A Few Chuckles

Oct 1, 2005 11:26 pm

This posting was taken from another chatroom, so I can't take credit for it.

Ten Comments You Don't Want to Hear From Your Financial Advisor

1 Remember how I said Yahoo was 'unstoppable'? Apparently it works in both directions.”

2 No, I don't mean it's time to sell your shares of eBay, I mean it's time to sell everything you own on eBay.”

3 Please don't hang up, I'm only allowed one call.”

4 Remember, we're investing for the long run. . . 50 years from now, we'll look back and laugh.”

5 Oops, I had these charts upside down. Darnit!”

6 Sure we were diversified, we had dot-coms from all over the place.”

7 You'll still be on the golf course, you'll just be carrying another player's bag.”

8 After the margin sellout, I recommend investing your last $100 into a blanket, a shopping cart, and a case of thunderbird.”

9 Allow me to illustrate: Suppose this ceramic coffee mug represents your investment portfolio and this cast iron paperweight represents the current economic trends. . .”

10 Good news! We can cross 'retirement' off your list of financial goals. That's one less thing to worry about.”



Oct 2, 2005 3:53 am

From the Tonite Show w/ Jay Leno....

"Hey, any one got money in the stock market?"  (The fans cheers) "Look again"

Oct 2, 2005 9:52 pm

I remember, in the midst of the bear market…one advisor commented that

a client when asked to make an investment…responded, “just take your

commission and leave my account alone”



Oct 3, 2005 4:21 am

Anyone see Saturday Night Live this week?  Great Morgan Stanley spoof.

Oct 3, 2005 4:08 pm

i did not see it.  what was it about?

Oct 3, 2005 7:47 pm

Broker I knew in the 2000 crash was asked when the broker was going to make the client a millionaire.

Broker response... "You give me 2mill and 6months, and I'll make you a millionaire."

I thought it was great!!!

Oct 11, 2005 5:46 pm

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda,  says "Where in
the hell have you been?" He replies, "I  was out getting a tattoo." "A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?" "I got a hundred dollar bill on my pecker,"  he said proudly."What the  hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain.

"Why on earth would a stock broker get a  hundred  dollar bill  tattooed on
his pecker?"  "Well, one, I like to watch my money grow,  two, once  in a
while I like to  play with my money, three, I like how money feels in my
hand and lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can  stay  right here
at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

Oct 12, 2005 3:17 am

That last one is bad, but good…

Oct 18, 2005 12:31 am

We can all breathe a little easier...literally:

(from the Foxnews.com website)

Burning Manure Pile in Nebraska Finally Goes Out

MILFORD, Neb. (AP) — It took nearly four months, but to the relief of neighbors miles around, a burning manure pile has been extinguished.

David Dickinson, owner and manager of Midwest Feeding Co., said Wednesday that several weeks of pulling the 2,000-ton pile apart proved effective by late last week.

"We got far enough through it, that it quit," Dickinson said. Dickinson's feedlot, about 20 miles west of Lincoln, takes in as many as 12,000 cows at a time from farmers and ranchers and fattens them for market.

Byproducts from the massive operation resulted in a dung pile measuring 100 feet long, 30 feet high and 50 feet wide. Heat from the decomposing manure deep inside the pile is believed to have eventually ignited the manure.

The Nebraska Department of Environmental Quality told Dickinson that his smoldering dung pile violated clean-air laws and it worked with him as tried to extinguish it.

Huge feedlots have become commonplace, and dung fires have occurred around the country.

Dickinson said his pile may have been ignited in part because of grass clippings his feedlot had been accepting from the city of Milford. The clippings could be more combustible and he plans to stop accepting them, Dickinson said.

Oct 18, 2005 12:34 am

LOL…Now he should plant feed corn there…

Oct 24, 2005 5:11 am

[quote=skeedaddy2]

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda,  says "Where in
the hell have you been?" He replies, "I  was out getting a tattoo." "A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?" "I got a hundred dollar bill on my pecker,"  he said proudly."What the  hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain.

