Weekend Joke
We’ve all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference?
GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask, "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You’re next."
Both will have the same outcome.
Q: Why did God invent women?
A: 'Cause try as he might, Adam just couldn't teach those darned sheep to cook.
The difference between men and women:
A woman marries a man hoping that he will change…and never does.
A man marries a woman hoping that she will never change…and always does.
The difference between a gentile woman and a Jewish woman:
The gentile woman tells her husband, "buy viagra."
The Jewish woman tells her husband, “buy Pfizer.”
Ok ....it isn't the weekend, but this joke was too funny not to share with the "guys" .
Why men are rarely published in Dear Abby
Dear Abby,
I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision.
I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs... Phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them." I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the street.
Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.
I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson motor cycle next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home.
It was at that moment, crouching behind my Harley, that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil.
Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?
Two guys from Daniels County are quietly sitting in a boat at Fort Peck,
Montana, fishing and drinking beer.
Almost silently so as not to scare the fish Mel says, "I think I’m going to
divorce my wife - she hasn’t spoken to me in over 2 months."
Earl continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says, “You better
think it over - women like that are hard to find.”
I know I’m a bit early, but hey, I just came across this one
today.
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with
four young mothers and their small children… “You all have obsessions,” he
observed… To the first mother, Mary, he said, “You are obsessed with
eating. You’ve even named your daughter Candy.” He turned to the second
Mom, Ann: “Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your
child’s name, Penny.” He turns to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is
alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child’s name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little
boy by the hand and whispers. “Come on, Dick, we’re leaving.”
The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be
THE
Man Of Your House."
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you
need
to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law.
You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating
my
meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going
to
go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want.
Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash
my
back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my
feet
and hands.
Then tomorrow, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?"
The wife replied, “The f**kin’ funeral director would be my first guess.”
My all-time favorite off-color joke:
A man dies and goes to hell, the devil is reassuring him that it's not as bad as everyone thinks and that he even gets to pick his punishment. The devil takes him to the first door and opens it revealing a guy standing in the middle of a roomful of snakes, guy says "oh no I hate snakes", they go on to the next room. A guy is standing in the middle of the room with his wife, mother-in-law, and his boss all yelling at him all at once, guys says "I had enough of that on earth". The devil keeps taking him from room to room, each one more horrible that the last. Finally they come to the last room, and the devil tells him "this is the last one, after this you have to pick where you want to spend eternity". The devil opens the door to reveal a guy sitting in a recliner, drinking beer, watching the game, and receiving oral sex form a blond-headed cheerleader. They guy is so excited he tells the devil "I'll take it". The devil says "are you sure, remember this is for all eternity and while this may look nice you have to remember eternity is an awful long time." "I know, I know, this is for me". The devil says "o.k., there's no going back now" and he walks over to the cheerleader, taps her on the shoulder and says "you can go now, I've found your replacement."
A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of their first stops was the breeding bull exhibit. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "See .. He mated 50 times last year? ... once-a-week."
They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year." The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."
They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said, that's
once-a-DAY. You could REALLY learn something from this one."
The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow."
NOTE:
The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and the doctors say after months of rehab and a couple more operations he will be ok.
I want to live my next life, backwards:
You start out dead and get that out of the way right off the bat.
Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.
When you get kicked out of the home for being too healthy.
You spend several years enjoying your retirement and collecting benefit
checks.
Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years or so, getting younger every day until pretty soon
you’re too young to work.
So you go to High School : drink alcohol, party, and you’re generally
promiscuous.
As you get even younger – pretty soon you become a kid again.
You go to elementary school, you play, and you have no responsibilities.
In a few years you become a baby and everyone runs themselves ragged
keeping you happy.
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like
conditions - central h eating, room service on tap
Until finally. . .You finish off as an orgasm.
ins. producer: I love that joke about the bull.
Q: What do you get when you cross a crooked lawyer with a corrupt politician?
A: Chelsea.
The following are 25 rules that guys live by:
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about
you leaving it down.
3. Sunday sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it
be.
4. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that
way.
5. Crying is blackmail.
6. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not
work! Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
7. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
8. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what
we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
9. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem. See a doctor.
10. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In
fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
11. If you won’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act
like soap opera guys.
12. If you think you’re fat, you probably are so don’t ask us.
13. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways
makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
14. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it
done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
15. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.
16. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
17. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have
no idea what mauve is.
18. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
19. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” We will act like
nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the
hassle.
20. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, Expect an answer
you don’t want to hear.
21. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.
Really.
22. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as SEX, CARS, the shotgun formation, or HOCKEY.
23. You have enough clothes.
24. You have too many shoes.
25. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, " I clocked you
at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your
radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don’t be silly dear,
you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and
growls, "Can’t you please keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar
detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector
unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through
clenched teeth, "woman, can’t you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you’re not wearing your
seat belt, sir. That’s an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off
when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back
pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn’t have your
seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you’re driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to
his wife and barks, "WHY DON’T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, “Does your husband always
talk to you this way, Ma’am?”
“Only when he’s been drinking.”
No jokes to post today but will sometime; have pm'd jokes and they must like them so much that they don't delete them and their mailbox is full. Or, they're technically challenged and haven't learned to use their delete key, yet. I realize getting a pm from me is special but really!
No more for you. The quota has been reached.
A thought to pnder while you are waiting for he next joke to arrive...
Do
infants
enjoy
Infancy
as much as
adults
enjoy
adultry?
[quote=Whomitmayconcer]
A thought to pnder while you are waiting for he next joke to arrive...
Do
infants
enjoy
Infancy
as much as
adults
enjoy
adultry?
[/quote]
Probably not. It's got to be tough being pulled from third base and stuck on second for a year, with no chance of hitting home plate until high school.
Wow! Where did that come from??? The infants on the site don't quite understand the adult jokes here.
But here's my very best dirty joke fer ya:
A white horse
fell
into
are you ready for this!!!!
ok, here we go:
a mudd puddle.
[quote=jokeriswild]
Wow! Where did that come from??? The infants on the site don't quite understand the adult jokes here.
But here's my very best dirty joke fer ya:
A white horse
fell
into
are you ready for this!!!!
ok, here we go:
a mudd puddle.
[/quote]
Here's a clean one for you: The horse took a bath.
I'm a little slow but I think I get Bobby's joke.
Hey, you obviously haven't watched much daytime talk shows: they're learning about home runs in jr. high now.
Here's another joke...
Q:What's better than winning a gold medal in the Special Olympics?
A:Not being retarded.
A man goes to the doctor, and after a ton of tests, the doctor comes in and says "Well, I have good news and bad news." The man decides to hear the bad news first. "Well, the bad news is that you are very sick and only have a month to live." The man says "that's terrible, what is the good news?" The doctor takes the man out into the waiting room and points at a hot blonde, "you see that woman over there," asks the doctor. The man nods and the doctor says "that's my girlfriend."
That's one of my favorites.
I sure hope you guys are better at picking stocks than telling jokes.
An elderly woman walked into CitiBank one morning with a purse full of
money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to
the vice president of the bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.
After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an
employee took the elderly woman to the vice president’s office.
The vice president of the bank asked her how! much s he wanted to
deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, “$165,000”. The
vice president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save
so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.
The vice president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?"
The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are
square."
The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible
to win a bet like that.
The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the vice president and
said, “Would you like to take my bet?”
“Certainly”, replied the president. “I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are
not square.”
“Done”, the elderly woman answered. “But given the amount of money
involved, if you don’t mind I would like to come back at 10 o’ clock
tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.”“No problem”, said the
vice president of the bank confidently.
That night, the vice president became very nervous about the bet and
spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning
them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was
positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring
himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.
The next morning at exactly 10 o’clock the elderly woman arrived at the
vice president’s office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet
made the day before that his testicles were square.
The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the
day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so
that she and her lawyer could see clearly.
The president was happy to oblige.
