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Sep 15, 2008 4:35 pm

Came across this while doing my OSJ email review work today…

  Olympic Oopses...

Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators so far during the Olympics that they would like to take back: 

1. Weight-lifting commentator: This is Gregorieva from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing. 

2. Dressage commentator: This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother. 

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father. 

4. Boxing Analyst: Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious. 

5. Softball announcer: If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again. 

6. Basketball analyst: He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces. 
 
7. At the rowing medal ceremony: Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.

8. Soccer commentator: Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field. 

9. Tennis commentator: One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?
Sep 15, 2008 4:41 pm

Very funny Indy…that’s a good one!

Sep 15, 2008 4:44 pm

Indy, infamous Johnny Carson interview with Mrs. Arnold Palmer

  It went something like this:   Carson: Is there anything you do to help your husband before a game?   Mrs. Palmer: I kiss his balls before every game.   Carson: Wow, that must make his putter stand on end.
Sep 15, 2008 7:29 pm

I’m getting all sorts of classics today…here’s some from the Hollywood Squares…


If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when 'Hollywood
Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now.

Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q.If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q.You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A . Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning .

Q.Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget!

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q.Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde : Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q.If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A.. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q.Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q.When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh!
Sep 25, 2008 5:35 pm

The Italian says, 'When I've a finished a makina da love with ah my wife, I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floats 6 inches above a da bed in ecstacy.'

The Frenchman replies. zat is  nothing, when Ah've finished making ze  love with ze wife, Ah kiss all ze way down her body, and zen Ah lick  za soles of her feet wiz mah tongue, and she floats 12 inches above  ze bed in pure ecstacy.

The redneck says, 'Ya’ll that aint nothin. When I finish porkin the ole lady, I git out of bed, walk over to the window and wipe my wayner on the curtains. She hits the freakin'ceiling.<?: prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

Oct 6, 2008 6:34 pm

Q: What is a financial planner?

A: A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
Oct 9, 2008 6:22 pm

Maybe some of you saw this email already:

   If you had purchased $1,000 of AIG stock one year ago, you would have $42 left.
 
 With Lehman, you would have $6.60 left.
 
 With Fannie or Freddie, you would have less than $5 left.
 
 But if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all of the beer, then turned in the
 cans for the recycling REFUND, you would have $214.
 
 Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.
 
 It's called the 401-keg.  
Oct 9, 2008 6:28 pm

Snags…they did the math.

Oct 16, 2008 12:20 am

NEW STOCK MARKET TERMINOLOGY

CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER -- What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.

Oct 16, 2008 12:36 am

This market is worse than getting divorced.  I lose half my money, and I’m still married to the wife.

Oct 27, 2008 4:27 pm

Wall Street Reacts



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iVgAi4-LgCY

Oct 31, 2008 3:33 am

Some very funny stuff:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8_n2LhRW0O4&feature=related
Oct 31, 2008 3:41 pm

Two older ladies were attending a revival service at their church.  The preacher got really into it and spoke for a long time.  After the service the two ladies were heading out the door and one of them said “That was a great sermon, but I’m really glad it’s over.  We sat there so long I think my butt fell asleep”.  The other one said “I think it did too.  I’m pretty sure I heard it snoring a couple of times.”

Nov 1, 2008 6:00 am
snaggletooth:

This market is worse than getting divorced.  I lose half my money, and I’m still married to the wife.

  F*&$!  That was good!    
Nov 28, 2008 2:42 pm
A professor at the University of Mississippi was giving a lecture on 'InvoluntaryMuscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lightenthe mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do youknow what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'She replied, 'Probably deer hunting with his buddies.'It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.......
Nov 28, 2008 2:48 pm

Sex is like eating spinach. If you’re forced to do it when you’re young, you won’t like it as an adult. 

Dec 19, 2008 5:03 am

The Aisle Seat

Two Radical Arab Terrorists boarded a flight out  of London . One took a window seat and the other sat next  to him in the middle seat...<?: prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat.  After takeoff the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes  and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said,  'I need to get up and get a coke.'

'Don't get up,' said the Marine, 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.'

As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and spat in it.

When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab  said, 'That looks good, I'd really like one, too.'  Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines  other shoe and spat in it.

When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into  his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. 'Why does it have to be this way?', he asked. 'How long must this go on?  This fighting between our  nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?'

THE FEW. THE PROUD. THE MARINES.
Dec 19, 2008 8:48 pm

What do sex and KFC have in common??

  Yeah, yeah, finger licking good is the easy answer.   The right answer is...   Once you're done sucking on the breast and licking the thigh, you have a greasy box to shove your bone in.
Dec 20, 2008 2:12 am

Q:  What’s long, hard and screws lots of women?

  A:  An IQ Test.
Dec 20, 2008 3:43 am

[quote=snaggletooth]

Some very funny stuff:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8_n2LhRW0O4&feature=related[/quote]   Man that hot tub was sooo gross.