"Why on earth would a stock broker get a  hundred  dollar bill  tattooed on
his pecker?"  "Well, one, I like to watch my money grow,  two, once  in a
while I like to  play with my money, three, I like how money feels in my
hand and lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can  stay  right here
at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

[/quote]

PRICELESS.............

Nov 14, 2005 3:16 pm

A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.<?:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

After months of careful research, MALE &FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender."


MALE PROCEDURE: 1. Drive up to the cash machine. 2. Put down your car window. 3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw. 5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt. 6. Put window up. 7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

3. Set parking brake, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN.

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of check book.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Redial person on cell phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release Parking Brake

Nov 14, 2005 3:47 pm

Yup, sounds about right… Cant live with em… but I’d probably kill myself if a couple werent around…

Nov 15, 2005 1:02 am

Why is it I see so many women at ATMs reaching through partially open car doors rather than windows???

Nov 18, 2005 3:34 pm

Having reached the age of 65, I went to apply for
Social Security last week. After waiting in line for a
very long time, I finally got to the counter.

The woman there asked me for my driver’s license to
verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized, to
my great dismay, that I had left my wallet on the
nightstand in my bedroom I told the lady that I was
very sorry, but I seemed to have left my wallet at
home. “I’ll have to go get it and come back later,” I
said.

At that point, she said to me, “Unbutton your shirt.” I
was confused, but I opened my shirt, revealing lots of
curly silver hair. She said, “That silver hair on your
chest is proof enough for me,” and, with that, she
promptly processed my application.

When I got home, I couldn’t wait to tell my wife about
my experience at the Social Security Office. She
listened to the whole story and then said, “You should
have dropped your pants . . … you might have gotten
disability, too.”<?:namespace prefix = o ns = “urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office” /><o:p></o:p>

Nov 18, 2005 3:50 pm

A elderly, hard of hearing man and his wife go to the doctor, to see about the old man's health. The doctor tells him he'll need to run a few tests first.<?:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

"I'll need a urine sample, a stool sample and a semen sample", says the Doc.

"Eh?" say the old man.

The doctor, trying to be understood by the hard of hearing man, says again, louder, and leaning forward, "I'll need a urine sample, a stool sample and a semen sample".

“What?”, says the old man.

Again, understanding the old man’s hearing problem, the Doc, almost yelling, and leaning closer still, says "I'll need a urine sample, a stool sample and a semen sample".

“Speak up, sonny!” says the old man.

The wife, having had enough, leans over to her husband and says “He wants your underwear”.

Nov 18, 2005 4:29 pm

Nov 18, 2005 10:42 pm

Why is it I see so many women at ATMs reaching through partially open car doors rather than windows??????

Their arms are shorter?

Nov 21, 2005 3:57 pm

[quote=babbling looney]

Why is it I see so many women at ATMs reaching through partially open car doors rather than windows??????

Their arms are shorter?

[/quote]

Makes sense, or rather it would make sense if the reach through a partially open door was shorter than one through an open car window. It never seems to be. 

Nov 21, 2005 5:28 pm

Well, there is also a matter of physics and physiology.  Most women have an impedement on our chests that make it hard to reach over the edge of the window and our torsos are shorter.  I dare you to try to reach over the edge of a car window in a D cup bra… and more importantly please take a picture of  you doing it and post on this site so we can all have a good laugh 

Nov 21, 2005 9:14 pm

[quote=babbling looney]Well, there is also a matter of physics and physiology.  Most women have an impedement on our chests that make it hard to reach over the edge of the window and our torsos are shorter.  I dare you to try to reach over the edge of a car window in a D cup bra..... and more importantly please take a picture of  you doing it and post on this site so we can all have a good laugh  [/quote]

Well, that does make a great deal of sense. But, instead of me doing it in a D cup bra, how about one of you? 

Nov 29, 2005 9:20 pm

Math lesson in 1955:

"A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. If his cost of production is

4/5, what profit did he make?"



Math lesson in 2005:

“Si un hachero vende una carretada de madera para $100. Cual es la

ganancia si el costo de la producción es 80%?”



Nov 30, 2005 1:28 pm

That is funny.