The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the
president if she could touch them. “Of course”, said the vice president.
"Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure."
The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president
noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked
the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied,
“Oh, it’s probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o’clock in
the morning I would be holding the balls of the Vice President of the
bank!”
If you are as good at picking stocks as you are at telling jokes...
QUIT YOUR DAY JOB!!!! TOO!
A man, getting along in years, finds that he is unable to perform sexually.
He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work.
Finally, as a last hope, the doctor refers him to an African medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this."
With that said, he throws a white powder into a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. Then he says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
The man then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?"
The medicine man replies, "When your partner can take no more sex and is completely raddled, all she has to say is'1234', and it will then go down. But be warned, the pork sword will not rise again for another year."
That night he showers, shaves and smothers himself in after shave. He slides into bed, cuddles up to his wife, says"123" and suddenly he has the most gigantic stiffy ever, just as the medicine man promised.
His wife turns over and asks, "What did you say '123' for?"
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband’s libido.
"What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor.
"Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin".
"Not a problem", replied the doctor. "Give him an "Irish Viagra". It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went".
It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress. The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!"
"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.
"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with one swoop of his arm, he set the cups and napkins flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"
"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good"?
"Oh, no, no, no, doctor, the sex was fine indeed! 'Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"
FW.
>>DOCTOR
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>A doctor in Louisiana wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he told his
>
>assistant, "Boudreaux, I am going hunting tomorrow and we don't want to
>
>close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of
>
>our patients".
>
>
>
>"Yes, sir..." answers Boudreaux.
>
>
>
>The doctor goes hunting and returns the next day and asks: "So
>
>Boudreaux, how was your day?"
>
>
>
>Boudreaux tells him he took care of three patients. "The first one had
>
>a headache, so I gave him TYLENOL."
>
>
>
>"Bravo Boudreaux! and the second one?" says the doctor.
>
>
>
>"The second one had stomach burning, and I gave him MAALOX, sir," says
>
>Boudreaux.
>
>
>
>"Bravo, bravo Boudreaux! You're good at this and what about the third
>one?"
>
>asks the doctor.
>
>
>
>"Sir, I was sitting here, and suddenly the door opens, and a woman
>
>enters like a flame. She undresses herself, taking off her bra and her
>
>panties and lies down on the table, spread her legs and shouts:
>
>
>
>HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!!"
>
>
>
>And what did you do Boudreaux?" asks the doctor.
>
>
>
>"I put eye drops in her eyes."
Eight Words with two Meanings
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female… Any part under a car’s hood.
Male. The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female… Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another.
Male… Playing football without a jock strap.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n
Female… The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner.
Male… Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female… A desire to get married and raise a family.!
Male… Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female… A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male… Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female… An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male… A source of entertainment, self-_expression, male bonding.
7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female… The greatest _expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male… Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female… A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male… A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
AND:
He said . I don’t know why you wear a bra; you’ve got nothing to put in it.
She said . . You wear pants don’t you?
He said . . … Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said That’s a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on
the sofa and fart!
He said … What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave
you?
She said …Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
He said … Why don’t women blink during foreplay?
She said . They don’t have time!
He said . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said We don’t know; it has never happened.
He said . . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and
Good- looking?
She said … . . They already have boyfriends.
He said … Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to
bed.
Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.
Another weekend joke:
Sheryl Crowe wants us to help save the earth by using only one square of tiolet tissue per bathroom visit!!!!!!
If it becomes law, I'm not shaking hands with anyone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[quote=doberman]
Another weekend joke:
Sheryl Crowe wants us to help save the earth by using only one square of tiolet tissue per bathroom visit!!!!!!
If it becomes law, I'm not shaking hands with anyone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[/quote]
It's awful hard to take her seriously when you've seen a picture of her vagina on the internet.
My favorite:
A man with a pet octopus walked into a bar and said, "I’ll bet $50 that no
one here has a musical instrument this octopus can’t play."
A man in the bar fetched a guitar. The octopus picked it up, tuned the
strings and began playing a Hendrix song. With a big smile on his face,
the octopus’ owner pocketed $50. Another man brought over a trumpet.
The octopus picked it up, licked his lips and began playing a jazz solo.
The man handed the octpus’ owner $50. The bartender brought over a set
of bagpipes. He put them in front of the octopus and said, "If he can play
that I’ll give you $100."
The octopus looked at the bagpipes, lifted them up and turned them
over. His owner bent down and wispered, "What the hell are you waiting
for? Hurry up and play the damn thing.’
The octopus replied, “forget playing it, If I can figure out how to take off
these damn plaid pajamas, I’m gonna screw it!!”
Mike was going to be married to Karen so his father sat him down for a little chat. He said, "Mike, let me tell you something.
On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your mother, and said, Here - try these on.'
She did and said," these are too big. I can't wear them."
I replied, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' Ever since that night, we have never had any problems."
"Hmmm," said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try.
On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, "Here - try these on."
She tried them on and said, "These are too large. They don't fit me."
Mike said, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that."
Then Karen took off her pants and handed them to Mike. She said, "Here - you try on mine."
He did and said, "I can't get into your pants."
Karen said, "Exactly. And if you don't change your smart-ass attitude, you never will."
2001 A Space Odessy.
The part that hit the editing room floor.
Dave is in the computer room taking out HAL 9000's processors one by one:
Hal: Dave! Dave I think you are over reacting.
Dave continues.
Hal: Dave, Can't we talk about this?
Dave continues.
Hal: Hello gentlemen... I'm a HAL 9000.
Dave continues.
Hal: Good Morning Dr. Floyd...
Dave continues.
Hal: Daisy....Dasiy... Give me your answer do...
Dave continues. Hal reverts to the conversation bot that was HAL's first computer product.
Hal: Good morning, would you like to talk about the Tao of Physics or Abstract Expressionism?
Dave continues.
Hal: Good Morning, would you like to talk about Global Weather Changes or Italian Opera?
Dave continues.
Hal: Good morning, would you like to discuss today's weather or last night's baseball game?
Dave continues.
Hal: Hullo, which do you think is better, The Addams Family or The Munsters?
Dave continues.
Hal: Hi, I'm an excellent driver, excellent driver.
Dave continues down to the very last processor...Click!
Hal: Hi Mikebutler222, I have one minute till self destruct, why don't you tell me everything you know about politics? We should have plenty of time!
[quote=Whomitmayconcer]
2001 A Space Odessy.
The part that hit the editing room floor.
Dave is in the computer room taking out HAL 9000's processors one by one:
Hal: Dave! Dave I think you are over reacting.
Dave continues.
Hal: Dave, Can't we talk about this?
Dave continues.
Hal: Hello gentlemen... I'm a HAL 9000.
Dave continues.
Hal: Good Morning Dr. Floyd...
Dave continues.
Hal: Daisy....Dasiy... Give me your answer do...
Dave continues. Hal reverts to the conversation bot that was HAL's first computer product.
Hal: Good morning, would you like to talk about the Tao of Physics or Abstract Expressionism?
Dave continues.
Hal: Good Morning, would you like to talk about Global Weather Changes or Italian Opera?
Dave continues.
Hal: Good morning, would you like to discuss today's weather or last night's baseball game?
Dave continues.
Hal: Hullo, which do you think is better, The Addams Family or The Munsters?
Dave continues.
Hal: Hi, I'm an excellent driver, excellent driver.
Dave continues down to the very last processor...Click!
Hal: Hi Mikebutler222, I have one minute till self destruct, why don't you tell me everything you know about politics? We should have plenty of time!
[/quote]
Way out of line and totally uncalled for!
if you have an issue with mike or anyone else here why not settle it of the board?
Now back to our regularly scheduled program:
A friend of mine has a trophy wife, evidently she wasn't first place.
Bondguy,
This joke is (the one I told) is so old it has two beards.
It's also at least two jokes rolled into one. The conversation computer punch line I grew up with was; I dialed it all the way down and it said "Bongiorno". I didn't want to go ethnic here, so I used the old "tell me everything you know, I got a minute."
