Off topic: Funny

A couple of 98 year olds appear before the judge in divorce court. As the judge listens politely they make their respective cases. <?:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

When they’ve finished the judge said, “I just have to ask; you’ve been married for 75 years, what made you chose this point I your lives, at 98 years of age, to end your marriage?”

The wife replied, “We were waiting for the children to die.”

You know you're in California when...

Your co-worker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.

You make over $250,000 and still can't afford a house.

You take a bus and are shocked at 2 people carrying on a conversation in English.

Your child's 3rd grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring and is named Breeze.
You can't remember...Is pot illegal?

You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown and can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.
You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula.

You can't remember...Is pot illegal?

A really great parking space can move you to tears.

A low speed pursuit will interrupt ANY television broadcast.

Gas costs 75 cents per gallon more than it does anywhere else in the U.S.

A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps.  You don't even notice.

Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing the baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney IS George Clooney.

Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is into BSDM, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag.

You can't remember...Is pot illegal?

It's sprinkling and there's a report on every news station about "STORM WATCH 2006."

You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy Banks himself is teaching the 4:00 pm Tae Bo class.

You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cell phones or pagers.

It's sprinkling outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all
the weather-related accidents.

Hey!!!! Is pot illegal?

You AND your dog have therapists.

And lastly, the "Terminator" is your Govenor.

Stockbroker: What is a million years like to you?

G-d: Like 1 second.

Stockbroker: What is a million dollars like to you?

G-d: Like 1 penny.

Stockbroker: Can I have a penny?

G-d: Gimme a second.....

Where does a one-legged waitress work?

IHOP.

Devoted SA… After moving to So Cal about 18 months ago, its amazing how many of those are true… It definately is different than the Northeast…

BAD DAY AT THE OFFICE

Just as a word of explanation, this eMail is supposedly from a commercial saturation diver for a firm out of Louisiana who performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Any time you think you are having a bad day at the office, remember this letter. Supposedly a true story.

-----------------------------------------

Just another note from your bottom dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office.

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit.

This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of machinery sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temp. It then pumps it down to the diver through a gardenhose which is taped to the air hose.

Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is I take the hose and stuff it down the back of my neck. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened.

The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. This is even worse than the poison ivy you once had under a cast.

Now I had that hose down my back.  I don't have any hair on my back, so the jellyfish slid straight down.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the comms. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he along with 5 other divers were laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make 3 agonizing in-water compression stops totaling 35 minutes before I could come to the surface for my chamber dry decompression.

I got to the surface wearing nothing but my brass helmet. My suit and gear were tied to the bell. When I got on board the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't use the bathroom for two days.

I later found out that this could easily have been prevented if the suction hose was placed on the leeward side of the ship.

Anyway, the next time you have a bad day at the office, think about how much worse your day would be if you were to shove a jellyfish down the back of your pants.

Y’all (Translation: You all) made my day! Great stuff, man!!!

    A man comes home from a long day at work and wants to spend some intimate time with his wife.  As he starts to put the moves on her she says “I’m not really in the mood for that right now can you just hold me?”
    Upset the man does as his wife wishes.  A few days later the two of them are out shopping.  The wife picks out three expensive outfits and can’t decide which one to get.  The man responds “get them all”     The wife is overcome with joy but now insists that she needs shoes to go with the outfits “no problem” the man answers when the wife shows him three $200 pairs of shoes. 
    Finally they go to the jewelry counter where the wife picks out some diamond earrings and a tennis bracelet to complete the outfits.  After completing their shopping the wife says “I think I have everything now we can go to the cash register”
    To which the husband responds “You know I’m not really in the mood to pay for these things right now why don’t you just hold them”

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, “Dad, why are you doing that?” His father replied, "Because when I’m buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, “Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom”

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. “Why do you do that, mommy?” he asked. “To make myself beautiful,” said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. “What’s the matter?” asked Little Johnny. “Giving up?”

THE HUSBAND STORE

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.

You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

(Personally, I would have been overjoyed to make a purchase on the first floor.)