Dec 1, 2005 12:54 am

skeedaddy:Math lesson in 1955:
"A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. If his cost of production is 4/5, what profit did he make?"

Math lesson in 2005:
"Si un hachero vende una carretada de madera para $100. Cual es la
ganancia si el costo de la producción es 80%?"

 

-----------------------------------

Math lesson in 2055:

"Translate the above to Mandarin Chinese"

-----------------------------------

Math lesson in 2105:

"Translate the above to Clingon" ([sp?] - from Star Trek)

Dec 23, 2005 2:36 pm

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he remembers

that it’s his daughter’s birthday. He pulls over to a toy store and asks the

salesperson,



"How much is the Barbie on the display window?"



The salesperson answers, "Which one? We have:



Work out Barbie for $19.95



Shopping Barbie for $19.95



Beach Barbie for $19.95



Disco Barbie for $19.95



Divorced Barbie for $265.95



The amazed father asks: "What?



Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"



The salesperson annoyingly answers: "Sir…, "Divorced Barbie comes with:



           Ken’s Car,

           Ken’s House,

           Ken’s Boat,

           Ken’s Furniture,

           Ken’s Computer and…

           One of Ken’s Friends

Dec 23, 2005 4:03 pm

Dec 31, 2005 1:52 am

"Hmmmm, What Was the Dorm Project Again?"

"PHILADELPHIA (AP) — When college freshman Janet Lee packed her bags for a Christmas trip home two years ago, her luggage contained three condoms filled with flour — a stress-relief contraption that she and some friends made as part of a dorm project." (emphasis added)

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,180144,00.html (scroll down)

A stress-relief contraption part of a dorm project? HA,HA,HA...And there were three of them? HA,HA,HA... Wow, she's got a problem. I bet her boyfriend feels inadequate!!!

Jan 2, 2006 12:48 am

This has to be one of the funniest websites out there. I'm sure you've all seen "motivational" posters stuck on someone's wall (maybe even yours). Well, if you have a "slightly" twisted sense of humor, you'll appreciate this website. These are called "de"-motivational posters:

http://www.despair.com/viewall.html

Jan 2, 2006 9:14 pm

I forgot to add, in the previous post, to scroll down when you click on the website.

Jan 23, 2006 8:00 pm

Subject: Bush outsourced<?:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

New President

Congress today announced that the office of President of the <?:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />United  States of America will be outsourced to India as of December 30th, 2005.   The move is being made to save the President's $400,000 yearly  salary, and also a record $521 billion in deficit expenditures and   related overhead the office has incurred during the last 5 years.

"We believe this is a wise move financially. The cost savings should   be significant," stated Congressman Thomas Reynolds (R-WA). Reynolds, with the aid of the Government Accounting Office, has studied outsourcing of American jobs extensively. "We cannot expect   to remain competitive on the world stage with the current level of cash outlay" ,  Reynolds noted.

Mr. Bush was informed by email this morning of his termination. Preparations for the job move have been underway for sometime.   Gurvinder Singh of Indus Teleservices, Mumbai, India will be assuming the Office of President as of December 30th.

Mr. Singh was born in the United States while his Indian parents  were vacationing at Niagara Falls, thus making him eligible for the position.   He will receive a salary of $320 (US) a month but with no health  coverage or other benefits.   It is believed that Mr. Singh will be able to handle his Job responsibilities without a support staff. Due to the time difference  between the US and India, he will be working primarily at night, when few offices of the US Government will be open.

"Working nights will allow me to keep my day job at the American Express call center" stated Mr. Singh in an exclusive interview. "I am excited about this position. I always hoped I would be President   someday."

A Congressional Spokesperson noted that while Mr. Singh may not be fully aware of all the issues involved in the office of the President, this should not be a problem because Mr. Bush was not familiar with the issues either. Mr. Singh will rely upon a script tree that will enable him to respond effectively to most topics of  concern. Using these canned responses, he can address common concerns without having to understand the underlying issues at all. "We know these scripting tools work," stated the spokesperson.   "President Bush has used them successfully for  years." Mr. Singh may have problems with the Texas drawl, but lately Bush has abandoned the "down home" persona in his effort to appear intelligent and on top of the situation.