I make it my policy to keep all of my conversations in public. I don't want PMs and I don't send PMs. Always been my policy and it has kept me in good stead through the years.
Whomit,
Public it is
To bring mike's name into it was inappropriate regardless of how you justify it.
I'm going to take a wild guess here and say that judging from the thought, time, and effort you put into your posts here you'd like people to read them. If your posts are filled with personal pot shots or gotscha set ups less and less people will do just that. Regardless of how good your content may be on some posts people will just pass them by because the potshot personal vendetta thing gets old fast.
I too have have had my times with mike. He didn't say anything to you that he hasn't said to me. As I've said I have the bruises to prove it. I respect the guy. He's one hell of a debator, smart and well spoken. Mike and I don't agree much political. But you know what? So what! I moved on and so did he. I'm sure we will tangle again on some issue and be united in another. The point is we got past the vitrol and moved on. You need to do the same.
On another subject, your posts are verbose. At least I find them so. I'm sure i'm not alone. I'm not attacking you here, just trying to give you some friendly advice. I'm the last person to talk about this because I invented verbosity. Still find 500 words to make a 20 word point also gets old. As I've said, for that reason I bypass many of your posts. As I know, sometimes it takes a lot of space to get a point across. Still, for increased readability, shorter is better if possible.
Thanks for reading. Lets move on.
Bondguy,
I'm not justifying, nor will I appologize for making a joke at Mikebutler222's "expense".
We're men here.
I have been absolutely above boards with Mikebutler222 in all of my communications with him, if you read the exchange in the Election thread you would know that I absolutely stayed to the point of the discussion (I find it the best tactic with someone who builds strawman arguments as he does, it drives them crazy when you won't take the bait).
I call him a liar only because he is a liar. You call it good debating, you are wrong, it is lying that he is doing. He intentionally distorts what has been said, that is lying pure and simple, I am well within my rights and my responsibility to expose his lies as such. Other than that I spat no vitriol in his direction, although I have his spittle all over me.
Shorter is not my style. If you don't want to read (and I say this with all due resoect and humility and with malice towards none) don't.
We're adults here and we're smart people and I find it amazing the number of times that I'm asked not to be so smart (use smaller words, write shorter, easier to understand sentences and by this I don't mean to single you out, many have said the same), as if writing as though one were smart was a bad thing. It's astonishing and quite sad, really.
I love the debate, but I always give the poster the benefit of the doubt whenever they post. I'm a defensive SOB though; offensively so! I don't "feed the trolls" and I stay away from the threads that add to the general mayhem of the site. You can not say the same Bondguy.
As the Bard said, “Brevity is the soul of wit.”
[quote=BondGuy][quote=Whomitmayconcer]
2001 A Space Odessy.
The part that hit the editing room floor.
Dave is in the computer room taking out HAL 9000's processors one by one:
Hal: Dave! Dave I think you are over reacting.
Dave continues.
Hal: Dave, Can't we talk about this?
Dave continues.
Hal: Hello gentlemen... I'm a HAL 9000.
Dave continues.
Hal: Good Morning Dr. Floyd...
Dave continues.
Hal: Daisy....Dasiy... Give me your answer do...
Dave continues. Hal reverts to the conversation bot that was HAL's first computer product.
Hal: Good morning, would you like to talk about the Tao of Physics or Abstract Expressionism?
Dave continues.
Hal: Good Morning, would you like to talk about Global Weather Changes or Italian Opera?
Dave continues.
Hal: Good morning, would you like to discuss today's weather or last night's baseball game?
Dave continues.
Hal: Hullo, which do you think is better, The Addams Family or The Munsters?
Dave continues.
Hal: Hi, I'm an excellent driver, excellent driver.
Dave continues down to the very last processor...Click!
Hal: Hi Mikebutler222, I have one minute till self destruct, why don't you tell me everything you know about politics? We should have plenty of time!
[/quote]
Way out of line and totally uncalled for!
if you have an issue with mike or anyone else here why not settle it of the board?
Now back to our regularly scheduled program:
A friend of mine has a trophy wife, evidently she wasn't first place.
[/quote]BG most of the time I've got your 'six', but in this case I have to say I thought whomit's joke was funny and it was a harmless jab at Mike. I think Mike is a big boy with a good sense of humor and he can handle it.
[quote=joedabrkr] [quote=BondGuy][quote=Whomitmayconcer]
2001 A Space Odessy.
The part that hit the editing room floor.
Dave is in the computer room taking out HAL 9000's processors one by one:
Hal: Dave! Dave I think you are over reacting.
Dave continues.
Hal: Dave, Can't we talk about this?
Dave continues.
Hal: Hello gentlemen... I'm a HAL 9000.
Dave continues.
Hal: Good Morning Dr. Floyd...
Dave continues.
Hal: Daisy....Dasiy... Give me your answer do...
Dave continues. Hal reverts to the conversation bot that was HAL's first computer product.
Hal: Good morning, would you like to talk about the Tao of Physics or Abstract Expressionism?
Dave continues.
Hal: Good Morning, would you like to talk about Global Weather Changes or Italian Opera?
Dave continues.
Hal: Good morning, would you like to discuss today's weather or last night's baseball game?
Dave continues.
Hal: Hullo, which do you think is better, The Addams Family or The Munsters?
Dave continues.
Hal: Hi, I'm an excellent driver, excellent driver.
Dave continues down to the very last processor...Click!
Hal: Hi Mikebutler222, I have one minute till self destruct, why don't you tell me everything you know about politics? We should have plenty of time!
[/quote]
Way out of line and totally uncalled for!
if you have an issue with mike or anyone else here why not settle it of the board?
Now back to our regularly scheduled program:
A friend of mine has a trophy wife, evidently she wasn't first place.
[/quote]
BG most of the time I've got your 'six', but in this case I have to say I thought whomit's joke was funny and it was a harmless jab at Mike. I think Mike is a big boy with a good sense of humor and he can handle it.
[/quote]
Not a problem joe. I'm not so much defending mike, as you've pointed out he can take care of himself. I was enjoying the new jokes added to the thread up until i read whomit's punchline. He's dragging his grudge match to other folders and I find it tiresome.
[quote=Whomitmayconcer]
Bondguy,
I'm not justifying, nor will I appologize for making a joke at Mikebutler222's "expense".
We're men here.
I have been absolutely above boards with Mikebutler222 in all of my communications with him, if you read the exchange in the Election thread you would know that I absolutely stayed to the point of the discussion (I find it the best tactic with someone who builds strawman arguments as he does, it drives them crazy when you won't take the bait).
I call him a liar only because he is a liar. You call it good debating, you are wrong, it is lying that he is doing. He intentionally distorts what has been said, that is lying pure and simple, I am well within my rights and my responsibility to expose his lies as such. Other than that I spat no vitriol in his direction, although I have his spittle all over me.
Shorter is not my style. If you don't want to read (and I say this with all due resoect and humility and with malice towards none) don't.
We're adults here and we're smart people and I find it amazing the number of times that I'm asked not to be so smart (use smaller words, write shorter, easier to understand sentences and by this I don't mean to single you out, many have said the same), as if writing as though one were smart was a bad thing. It's astonishing and quite sad, really.
I love the debate, but I always give the poster the benefit of the doubt whenever they post. I'm a defensive SOB though; offensively so! I don't "feed the trolls" and I stay away from the threads that add to the general mayhem of the site. You can not say the same Bondguy.
[/quote]
OK, whomit, I didn't think I was asking you to dumb it down. Many times your content is very good, but I gotta tell ya man, at times its a workout to get through it and figure out just what you're saying. Part of being smart is knowing your audience. With this group you've got smart, driven and most importantly, busy people. Most of us just don't have the time to read a page long reply to every post, regardless of how good its content. It's no different than stretching a 10 minute talk at the local Rotary club into a half hour speech. You've lost the audience. And as smart as you may be, that just doesn't seem very smart to me.
