A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself with a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bill, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bill says, "I'll give you $800 if you drop that towel."
After thinking a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bill. After a few seconds, Bill hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "who was that?" "It was Bill the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
Corporate Lesson? If you share critical information pertaining to credit & risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
A priest offered a lift to a nun. She got in crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand on her leg. The nun said, "father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand.
But changing gears, he let his hand brush against her leg again. The nun once again said, "father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized "sorry sister, but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
Corporate Lesson? If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
CORPORATE LESSON #3
A sales representative, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, “I usually only grant three wishes, so I’ll give each of you just one.”
”Me first! Me first!” says the admin clerk.
”I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.”
Poof! She’s gone.
In astonishment, “Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep.
“I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas, and the love of my life.”
Poof! He’s gone.
“OK, you’re up,” the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
menotellname..you got that one too?
Corporate Lesson #4
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him, "can I also sit like you and do nothing all day?" The crow answered, "sure why not?" So the rabbit sat down on the ground below the crow, and rested.
A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Corporate Lesson? To be sitting around doing nothing all day, you must be sitting higher up.
Corporate Lesson #5
A turkey was sitting one day chatting with a bull. "I wish I could get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well why don't you nibble on one of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after the fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon after he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree for his supper.
Corporate Lesson? B*ll-Sh*t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there!
menotellname..you got that one too?
Yup...I've got all nine of them.
Be Careful What You Wish For.
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger,
fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll
have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will
be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls
out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until, the two enter again.
"The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will
have a steak, baked potato, and salad,"! Says the man. "Same,"
says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and
places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity
any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic
and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay
for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the
exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a
tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I
Happy Birthday California!!!
California- 156 years ago:
Do you know what happened this week back in 1850, in California?
* California became a State
* The State had no electricity
* The State had no money
* Almost everyone spoke Spanish
* There were gun fights in the streets
So, basically, it was just like California today - except the women had real breasts and the men didn't hold hands!
an abreviated version..
Einstein dies & goes to heaven. When he gets there he thinks "who in the hell am I going to talk with here?" 1st guy he meets he asks "what's your IQ?" Guy says 170. Einstein says "Great, we'll talk about astro physics!" 2nd guy Einstein meets he asks "what's your IQ?" guy says 140. Einstein says "Great, we'll talk about the arts, etc!"3rd guy Einstein meets he asks "What's your IQ?" Guy says 80. Einstein says "Great, we'll talk about the stock market!"
True story heard on the news:
A pastor in England excused himself from Sunday services, to go to the bathroom. Trouble is, he was still wearing his wireless microphone, while in the bathroom. And well...you guessed it. The congregation was very amused. No word on the pastor, however.
Two guys are discussing one’s upcoming wedding. “I’m not
sure if my future bride is a virgin or not.”
His buddy replies, "Oh, there’s an easy test for that. All you need
is some red paint, some blue pain and a shovel. You paint one ball
red and one ball blue.
“On your honeymoon, if she laughs and says, ‘Those are the funniest
balls I’ve ever seen!’ you hit her with the shovel!”
another cutesy wootsey one, but eliminate #9 and you can hand it out at client seminars.
Stock Market Investment tips for 2006
Get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations in 2006.
1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R.Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly Warner Cracker.
3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and issue forth as: MMMGood.
4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.
5. FedEx is expected to join its major competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become:
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: Poupon Pants.
8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will
become: Knott NOW!
9. Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new
name: Titty Titty Bang Bang
Great stuff, Devoted SA. Perhaps your true calling is as an investment banker, putting together some of the aforementioned merger deals.
I’ll do my best to make it happen, maybe with #9 I can come up with some smokin’ support undergarments like on Austin Power’s fembots!