Bush will receive health coverage, expenses, and salary until his final day of employment. Following a two week waiting period, he will be eligible for $240 a week unemployment for 13 weeks.   Unfortunately he will not be eligible for Medicaid, as his unemployment benefits will exceed the allowed limit.

Mr. Bush has been provided the outplacement services of Manpower, Inc. , to help him write a resume and prepare for his upcoming job transition.   According to Manpower, Mr. B ush may have difficulties in securing a new position due to limited practical work experience. A Greeter position at Wal-Mart was suggested due to Bush's extensive experience shaking hands and phony smile.   Another possibility is Bush's re-enlistment in the Texas Air National Guard. His prior records are conspicuously vague but should he choose this option, he would likely be stationed in Waco, TX for a month, before being sent to Iraq, a country he has visited.

"I've been there, I know all about Iraq," stated Mr. Bush, who gained invaluable knowledge of the country in a visit to the Baghdad Airport's terminal and gift shop.   Sources in Baghdad and Falluja say Mr. Bush would receive a warm reception from local Iraqis. They have asked to be provided with details of his arrival so that they might arrange an appropriate welcome.

 

Jan 23, 2006 8:34 pm

[quote=skeedaddy2]

Bush will receive health coverage, expenses, and salary until his final day of employment. Following a two week waiting period, he will be eligible for $240 a week unemployment for 13 weeks.   [/quote]

With unemployment under 5%, getting a job will be easy. Good thing he brought the economy out of the dumps Clinton left it in with his tax cuts  ;)

Jan 23, 2006 11:37 pm

Oh sh*t we have a bush lover on our hands.  I don't suppose you believe the world is only 8,000 years old too???

(I'm probably gonna get bashed for this one)

Jan 23, 2006 11:45 pm

This thread is reserved for those of us with a sense of humor. Leave your

partisan views at the door. Thank you!

Jan 23, 2006 11:58 pm

Skee, good to hear from ya.  Great post.  I just had to bring the thread back in balance .  Some people just have to relax a little when their idol is getting hammered. (sorry mikeb, just havin' a little fun )

Jan 24, 2006 1:31 am

[quote=dude]

Oh sh*t we have a bush lover on our hands.  I don't suppose you believe the world is only 8,000 years old too???

(I'm probably gonna get bashed for this one)

[/quote]

Gee, that would be a as dumb as assuming everyone who agrees with Bush believes that, wouldn't it? 

Jan 24, 2006 2:30 am

When someone asks me what I think a firm (example: Merrill Lynch) I say "It would be unethical of me to speak bad about the crooks at Merril"

When they ask about a specific broker, I say "Wow... He still has his license?"

Life's Short & Tough.... kinda like a Bodybuilding Midget.

I'm kidding, by the way, so don't get all bent out of shape.

Jan 24, 2006 2:35 am

[quote=mikebutler222][quote=dude]

Oh sh*t we have a bush lover on our hands.  I don't suppose you believe the world is only 8,000 years old too???

(I'm probably gonna get bashed for this one)

[/quote]

Gee, that would be a as dumb as assuming everyone who agrees with Bush believes that, wouldn't it? 

[/quote]

I gotta go with JobHopper on this one.

Jan 24, 2006 4:34 am

[quote=doberman]

This has to be one of the funniest websites out there. I'm sure you've all seen "motivational" posters stuck on someone's wall (maybe even yours). Well, if you have a "slightly" twisted sense of humor, you'll appreciate this website. These are called "de"-motivational posters:

http://www.despair.com/viewall.html

[/quote]

Holy sh*te those are funny.  I bookmarked the website and will probably order one or two to mix in with the serious stuff just for a chuckle or two.

Jan 30, 2006 5:05 pm

Do you have feelings of inadequacy? Do you suffer from shyness? Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor your pharmacist about Tequila.

Tequila is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Tequila can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Tequila almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, (well shyness anyway) and you will discover many talents you never knew you had.

Stop hiding and start living, with Tequila.

Tequila may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Tequila. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

Tequila. Leave Shyness Behind.!!