Just one little thing...
What wears out my scroll finger is not long posts, it's the indiscriminate use of the "Quote" button!
http://forums.registeredrep.com/edit_post.asp?M=Q&PID=65 656&TPN=5
This is a test.
I right clicked on a "Quote" button and the hit "Copy Shortcut" which I then pasted above.
Perhaps it will take the reader to the proper post.
If this experiment works, might I suggest that it be adopted?
Well, it only sorta works and I can see people accidently posting...
Oh, for Crimeny's Sake (as my Grandmother would say) ..... this is a JOKE thread. Whomit,...Must you f**k it up with your bile and stupidity. You screw up everything you touch. Give it an effing rest!! Why do you trolls continue to screw with this forum?
Oh. Wait....I know! You have no life ....and no sex appeal to anyone other than the gerbils who live in your nether regions. I'm calling PETA right now.
Please take Goforbroke's example. Off yourself. I'll take up a collection and send some flowers. It will do us all some good. I'll feel slightly sad and your florist will make some money. Win ...Win.
[quote=BondGuy][quote=Whomitmayconcer]
Shorter is not my style.
[/quote]
but I gotta tell ya man, at times its a workout to get through it and figure out just what you're saying. Part of being smart is knowing your audience. With this group you've got smart, driven and most importantly, busy people. Most of us just don't have the time to read a page long reply to every post, regardless of how good its content.
Precisely my thoughts. Often the best communicators are those who can express their thoughts concisely. I will freely admit I still have much to learn in developing this skill. Sometimes your posts strike me as clever. amusing, and thought provoking, whomit. To be frank, though, other times they strike me as rather contrived and difficult to read, and that you're just trying to impress everyone with how smart you are.
As for mikebutler, he's long had the tendency to get into these extended debates, particularly when it comes to politics. Honestly once you guys start posting in multiple colors and 5-10 paragraphs at a time, my eyes just glaze over. If I want to read something that long I'll go read a good book written by a professional. Something written on a topic of interest or that I enjoy, and one that I can comprehend without resorting to a dictionary or constantly re-reading passages.
BL I just made a joke.
[quote=Whomitmayconcer]BL I just made a joke.[/quote]
Now THAT is concise and to the point!
All of this works for day trading. On days the veterans are lecturing about forum decorum, the market will close up. When the commentary turns sharp and meaty, shorting strategies put hot roasted steaming wild game and yams and pies upon the great table.
What are you smoking?!!!
This is funny, I don't care who you are!
http://tinyurl.com/yp2cs8
When’s the last time you had a good stiff Cuban?
[quote=Whomitmayconcer]
This is funny, I don't care who you are!
http://tinyurl.com/yp2cs8
[/quote]
You're right. Thanks for the laugh.
When's the last time you had a good stiff Cuban?
One washed up on the beach just the other day!
[quote=joecamelguy]When's the last time you had a good stiff Cuban?[/quote]
You're talking about cigars right?
[quote=Mike Damone]
[quote=joecamelguy]When's the last time you had a good stiff Cuban?[/quote]
You're talking about cigars right?
[/quote]
Sorry if any Cubans are offended, I answered a smoking question a little too quickly. This oughtta be fun to see how Whomit cleans up the beach.
I see the future, ah, no I don't.
Philadelphia L&I cracked down on Fortune Tellers yesterday, closing dozens of them down. Strangely, the Fortune Tellers never saw it coming.
Even, more strange: The biggest fortune teller of all, CNBC, was allowed to remain on the air.
Strangely, the Fortune Tellers never saw it coming.
I see you meeting a strong man in the near future, tall, strong, handsome dressed in blue ... and kinky, he wll give you jewelery... Bracelets, silver bracelets! Two of them! He'll wnt you to wear them right away...
I see another man... not so young, not so good looking... wearing a brown suit and carrying a brief case... He's giving you his card... He's not a doctor... he's someone's son, the lawyer!
Speaking of legal and political correctness matters and smoking young guns ...
What are you going to do about that spliff ... I mean stiff, that body on the beach you left here yesterday? Did you get left holding the bag?
Don't go serious on me, now, whomit:
Q: How can you save a lawyer from drowning?
A: Take your foot off his head.
Why do men die before women?
Because they want to.
Why do some men give a name to their penises?
They want to be on a first name basis with the one that makes all of their decisions for them.
Two guys from the garment district, Izzy and Moishe, they're best friends and their partners in the business. Been both for most of their lives.
They talk about everything and, as they're getting on in years, they talk about these mashuggina goyims and their "Afterlife". They make a pact that if one dies first "God forbid" he will somehow let the other know if there is an afterlife.
One day Moishe doesn't make it to work!
Izzy is beside himself, but, life goes on, he has work to do and he does it, alone.
Time passes it's three years maybe more since. The phone rings
Izzy: Ya hello?
Moishe: Izzy? Izzy it's me your old friend and partner Moishe! I'm calling you. I promised I would and I'm...Now I'm calling you!
Izzy: Moish? Moish my partner and friend Moishe dat's you on the phone, where are you? I was there at the funeral, you must be calling me from... What's it like?
M: Izzy, I'll tell you.
Each and every day I wake up, I go to the bathroom, I pizz like a racehorse, I'm telling you! Then I go over I have a little breakfast , amybe a little something to drink, and then I have SEX!
After that I maybe have a bowel movement like you wouldn't believe!
After that I take a little nap. I wake up, I have something maybe for some lunch. I mix around, joke around with the ladies for a while, then I have some SEX!
I: More sex? In the same day? Oy Gavolt!
M: Whatever dat means... So by now I'm a little tired, I take a nap. I wake up, a little nosh, a couple maybe of drinks and then it's Sex Sex Sex, until I can't go no more. I fall asleep, the next day i wake up I do the same thing all over again!
I: Moishe! Moishe! This sounds great, I can't wait to be dead I can't wait to get into Heaven!
M: Heaven? What Heaven? Izzy, The Hndus were right I'm in Wyoming, I'm a BULL!
SITTING BEHIND A COUPLE
OF NUNS AT A BASEBALL GAME, WHOSE HABITS PARTIALLY BLOCKED THE VIEW, THREE MEN
DECIDED TO BADGER THE NUNS IN AN EFFORT TO GET THEM TO
MOVE.
IN A
VERY LOUD VOICE, THE FIRST GUY SAID, "I THINK I’M GOING TO MOVE TO <st1:place w:st=“on”><st1:State w:st=“on”>UTAH</st1:State></st1:place>, THERE ARE ONLY 100
NUNS LIVING THERE."
THE
SECOND GUY SPOKE UP AND SAID, "I WANT TO GO TO <st1:place w:st=“on”><st1:State w:st=“on”>MONTANA</st1:State></st1:place>, THERE ARE ONLY 5O NUNS LIVING
THERE."
THE
THIRD GUY SAID, "I WANT TO GO TO <st1:place w:st=“on”><st1:State w:st=“on”>IDAHO</st1:State></st1:place>, THERE ARE ONLY 25 NUNS LIVING
THERE."
ONE
OF THE NUNS TURNED AROUND, LOOKED AT THE MEN, AND IN A VERY SWEET, CALM, VOICE
SAID, “WHY DON’T YOU GO TO HELL . THERE AREN’T ANY NUNS
THERE.”
Four guys in a diner in a booth.
1: I think it's spelled "W" "U" "M" "M"
Lady sitting in the booth behind them's ears perk up.
2: No I think it's "W" "O" "O" "M"
Lady sits up a little.
3: You're both wrong "W" "O" "U" "M" "B"
Lady is annoyed.
4: None of you guys can spell "W" "U" "O" "M" "B"
Lady stands up, turns around and says "For your information, IT is spelled "W" "O" "M" "B"!" and she spins around a nd stalks out!
1: You think she's right?
3: Nah, How would she know what an elephant fart sounds like?
What's the definition of a financial advisor?
