Thanks George Carlin

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Aug 13, 2007 9:04 am

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for <SPAN id=lw1186670819_1>classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days--mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you Just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule : Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait! They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying" Do you want fries with that?"

Aug 13, 2007 10:04 am

Was that YOUR childhood??

Aug 13, 2007 9:42 pm

BRILLIANT !!!!!!!!!!

Aug 13, 2007 11:05 pm

"Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards."


I call him Blarmston...


Funny stuff.

Aug 14, 2007 11:22 am

Does the fact that I hang out with girls who are now teachers count? I think it may...

Aug 14, 2007 1:50 pm

...I don't know...just know that us old married guys enjoy living vicariously through your adventures...

Aug 14, 2007 2:05 pm

I can send you some pictures. Its okay, they are of my ex's so I could care less...

Aug 14, 2007 2:08 pm
blarmston:

I can send you some pictures. Its okay, they are of my ex's so I could care less...


What a class act.

Aug 14, 2007 2:14 pm
DAtoo:
blarmston:

I can send you some pictures. Its okay, they are of my ex's so I could care less...


What a class act.



Almost as classy as George Carlin.

Aug 14, 2007 2:34 pm

Put Face- what you cant seem to comprehend is that kidding is a big part of my personality.


Get over it...

Aug 14, 2007 2:42 pm

I gets more funny each time I read it.  Just wait till the election, GC will have many more rules!

Aug 14, 2007 3:37 pm
blarmston:

Put Face- what you cant seem to comprehend is that kidding is a big part of my personality.


Get over it...



Nah, what happens is everytime you make a fool of yourself you backpeddle and say you were just joking.


By the way, the dimissive comment is not, "I could care less...." it is "I couldn't care less....."  You see, what you're trying to do is suggest that it is impossible to care less.


The way you wrote it means you could care less--a weak insul is not an insult at all.

Aug 14, 2007 3:56 pm

Thanks for the analysis there- I was patiently waiting for your response. I have finally reached true perspective, and I owe the majority of that to you.


I would like to send you some Bon Bons- please let me know where they can be delivered...