>

Jan 30, 2006 5:34 pm

[quote=Dirk Diggler][quote=mikebutler222][quote=dude]

Oh sh*t we have a bush lover on our hands.  I don't suppose you believe the world is only 8,000 years old too???

(I'm probably gonna get bashed for this one)

[/quote]

Gee, that would be a as dumb as assuming everyone who agrees with Bush believes that, wouldn't it? 

[/quote]

I gotta go with JobHopper on this one.

[/quote]

Yeah,  I want to entrust the fate of my country to the guy who believe's LITERALLY all that wacky sh*t in the book of REVELATION  and is waiting patiently to be God's tool (with his hand on the NUKE button) to bring in Armageddon .  For anyone educated on the issue the end times are supposed to be initiated by massive conflict in the middle east (hmmmmmmm) and fundamentalist christians live for this crap.  Also, I want a president who doesn't believe that our world is more than 8000 years old; it's a great sign of intelligence and the ability to comprehend.  In my book he's just as wacky as the fundalmentalist Islamists.  Great guy to lead the world's most powerful country . 

Jan 30, 2006 5:38 pm

I should clarify that I don’t have issues with any religion, just those individuals that take something great (teaching of the worlds religious “icons”) and turn it into a fundamentalist, literal and narrow minded dogma and base the fate of millions (if not billions) of peoples lives on it. 

Jan 30, 2006 5:51 pm

[quote=babbling looney]Do you have feelings of inadequacy? Do you suffer from shyness? Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor your pharmacist about Tequila.

Tequila is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Tequila can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Tequila almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, (well shyness anyway) and you will discover many talents you never knew you had.

Stop hiding and start living, with Tequila.

Tequila may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Tequila. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

Tequila. Leave Shyness Behind!!![/quote]

That deserved a re-print, Babaloo.  You speak as someone who has enjoyed the benefits of an occasional dose of Tequila .

Along with the above-published benefits, there is anecdotal evidence that tequila can turn you bed into an all-night merry-go-round an make otherwise unnattractive members of the opposite sex suddenly appear like the man/woman of your dreams .

I think Willy Nelson once said it best...

"Last night I went to bed at two with a ten and woke up at ten with a two."

"I never went to bed with an ugly woman, but I've sure woke up with a few."

Jan 30, 2006 5:53 pm

[quote=babbling looney] Stop hiding and start living, with Tequila. [/quote]

 That's a good one. BTW, my favorite is Don Julio-Anejo.

Jan 30, 2006 6:00 pm

[quote=dude][quote=Dirk Diggler][quote=mikebutler222][quote=dude]

Oh sh*t we have a bush lover on our hands.  I don't suppose you believe the world is only 8,000 years old too???

(I'm probably gonna get bashed for this one)

[/quote]

Gee, that would be a as dumb as assuming everyone who agrees with Bush believes that, wouldn't it? 

[/quote]

I gotta go with JobHopper on this one.

[/quote]

Yeah,  I want to entrust the fate of my country to the guy who believe's LITERALLY all that wacky sh*t in the book of REVELATION  and is waiting patiently to be God's tool (with his hand on the NUKE button) to bring in Armageddon .  For anyone educated on the issue the end times are supposed to be initiated by massive conflict in the middle east (hmmmmmmm) and fundamentalist christians live for this crap.  Also, I want a president who doesn't believe that our world is more than 8000 years old; it's a great sign of intelligence and the ability to comprehend.  In my book he's just as wacky as the fundalmentalist Islamists.  Great guy to lead the world's most powerful country . 

[/quote]

And you have proof that President Bush believes that the world is only 8000 years old and that he literally believes the "end days" are here.....how?  As they say in the on line games I play.....Show screenshots or it never happened.  On in not on line games...put up or shut up.

I guess you would rather lend credence to the Aitolas in Iran who believe this crap about an Imam in a well who is going to end the world. The same people who also are about to control nuclear weapons and have made no secret that they want to wipe us from the face of the earth.  