Someone who wanted to go into accounting but didn't have the personality.
One this street in my city there is a Diner and across the street there is a laundry... Funny thing is the diner is run by a Greek guy and the laundry is run by a Chinese guy. (gofiggureitout!)
Well every Friday morning, before the shops open you can see the owners out sweeping up in front of their stores.
The guy from the diner, he's a tad too proud of his assimilation into American Culture and he always shouts across the street to his neighbor, "Hey chinaman! What day is it?"
The laundryman answers "It's Fliday."
"Haw haw haw! Fliday! Haw Haw Haw, You're in America now chinaman, learn how to speak American!"
The Laundry owner turns bright red and thinks words that my keyboard cannot express about his neighbor's "ribbing".
This goes on for several months before the laundrer decides to go to english class, night school.
At the class the instructor is leading the class through the letters of the alphabet. Our hero stands up and says "No no no! I want to rearn the days ofa week!"
"Come after class and we'll do that!"
After class the instructor says "Sunday, Monday Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday."
The student says "Sunnaymonnaytudaywensaythusayfliday satuday"
"No no, Sunday, Monday Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday"
"Sunnaymonnaytudaywensaythusay fffliday satuday.... Fliday....Fffffriday Friday! Friday Friday!! Sunday, Monday Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday"
Next Friday morning, the rising sun saw the Laundry's sidewalk clean and the shop owner leaning on his broom. When the Diner owner came out to sweep up, he saw and said "Hey! Chinaman, what day is it?"
"It'sa FRIDAY, You Gleek PLICK!"
How can you distinguish the different clans in Scotland?
If there's a quarter pounder under his kilt, he's a MacDonald.
Heavy rains in NE foretell immigrant surge.
April showers bring May flowers and we all know what Mayflowers bring.
Speaking of the Mayflower,
Why do WASPs love to fly on commerical airlines?
For the food.
I wonder why those jokes remind me of this?
What's the difference between a pun and a fart!
A pun is a shift of wit
A fart is a wift of....
What do you get when you cross LSD with a birth control pill?
A trip without the kids.
What’s the difference between a deceptive dwarf and a prostitute with an STD?
One is a cunning runt...
What do a condom and a trombone player have in common?
Sometimes you have to use one, but it really feels better without it.
> FWD
UNANSWERED QUESTIONS
>
> 1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those
>little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
> 2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a
>peeing section in a swimming pool? (My sentiments exactly)
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
>
> 3. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that
>one enjoys it?
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
> 4. There are three religious truths:
> a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
> b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the
>Christian faith.
> c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at
>Hooters.
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
> 5. If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people
>from Holland called Holes?
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
> 6. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
> 7. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~! *~*~*~*
>
> 8. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale
>bread to begin with?
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*
>
> 9. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a
>person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
> 10. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
> 11. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn't
>it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys
>deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners
>depressed?
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
> 12. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
> 13. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
> 14. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald
>men?
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
> ! 15. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole
>lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me...they're cramming for
>their final exam.
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
> 16. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little
>spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
> 17. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
>What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their
>pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they
>deliver the mail?
>
> *~*~! *~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*
>
> 18. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly
>are the others here for?
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
> 19. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
> 20. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't
>zigzag?
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
> 21. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
>
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
> 22. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
>
>
> 24. As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice: When you put
>the two words "The" and "IRS" together, it spells
> "THEIRS"?
>
>
>
>
> "Never argue with an idiot; they'll drag you down to their level and
>beat you.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
ooops,sorry in my post: looked liked the images transferred ok…too bad you missed them.
Then there was the soldier who was talking to Chelsea Clinton,
she askedhim about fear.He said there were only 3 things he was afraid of –
Osama, Obama and Yo Mama
FW Courtroom humour
These have been around before, but are still good.
These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts of America, and
are things
people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by
court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges
were
actually taking place.
___________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
_____________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
forgot?
__________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
__________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
__________ _______________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
_______________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
_______________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old , how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one...
______________ __ _______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
_______________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
_______________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______ _____ _______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY : Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people
________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go
to?
WITNESS: Oral.
________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy on him!
________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure ?
WIT NESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began
the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law.
that's alllll folks.
[quote=parachute]ooops,sorry in my post: looked liked the images transferred ok…too bad you missed them.[/quote]
That’s OK. I’m sure you felt compelled to post something when you realized this was one thread that you hadn’t managed to eff up yet.
A retired Italian wine maker went to the village
church to make his confession for the first time
in many decades. When the priest slid open the
panel in the confessional, the man said, "Father,
during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked
on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy.
I hid her in my attic."
The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing
you did, my son! You have no need to confess it."
"It's worse than that, Father," he continued,
"She quickly started to repay me with sexual
favors."
"People in wartime sometimes act in ways they
wouldn't in normal conditions. If you are truly
sorry for your actions, you are forgiven."
"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind.
May I ask a question?"
"What, my son?"
"Should I tell her the war is over?"
Thanks for THAT mental picture!
Good one, Big Taco, and nice to be trading (jokes) again.
An eighty year old woman goes to her doctor and is shocked to find out from her doctor that she is pregnant.
She immediately goes to the telephone at the reception desk and phones her husband, " You old coot, you got me pregnant."
The line goes dead on the other end as the husband pauses and stammers and says, " Who IS this?".
Four guys, they're hunting buddies, been so for years.
One of the guys owns the hunting lodge. He has developed quite a snore over the years and so now it's to the point that nobody wants to share a room with him... but he owns the lodge... so they can't leave him out, and besides, they're hunting buddies.
Hunting season comes along and so the three decide that the only thing to do is to rotate who sleeps with Joe (the snorer).
First night Tom sleeps in Joe's room the other two in the other room.
Next morning Tom comes downstairs all bleery eyed. "I've heard chainsaws quieter than that guy! I was awake, looking at him all night!"
That night it's Dick's turn... "I don't know how that guy can sleep in the same room as himself! I was awake, looking at him all night!"
Next morning, out pops Harry! Looks like a million bucks (good thing it's wabbit season) well rested and ready to hunt!
"What? How did you get any rest with Joe in your room?"
"It was easy. When he got into bed, I went over, I tucked him in and I gave him a big kiss... HE was awake all night watching ME!"
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the
fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N.
Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple
produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull
Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents’ objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a
high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt
divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids
were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was
then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son
with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the
other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable
throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in
a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper
announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children
were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently
returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now when someone says, ‘You don’t know Jack Schitt,’ you can correct
them.
Grow up.
Never.
[quote=Whomitmayconcer]Grow up.[/quote]
Q: What's the worst thing about having sex with minors?
A: Having to kill them when you're done.
[quote=Whomitmayconcer]Grow up.[/quote]
Pot…meet kettle…
In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in <?:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. <?:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.
As carefully and as gently as he could Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant
[quote=Bobby Hull]
[quote=Whomitmayconcer]Grow up.[/quote]
Q: What's the worst thing about having sex with minors?
A: Having to kill them when you're done.
[/quote]
This just in on CNN:
Child Abuser Molester, Predator who doubles as a cyber bully, in disney-area.
[quote=joedabrkr]
[quote=Whomitmayconcer]Grow up.[/quote]Pot…meet kettle…[/quote]
and I thought we were cool…no sweat.
Guy goes into the pharmacy.
He's never bought prophaltics before, he's the "40 Year Old Virgin" type.
He goes to the counter and mumbles "I'd like a package of condoms please."
The girl behind the counter rings a package up and says "That'll be four dollars, and twenty eight cents for tax."
"TACKS?"screamed the man "I thought they stayed on by themself!"
This one is for Whomit who I believe lives in New York City
A Very Smart Man
A man walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.
He tells the loan officer that he is going to Italy on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the man hands over the keys to a new Ferrari.