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The third through sixth floors have never been visited

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading"- Henny Youngman

"A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers." - Cliff Claven

…That’s a classic…think I’ll surf around tonight and see if I can find some Cheers reruns…

[quote=Indyone]…That’s a classic…think I’ll surf around tonight and see if I can find some Cheers reruns…[/quote]



Perhaps you should spend time on your marketing plans instead.



200 grand in your eigth year–it is to laugh, so you don’t need Cheers.

You sad, pathetic little forum whore…go walk your dog.

BABS!  THAT WAS HILARIOUS!

I don't remember if I posted this before.  If I did, it's still funny

Choosing a wife

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.

Men are like that, you know.

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota, which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.

The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee, Lena. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the two men march down to the factory floor.

When they get there, the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The two men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.

After several minutes of hysterics, he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday. . . "

"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

Sometimes, misspelling a word can convey an entirely different meaning from what was intended. Below is an excerpt from an email circulating among teachers (my sister is a teacher):

NO PARENT LEFT BEHIND 
>
> I promise you cannot read these and not laugh out loud.  
> These are supposedly real notes written by parents in a Tennessee
> school district.  Spellings have been left intact.  True or not, they're pretty funny! 
>
>
>
> 1.  My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE
> today.  Please execute him.  
>
> 2.  Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i
> had her shot.
>
> 3.  Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on jan.  
> 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.  
>
> 4.  Please excuse gloria from jim today.  She is
> administrating.  
>
> 5.  Please excuse roland from p.e.  for a few days.  
> Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.  
>
> 6.  John has been absent because he had two teeth taken
> out of his face.
>
> 7.  Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing
> football.  He was hurt in the growing part.  
>
> 8.  Megan could not come to school today because she has
> been bothered by very close veins.  
>
> 9.  Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his
> side.  
>
> 10.  Please excuse ray friday from school.  He has very
> loose vowels.  
>
> 11.  Please excuse pedro from being absent yesterday.  He
> had diahre dyrea direathe the sh*ts.  
>
> 12.  Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday.  He
> had diarrhea, and his boots leak.  
>
> 13.   Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his
> bust.  
>
> 14.  Please excuse jimmy for being.  It was his father's
> fault.  
>
> 15.  I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas
> shopping because i don't know what size she wear.  
>
> 16.  Please excuse jennifer for missing school yesterday.  
> We forgot to get the sunday paper off the porch, and when
> we found it monday.  We thought it was sunday.  
>
> 17.  Sally won't be in school a week from friday.  We have
> to attend her funeral.  
>
> 18.  My daughter was absent yesterday because she was
> tired.  She spent a weekend with the marines.  
>
> 19.  Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday.  He
> had a cold and could not breed well.  
>
> 20.  Please excuse mary for being absent yesterday.  She
> was in bed with gramps.  
>
> 21.  Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a
> gangover.  
>
> 22.  Please excuse brenda.  She has been sick and under
> the doctor.  
>
> 23.  Maryann was absent december 11-16, because she had a
> fever, sorethroat, headache and upset stomach.  Her sister
> was also sick, fever an sore throat, her brother had a low
> grade fever and ached all over.  I wasn't the best either,
> sore throat and fever.  There must be something going
> around, her father even got hot last night.  
>
> Now we know why parents are screaming for better education
> for our kids.
>
> 
>
>
>

Although we don’t represent unlicensed candidates, my firm often gets unsolicited resumes from candidates outside the industry.

Here are a few examples of my favorite quotes from resumes and cover letters.  (Note that some details have been obfuscated to protect the guilty).

Dear Recruiter:

I am writing to explore your client search requirements for an individual with my talents.  I am seeking a key role with a progressive organization in city, state

I was in 2nd Wind Fitness buying some workout equipment and a lady walks through the door and tells the salesman "I'm looking for either a treadmill or an erectical machine."  Without blinking the salesman says "treadmills are by the wall over there, and the erectical machine I keep in a drawer in my office if you'd like to see it." 

<SPAN =fs5>TO ALL THE KIDS
WHO SURVIVED the
1930’s 40’s, 50’s, 60’s and 70’s !!

Bravo, SA; bravo!

