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Identity theft

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Jun 7, 2007 3:36 pm

People often say to me, "Whom, with such a common name, how do you protect youself from identity theft?"

First thing I do is make sure they are addressing me and not asking a general question. Once this has been established. I explain to them my The Ransom Of Red Chief strategy for dealing with these sorts of disreputables.

I intentionally keep my credit rating so low that when some dirtbag does grab my identity my creditors are on him like white on rice! As soon as someone tries to use the Whomit May Concern (Hey, my uncle's name was May) moniker to apply for a line of credit,the phones light up at credit collection agencies across several midwestern states and three provinces of India, two in the Phillipines and a call center in Poland!

That poor dumb sombitch gets beat like a gubmint mule by dunners 24/7.

This is where the Ransom part kicks in. When this process is done correctly, the Identity thieves will actually pay you to take your identity back! I've garnered several tidy semi fortunes (adding up to one rather large but decidedly chaotic fortune) over the years as I agreed to repatriate my name and stop the harassing phone calls.

Recently we've branched out into a new profitable venture which is called Identity sticking. For a stiff upfront fee, "thieves' will stick my identity to unsuspecting citizens who will then pay to undun themselves and to unburden themselves of the Whomit address code.

I can't take all the credit for this (no pun intended, that's ok, no pun taken!). My backwoods cousin, RuralRouteBoxholder, has been doing it for years. Sometimes under the pseudonym "Occupant".

(note to self, the coffee pot with the orange handle is decaf!)

Jun 7, 2007 4:01 pm

I’ve written a lot of letters to people with your name.

Jun 7, 2007 4:07 pm

When I was with Jones, I used your name on my suicide letters.  Sorry.

Jun 8, 2007 5:40 pm

At one time (actually at nearly 25% of the time) my older brother and I were not on speaking terms. Thankfully we both got over it and were becoming fast friends.

One of the things that surprised us was how much our brains worked alike. Out of left field one would blurt out something and the other would say "I was just thinking the same damned thing!" As anyone who has read my rambling and seemingly counterintuitive posts you will not be surprised by how happy I was to find someone who "gets the joke".

One day we were riding around, getting ready to take a trip to my summer home (which we put the second floor on ourselves; mostly he, but I paid!) and I said out loud "I'm contemplating suicide..." (this is why this story is not non-sequitorious.My declaration at the time most assuredly was, however.) "What?" said he "What are you talking about, how what, why would you contemplate your suicide!"

""Not mine." says I "Yours!" I was actually kidding, I wasn't even thinking about suicide at all, far as I know.

This reminds me that Dr. Kevorkian (only tangentially related to Kirk Kerkorian) is out and about. Point being that he is about the only person that I know of that could would should contemplate someone else's suicide. Far as I'm concerned, assisted sewerpipe is AOK! Especially as the sunset provision on the estate tax rates is approaching! Far as I'm concerned they ought to put diving boards on high bridges, and make them wheel chair accessible! (put a timer on them too, you get 15 minutes to change your mind then the board assists!)

Anyway, yeah, I get those notes addressed to me all the time, up side is that I get Last Will and Testaments addressed to me too, mostly the testament part, practically never the will part cheap bastiges!

If I recall the ones from BSpears it had something to do with hating her job,... or her hair, something. I didn't give it a whole lot of thought, after all it's Whom It MAY Concern, trust me it MAY but it prolly doesn't concern me at all!