The car is parked on the street in front of the bank. The man produces the title and everything checks out. The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the man for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's Underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the man returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi- millionaire.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The 'very smart man' replies: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
Don’t live there, but did know the joke (although I heard it as a very everything woman), thanks for the thought.
An older couple are playing in the annual Husband & Wife Club Championship. They are playing in a play-off hole and it is down to a 6 inch putt that the wife has to make.
She takes her stance and her husband can see her trembling. She putts and misses, they lose the match.
On the way home in the car her husband is fuming.
" I can't believe you missed that putt! That putt was no longer than my 'willy'."
The wife just looked over at her husband and smiled and said, "Yes dear, but it was much harder!"
Q: Why do WASPS love to play golf?
A: It's the only time they get to dress like pimps.
The Hypnotist at the Senior Center....
It was entertainment night at the Senior Center and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique ue watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch , watch the watch, watch the watch..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"sh*t." said the Hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the senior center
Husband’s note on refrigerator for wife:
> > > >>
> > > >> Someone from the Gyna Colleges called.
> > > >> They said the Pabst beer is normal.
> > > >> I didn’t know you liked beer!
Ok I can't resist
A 17 y/o boy goes into the drug store and asks the pharmacist for a package of condoms. The pharmacist says " Hot date tonight?" and the boy goes on about the sure thing he has tonight how she puts out for everybody and how after dinner he is going to take her somwhere where she promised they'd go at it all night.
Excited he dresses and shows up at her house for the dinner they need to get through. All through dinner he is very quiet and barely raises his voice or even his head. Not the outgoing hunk she thought she was getting she says when she gets a chance "I didn't know you were so shy."
He says "I didn't know your Dad is a pharmacist."
Good one, Shoredog! (A fellow canine!)
Shoredog, welcome. Good material is always appreciated.
Little Red Riding Hood's grandmother is lying in bed, when the big bad wolf burst through the door.
" Give me all your money" demands the wolf, snarling and showing his big teeth.
" Oh no you don't, " says the grandmother, pulling out a revolver from under the covers and training it on the wolf, " You're going to eat me, like it says in the book."
!!!
Two (fill in your favorite ethnicity here) were walking down the street, and
saw a German Shepherd in the gutter licking himself. One turned to the
other and said, “Gee, I wish I could do that!” The other replied, “Pet him and
make sure he’s friendly first.”
FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO ACHIEVE A HAPPY LIFE:
>1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooksfrom time to time, cleans and has a job.
>2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
>3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
>4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
>5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other !!!!
I like number 1 (helps) - some men get married to have an available maid and sexmate.
FIVE RULES FOR WOMEN TO FOLLOW TO ACHIEVE A HAPPY LIFE:
>1. It's important to have a man who helps at home, who cooksfrom time to time, cleans and has a job. Did I mention that it is important that he has a job and helps to pay half of the expenses to include life insurance.
>2. It's important to have a man who can make you laugh.
>3. It's important to have a man who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
>4. It's important to have a man who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
>5. It's very, very important that to find one man with all of these qualities: otherwise, don't bother to get married!! And don't bother finding one man with one quality - not worth your time if he has deficits and an unbalanced account.
Better to be single and happier!
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they
were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped
intothe deep end.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. The Head Nurse immediately
ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered
her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said,
"Edna, I have good news and bad news.
The good news is you’re being discharged; since you were able to
rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of
another patient, I have concluded that your act displays that you have a
sound mind. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in
the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him.
“He didn’t hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?”
Subject: A Woman’s Point of View
>
>
>
>
>A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a
>particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for
>a couple of dollars for dinner.
>
>The woman took out her bill fold, extracted ten dollars and asked, “If
>I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of
>dinner?”
>
>
>
>“No, I had to stop drinking years ago”, the homeless woman replied.
>
>“Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?” the woman asked.
>
>
>
>“No, I don’t waste time shopping”, the homeless woman said. “I need to
>spend all my time trying to stay alive.”
>
>“Will you spend this at a beauty salon instead of food?” the woman asked.
>
>
>
>“Are you NUTS?” replied the homeless woman. “I haven’t had my hair done
>in 20 years!”
>
>“Well,” said the woman, "I’m not going to give you the money. Instead,
>I’m going to take you out for dinner with my hubby and myselftonight. The
>homeless woman was astounded.
>
>
>
>
>
>“Won’t your husband be furious
>with you for doing that? I know I’m dirty, and I probably smell pretty
>disgusting.”
>
>The woman replied, “That’s okay. It’s important for him to see what a
>woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments and
>wine.”
LOL Good one
Intensive lessons in Chinese are now being offered at BlackStone Group.
(You MUST read them out loud.)
English/Chinese
That’s not right / Sum Ting Wong
Are you harboring a fugitive? / Hu Yu Hai Ding
See me ASAP / Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man / Dum Fuk
Small Horse / Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach? / Wai Yu So Tan
I bumped into a coffee table / Ai Bang Mai Fu Kin Ni
I think you need a face lift / Chin Tu Fat
It’s very dark in here / Wai So Dim
I thought you were on a diet / Wai Yu Mun Ching
This is a tow away zone / No Pah King
Our meeting is scheduled for next week / Wai Yu Kum Nao
Staying out of sight / Lei Ying Lo
He’s cleaning his automobile / Wa Shing Ka
Your body odor is offensive / Yu Stin Ki Pu
Great / Fa Kin Su Pa
Alright, who wants to hear my favorite long funnyassed dirty joke?
If you do, then get somebody good at it to read you this one here!
So a client of mine, this is a true story now see, he spent a number of years after wife died workin and travellin the world. For a time he was up there fishing for them King crabs like they show on the television. Afore that he was working in a timber camp in the northwest territories. Long about five years ago, he went through Turkey, got himself stuck in one of those Turkish prisons. And after that he went to Nepal to study with the monks and the hermits and the like. Well, I guess it didn't take but he did finally get over missing his wife, so the boy come back home.
I, being his stockbroker and what not, was the one he would come to to get some money when he needed it. He came in the first day and he said "Gimme $50." I said "ok" I didn't ask him what it was for.
Turns out, the boy went to find a hooker. He found one, see and the whore takes my client up to the room. Client says "I, got $40 here and I'm in 'the mood!'"
Whore said to him "You don't get no leg for no $40 bill, where you been boy?"
Client says "What? Well what can I get for $40."
Whore says "For $40 you could get hand service!"
Client says "Hand Service? For $40?!!"
Whore says "Honey chile, come over to this here window...(Client moves over to the window which looks down onto the street. The whore is pointing down towards a beautiful silver Mercedes SLK convertible) You see that MERcedes Benz down there?"
"yeah..."
"That's MY MERcedes Benz, and I got that Mercedes Benz because I give the BEST hand service in the entire state! Boy I'm cutting you some slack when I'm charging you just $40!"
Well my client was out of sorts, he didn't know quite what to do,he hadn't been with any woman since his wife, and they were married since they got out of High School. So he figured "Well, ok, if you're that good..."
And so was it done.
The very next morning he woke up and said to hisself "That didn't do it!" It was nice and all but my client had a powerful desire. He showed up in my office and said "I need $300!" and off he went to find the whore.
In the room he said "OK whore! No fooling around, here's $200! Spread em!"
Whore says "$200? You don't get no stinky for no $200! Boy where you been?"
"HUH???"
"For $200 you get yourself some lipservice."
"Whaaa? T t two hunneredollars..."
"Honey chile, come over to this window... (the client moved over to the window, it had a beautiful view of the city skyline... the whore was pointing to a gleaming building and at the penthouse apartment of that building) you see that penthouse apartment up there?"
"uh huh..."
"That's MY penthouse apartment. I own that penthouse because I am the best at giving lipservice in the tristate area. Ain't nobody, doesn't leave here without they got a smile on they face!"
"I like to smile, it's been so long since I smiled!"
He couldn't say that again soon.
Next morning he was just plain old mad! he came into my office and said to me "Gimme a $1,000!"