WIT AND WISDOM
FROM THE MILITARY MANUALS AND FLIGHT RECORDS

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it.  That would make you quite unpopular in what’s left of your unit."
- Army’s magazine of preventive maintenance.
------------------------------------------------------
“Aim towards the Enemy.”
- Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
------------------------------------------------------
"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.
- U.S. Marine Corps
------------------------------------------------------
“Cluster bombing from B-52s are very, very accurate.  The bombs are guaranteed always to hit the ground.”
- USAF Ammo Troop
------------------------------------------------------
“If the enemy is in range, so are you.”
- Infantry Journal
-----------------------------------------------------
“It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.”
- U.S. Air Force Manual
------------------------------------------------------
“Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.”
- General MacArthur
-----------------------------------------------------
“Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo.”
- Infantry Journal
------------------------------------------------------
“You, you, and you … Panic.  The rest of you, come with me.”
- U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
------------------------------------------------------
“Tracers work both ways.”
- U.S. Army Ordnance
- -----------------------------------------------------
“Five second fuses only last three seconds.”
- Infantry Journal
-------------------------------------------------------
“Don’t ever be the first, don’t ever be the last, and don’t ever volunteer to do anything.”
- U.S. Navy Swabbie
------------------------------------------! -------- -
“Bravery is being the only one who knows you’re afraid.”
- David Hackworth
-------------------------------------------------------
“If your attack is going too well, you’re walking into an ambush.”
- Infantry Journal
- --------------------------------------------------------
“No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection.”
- Joe Gay
------------------------------------------------------
“Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once.”
-unknown
------------------------------------------------------
“Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.”
- Unknown Marine Recruit
-------------------------------------------------------
“Don’t draw fire; it irritates the people around you.”
-------------------------------------------------------
“If you see a bomb technician running, follow him.”
- USAF Ammo Troop
-------------------------------------------------------
“You’ve never been lost until you’ve been lost at Mach 3.”
- Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
-------------------------------------------------------
“The only time you have too much fuel is when you’re on fire.”
-------------------------------------------------------
“Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky.”
- From an old carrier sailor
------------------------------------------------------
“If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it’s probably a helicopter – and therefore, unsafe.”
-------------------------------------------------------
“When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.”
-------------------------------------------------------
“Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club.”
-------------------------------------------------------
“What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?  If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies;  If ATC screws up, … The pilot dies.”
-------------------------------------------------------
“Never trade luck for skill.”
-------------------------------------------------------
The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are:  “Why is it doing that?”, “Where are we?”  And “Oh S…!”
------------------------------------------------------
“Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.”
-------------------------------------------------------
“Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to complete the flight successfully.”
-------------------------------------------------------
“Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!”
-------------------------------------------------------
“Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag to store dead batteries.”
-------------------------------------------------------
“Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground who is incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.”
--------------------------------------------------------
“The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you.” 
- Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
--------------------------------------------------------
“A pilot who doesn’t have any fear probably isn’t flying his plane to its maximum.”
- Jon McBride, astronaut
--------------------------------------------------------
“If you’re faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible.”
- Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test pilot )
--------------------------------------------------------
“Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.”
-------------------------------------------------------
“There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.”
- Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
---------------------------------------------------------
“If something hasn’t broken on your helicopter, it’s about to.”
---------------------------------------------------------
Basic Flying Rules:
“Try to stay in the middle of the air.  Do not go near the edges of it.  The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space.  It is much more difficult to fly there.”
-------------------------------------------------------
“You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.”
------------------------------------------------------------ –
As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks, “What happened?”.
The pilot’s reply, “I don’t know, I just got here myself!”
- Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)

 The emoticon says it all. Thanks!

Can't even begin to describe this japanese game show, so you just have to watch it and see for yourself....

http://youtube.com/watch?v=LdgdBOTUSqg

1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.

2. The New York Times is read by people who think they run the country.

3. The Washington Post is read by people who think they should run the country.

4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand the Washington Post. They do, however like the smog statistics shown in pie charts.

5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could spare the time, and if they didn't have to leave L.A. to do it.

6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country.

7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country, and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.

8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country either, as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.

9. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country, or that anyone is running it; but whoever it is, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority, feministic atheist dwarfs, who also happen to be illegal aliens from ANY country or galaxy as long as they are democrats.

10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country, but need the baseball scores.