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.   8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'   9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.   10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.   11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the " Mission Impossible" theme.   12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.   13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"   14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO ! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"   And last, but not least .....   15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"  
Nov 1, 2006 2:39 pm

Can't even begin to describe this japanese game show, so you just have to watch it and see for yourself....

Nov 7, 2006 3:45 pm

1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.

2. The New York Times is read by people who think they run the country.

3. The Washington Post is read by people who think they should run the country.

4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand the Washington Post. They do, however like the smog statistics shown in pie charts.

5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could spare the time, and if they didn't have to leave L.A. to do it.

6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country.

7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country, and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.

8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country either, as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.

9. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country, or that anyone is running it; but whoever it is, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority, feministic atheist dwarfs, who also happen to be illegal aliens from ANY country or galaxy as long as they are democrats.

10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country, but need the baseball scores.