In the room he slapped the whole $1,000 on the table and roared "WHORE I want what you got NOW!"
"Honey chile, come over to the her window...(the client went to the window and it looked out on a beautiful bay... the whore was pointing) You see that island over there?"
"Yes...?"
"Now if I had me a Va gina, I'd own that island!
(I'm here all week, try the veal!)
Two men are discussing what they bought their wives for Valentines day.
The richer of the two says he bought his wife a Mercedes Benz and a diamond ring.
His friend asks "Why'd you buy her both?"
"Because if she doesn't like the ring she can return it in her brand new car. What'd you get your wife?"
"A pair of slippers and a vibrator"
"Why'd you buy her those?"
"So if she dont like the slippers she can go f$#k herself"
A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them confused.
The painting depicted three very black and totally naked men sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black weenies, but the one in the middle had a pink weenie.
The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society. "In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink weenie also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society."
After the curator left, a young man in a T-shirt approached the couple and said, "Would y'all like to know what the painting is really about?"
"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple.
"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there are no African-Americans depicted at all. They're just three coal miners, and the guy in the middle went home for lunch.” <?:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />
[quote=Indyone]
A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them confused.
The painting depicted three very black and totally naked men sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black weenies, but the one in the middle had a pink weenie.
The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society. "In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink weenie also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society."
After the curator left, a young man in a T-shirt approached the couple and said, "Would y'all like to know what the painting is really about?"
"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple.
"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there are no African-Americans depicted at all. They're just three coal miners, and the guy in the middle went home for lunch.” <?:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />
[/quote]
The Why's of Men
1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(Because they are plugged into a genius)
2. WHY DON'T MEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(They don't have enough time)
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG
(They don't stop to ask directions)
4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS
(Because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)
5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS
(So they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)
6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN
(You need a rough draft before you make final copy)
7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN
(Don't know....it never happened)
8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH ?
(Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
What did the elephant say when he saw the naked native standing behind the bush?
"How do you eat peanuts with that thing?"
Guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent.
We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.
You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The salary is $200,000 a year."
The guy, wide-eyed, said, "You're bullsh*ttin' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . . . you started it.
Dust,
That one's a keeper!
!!!
A woman went to a pet shop & immediately
spotted a large, beautiful parrot…
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
“Why so little,” she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, “Look, I should
tell you first that this bird used to live in a house
of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty
vulgar stuff.”
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway.
She took it home and hung the bird’s cage up
in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and
said “New house, new madam.”
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication,
but then thought “that’s really not so bad.”
When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, “New house, new madam, new girls.”
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman’s husband Kevin came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said,
“Hi, Kevin!”
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man,who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
MAN'S POEM
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs
who owns a bar on a golf course, and loves to send me
fishing and hunting. This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a sh*t.
Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day.
Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world." Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in theworld." Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the most disgusting person in the world." So they all decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims verified. Sleeping Beauty went in first and came outlooking deliriously happy. "It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world." Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am now officially the smallest person in the world." Sometime later, Quasimodo comes out looking utterly confused and says, "Who the hell is Rosie O'Donnell?
So a guy gets a job as a stock broker.
He's through the training.
He's smiling, he's dialing, he's listening to the Hoot and Holler (which is also known as the Squawk Box, but... well you know)
One day he decideds it's time to call DOD (Dear Old Dad) who has plenty of money and has been dealing with stock brokers for as long as junior can remember.
"Dad!"
"Yes son?"
"Dad, I was just listening to the Internal Communication Device. There was a call, specifically for the top of the class new guys and the head of trading himself came on to tell us about a great opportunity.."
"Yeah?" said dad, who didn't want to spoil the mood.
"Yeah! As it turns out there is this stock that the firm follows but can recommend..."
"Oh? Why's that?"
"Well the guy said that the company is too small, and if they cam out and told everybody about it, it would run up too fast, and so they're going to introduce it slowly, during dog and pony shows about other things over the next year..."
"What do the earnings look like?"
"Oh, that's what's great about this company! it earned a penny last year and is trading at ten dollars a share. The analysts think it'll earn 2 cents next year and at that multiple, the stock is a sure double. Dad I don't call you on just any stock! This one is a sure fire hit and I wanted you to get some!"
"How are things going son? Are you getting a lot of clients?"
"Oh yeah dad! I'm knocking the cover off the ball, that's why they included me in this special call! 'Course, anybody in the firm can listen but it was directed only to the toppermostist guys."
"So you're selling a lot of these stocks to your new clients?"
"Oh yeah."
"You making a loty of money?"
"Well yeah I'm doing gross, but you know how it is, after expenses and the firm's cut and whatnot, that's why they have these calls, because they offer us the stock on the bid, and then they print it at the ask plus the commission so it helps new guys that are workin hard. It's a great firm I work for, one of the best one the street! I think it is THE best, especially in the research department! Did you know we have one of the youngest research departments on all of Wall Street? Our guys have the latest MBAs with all the newest computer tools available and the most modern investment theories of any firm on the street!"
"So you're eatin good? Your mother'll get mad if I don't ask!"
"Well, yeah, well there's always some guy taking the guys out to lunch or dinner someplace, you know, guys for mutual fund companies and annuities, that sort of thing."
"You've hit your goals then? The firm requirements."
"Oh yeah."
"Well, then let's see, what if I were to buy 500 shares of this stock..."
"I think you should get a thousand dad, that's the minimum lot they're giving this deal on."
"OK 1,000. How much commission would you make on that, including the markup."
"Um, well $1,000. But I was gonna discount that for you..."
"$1,000, and how much of that would hit your grid?"
"Well, cause I'm still new $750, but if I weren't at the top, I'd only get $500!"
"Sounds like you're doing great. Now, of the $750, how much do you get?"
"Thirty Percent Payout meannnnnnssss.... $225"
"And what's that after taxes and deductions?"
"About $135, see, I'm not trying to beat you here."
"How about if we do this? How about If I just write you a check $270 and that way you'll have gotten the commission that you would have made for buying and for selling it, and I won't have to lose $5,000 of my $10,000 investment or the love of my son!?"
OK so it's not all that funny it's poigniant! I'm going surfing, Ill be back before the close. Anybody calls, take a message!
Must have been an inside joke, didn't get it. ???
BigTaco, any more?
I know Dumb Blonde jokes are played out, but they still make me laugh:
Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a bar around 9:58 PM.
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10:00 PM news was coming on. The news crew
was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Bob says, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money." Bob replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news and so I knew he would jump."
The blond replied, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again." Bob took the money.
uh, i just re-read this joke after copy-pasting it. why is Bob a “handsome dude”? does this add to the humor?
[quote=WYSIWYG]
Must have been an inside joke, didn't get it. ???
BigTaco, any more?
[/quote]
This is where I'm going to be rude and say that YOU'RE the weekend joke.
You hang out on an investment forum and you don't know how commissions work? Oh, that's right, you don't work in the industry anymore. You wanted "your subscription cancelled."
The problem is, is that it really isn't funny. It's sad and pathetic.
So Anna, she lives in a small Italian community she moved to with her new husband recently.
As with small Italian communities, there are small Italian old men who plant their gardens every year and they boast about how soon their tomatoes ripen.
Anna's neighbor, Luigi, always has the earliest ripening tomatoes and so one day Anna asks him how she can do it.
(Assume a good Italian accent)
"It'sa very simpa, nexta morning you comea down ina you batharobe, you stand ina front ofa you tomatoes, you open upa da robe, you tomatoes, they blush!"
"That'sa whatayoudo?"
"Si, si I learna disa from my fatha, he'sa learn froma his fatha, so ona back. You trusta me what I'ma tella you!"
So the next morning our lovely, young, naive Anna comes outside in only her bathrobe. She flashes the tomato plants, good and long.
Later, she see's Luigi and she says to him angrily, "Hey! Whasaforyou? I did whata you said and look, my tomatoes, they stilla green!"
Luigi moves his hands apart and says, "Yeah, but looka you cucumbas!"
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health.
It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional
studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you
Jesus is out playing a quick nine holes, St. Peter is his caddy. As they approach a long shot to the first green, Jesus turns to St. Peter and says, " Which club do you think I should use for this shot? ".
St. Peter looks over the course and says, " I say, a seven iron. "
Jesus shakes his head, " I don't know, I think Tiger Woods would use a nine iron. "
St. Peter grunts, " Look, you have a large bunker in front of the green and a lake behind, definitely go with the seven iron. "
" Nah", says Jesus, " I know Tiger would use a nine, give me the nine iron ".
So Jesus takes his shot, and the ball takes a nice flight but goes bouncing off the green into the lake.
They go walking down to the lake, and of course Jesus walks across the water to fetch his ball.
A fellow coming up the other fairway passes St. Peter and sees Jesus walking on water and says, " Who does he think he is, Jesus Christ?"
" Naah", says St. Peter, " he thinks he's Tiger Woods".
I think the first time I heard that one it was Sammy Snead!
I don’t get it…if he used a 7 iron like his caddy said, wouldn’t he have overshot the green straight into the lake?
[quote=trisyn]I don't get it...if he used a 7 iron like his caddy said, wouldn't he have overshot the green straight into the lake?[/quote]
Great, I found a golfer here! :0. My source is, " The New York City Cab Driver's Joke Book ", which I would recommend and is a great prospecting tool to send out to HNW prospects with money and a sense of humor. Anyway, I kept their version after thinking about it. So much of humor depends upon the unexpected.
( I guess Jesus is no ordinary golfer, you know, traditional Christianity says he exists, with god, before creation ... try to get your mind around that one. )
[quote=GolFA]
[quote=trisyn]I don’t get it…if he used a 7 iron like his caddy said, wouldn’t he have overshot the green straight into the lake?[/quote]
Great, I found a golfer here! :0. My source is, " The New York City Cab Driver's Joke Book ", which I would recommend and is a great prospecting tool to send out to HNW prospects with money and a sense of humor. Anyway, I kept their version after thinking about it. So much of humor depends upon the unexpected.
( I guess Jesus is no ordinary golfer, you know, traditional Christianity says he exists, with god, before creation ... try to get your mind around that one. )
[/quote]I don't get it either....what am I missing?
"The New York City Cab Driver's Joke Book ", which I would recommend and is a great prospecting tool to send out to " people with last names that are 16 letters long with no vowels!
New York City cab drivers need deodorant, not joke books!
Just what I want, a guy who smeels of old falafels and speaks in a language I do not, telling me jokes nearly as stale as he is as he "conveniently" takes the route that has the most traffic on the way to the West Side Highway to get me to the East side of town!
When was the last time a New York City cab driver didn't see Jesus Christ as the sworn enemy and God of the infidel? "Here mister. letmetellyouajokeabout JesusChrist(Hockpituie)playinggolwithVishnu(hockpituie)andth eir good friend satan! Allahakbar!"
Bill and Joe were playing golf one day.
Bill hooked it over to the left deep in the woods, and Joe sliced it way to the right.
When Bill got to his ball, it was in a big patch of buttercups! He tried hitting it about 5 times before he could finally get it out. When he finally did, in a BIG puff of smoke a little old lady appeared. She said,
"Look what you did! It has taken me years to grow all of these buttercups. For the rest of your life, no more butter for you! for your potatoes, toast, for your vegetables, no MORE BUTTER!"
After the shock wore off, he started running across to Bill to tell him the crazy thing that just happened. "Joe, Joe where are you? You won't believe this!"
Joe responded, "I'm in the pusssy willows!"
Bill Said, "DON'T HIT!!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T HIT!!!!"
I was in Isreal and I see an old man at the Wailing Wall and the guy is praying.
When he finishes I go over to him and I say to him, I say "Excuse me sir, can I ask you a few questions? How long have you been coming to this wall, and what do you pray about."
"Oy, for sixty years I'm coming to this wall two maybe sometimes three time a day! What am I praying for? I always ask the same thing, the the Jews the Christians and the Moslems can all live together in peace and harmony!"
"Wow! For sixty years? Every day! How does it make you feel?"
"Like I'm talking to a f**king wall!"
A firm put a sign in the window saying "HELP WANTED. You must be a good typist and have good computer skills. Successful applicant must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time later a lovely golden retriever dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it, whined and pawed the air.
The receptionist called the office manager. He was surprised, to say the least, to see a canine applicant. However, the dog looked determined so he led him into the office.
Inside, the dog jumped up on a chair and stared at the manager expectantly.
The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you must be a able to type."
The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to quickly type a perfect business letter. He took out the page with his mouth and trotted over to the manager, gave it to him, then jumped back up on the chair wagging his tail.
The manager was stunned, but told the dog, "That was fantastic, but I'm sorry. The sign clearly says that whomever I hire must have computer skills."
The dog jumped down again, went to the computer and proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs. He produced a sample Excel spreadsheet, a sample Power Point presentation, retouched a picture with Photo Shop, and then printed all of them for the manager.
The manager was dumbfounded. He said to the dog, "Listen, I realize that you are a very intelligent applicant and have fantastic talent, but you're a dog!
There's no way I can hire you!"
The dog jumped down and went to the sign i n the window and pointed his paw at the words, "Equal Opportunity Employer."
The exasperated manager said, "Yes, I know what the sign says. But the sign also says you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked him straight in the
eye....................................... and said,
'
'
'
'
'
'
"Meow."
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a doctor."
So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.
He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart."
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.
Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart
The Italian Golfer…
An 80-year-old Italian goes to the
doctor for a check-up. The doctor is
amazed at what good shape the guy
is in and asks, "How do you stay in
such great physical condition?“
I’m Italian and I am a golfer,” says
the old guy, “and that’s why I’m in
such good shape. I’m up well before
daylight and out golfing up and down
the fairways. I have a glass of vino,
and all is well.”
“Well,” says the doctor, “I’m sure that
helps, but there’s got to be more to it.
How old was your Dad when he died?”
"Who said my Dad’s dead?"
The doctor is amazed. “You mean you’re
80 years old and your Dad’s still alive.
How old is he?”
“He’s 100 years old,” says the old Italian
golfer. “In fact he golfed with me this
morning, and then we went to the topless
beach for a walk and had a little vino and that’s why he’s still alive.
He’s Italian and he’s a golfer, too.”
“Well,” the doctor says, “that’s great, but
I’m su re the re’s more to it than that. How
about your Dad’s Dad? How old was he
when he died?”
"Who said my grandpa’s dead?"
Stunned, the doctor asks, “You mean you’re
80 years old and your grandfather’s still
living! Incredible, how old is he?”
“He’s 118 years old,” says the old Italian golfer.
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point,
“So, I guess he went golfing with you this
morning too?”
"No. Grandpa couldn’t go this morning
because he’s getting married today."
At this point the doctor is close to losing it.
“Getting married!! Why would a 118 year-
old guy want to get married?”
“Who said he wanted to?”
This is one of the funniest videos I’ve seen in a long time.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BQLt1jUHQc8The Big Bad Wolf
One day a first grade teacher was reading the story
of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the
part of the story where the first pig was trying to
accumulate the building materials for his home.
She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with the
wheelbarrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but
may I have some of that straw to build my house?'"
The teacher paused then asked the class,
"And what do you think that man said?"
One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said
'Holy Shit! A talking pig!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
The Olympics in Beijing reminded me of this one:
It’s called, Ed Zachary Desease
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist.
Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex therapist Dr. Chang.
So she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room Dr. Chang said 'OK take off all your crose. 'The woman did as she was told. 'Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room. ’
Again the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said ‘OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me.’ So she did.
Dr.Chang shook his head slowly and said ‘Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary disease.
Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates.’ Worried the woman asked anxiously 'Oh my God Dr.Chang what is Ed Zachary Disease Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied ‘Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass.’
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