We had arrived at Jamkaran, a holy shrine outside the Iranian city of Qom and site of a water well where the 12th and last imam of Shia Islam, the Mahdi, is said to have disappeared a little over a thousand years ago. Many Iranians believe that the so-called hidden imam, or "imam zaman" (lord of all the ages), will at any moment choose this place to make his return to solve the world's problems. ..... thousands of pilgrims who flock to the shrine every week.

This knee jerk reflexive hating of Bush and stereotyping all people who even mildly agree with some of his policies as fundamentalist wackos is hindering our ability to function as a nation and is ultimately and perhaps mercifully going to end the Democratic party.

Jan 30, 2006 6:08 pm

[quote=dude]  In my book he's just as wacky as the fundalmentalist Islamists.   [/quote]

I guess that's what knee-jerk Bush-hatred will do to an otherwise rational person  

Jan 30, 2006 6:27 pm

I wish we had a seperate political forum…y’all are ruining a fun thread…

Jan 30, 2006 6:35 pm

Yes, please don’t ruin it for everyone else.  Lets just keep it to jokes. C’mon folks.

Jan 30, 2006 7:07 pm

[quote=dude][quote=Dirk Diggler][quote=mikebutler222][quote=dude]

Oh sh*t we have a bush lover on our hands.  I don't suppose you believe the world is only 8,000 years old too???

(I'm probably gonna get bashed for this one)

[/quote]

Gee, that would be a as dumb as assuming everyone who agrees with Bush believes that, wouldn't it? 

[/quote]

I gotta go with JobHopper on this one.

[/quote]

Yeah,  I want to entrust the fate of my country to the guy who believe's LITERALLY all that wacky sh*t in the book of REVELATION  and is waiting patiently to be God's tool (with his hand on the NUKE button) to bring in Armageddon .  For anyone educated on the issue the end times are supposed to be initiated by massive conflict in the middle east (hmmmmmmm) and fundamentalist christians live for this crap.  Also, I want a president who doesn't believe that our world is more than 8000 years old; it's a great sign of intelligence and the ability to comprehend.  In my book he's just as wacky as the fundalmentalist Islamists.  Great guy to lead the world's most powerful country . 

[/quote]

heeheuuhehee....Hey Beavis....he said "tool".....

Jan 30, 2006 7:11 pm

If you are bored and want a few laughs this site has some really funny clips

http://www.devilducky.com/

A real oldie but goodie http://www.devilducky.com/media/40964/   Warning !!!some of the clips are sure to offend anyone and everyone and will absolutley waste your time.
Jan 30, 2006 7:23 pm

[quote=skeedaddy2]Yes, please don't ruin it for everyone else.  Lets just keep it to jokes. C'mon folks. [/quote]

Well...when it comes to protecting our country and running the economy well, the Democrats are a joke!  I mean really, could you imagine Al Gore being president on 9/11?  Terrifying to imagine.

Then again.....he did invent the internet for us!

Jan 30, 2006 8:22 pm

[quote=joedabrkr][quote=dude][quote=Dirk Diggler][quote=mikebutler222][quote=dude]

Oh sh*t we have a bush lover on our hands.  I don't suppose you believe the world is only 8,000 years old too???

(I'm probably gonna get bashed for this one)

[/quote]

Gee, that would be a as dumb as assuming everyone who agrees with Bush believes that, wouldn't it? 

[/quote]

I gotta go with JobHopper on this one.

[/quote]

Yeah,  I want to entrust the fate of my country to the guy who believe's LITERALLY all that wacky sh*t in the book of REVELATION  and is waiting patiently to be God's tool (with his hand on the NUKE button) to bring in Armageddon .  For anyone educated on the issue the end times are supposed to be initiated by massive conflict in the middle east (hmmmmmmm) and fundamentalist christians live for this crap.  Also, I want a president who doesn't believe that our world is more than 8000 years old; it's a great sign of intelligence and the ability to comprehend.  In my book he's just as wacky as the fundalmentalist Islamists.  Great guy to lead the world's most powerful country . 

[/quote]

heeheuuhehee....Hey Beavis....he said "tool".....

[/quote]

And Joe turns us back to humor  

Jan 30, 2006 10:56 pm

[quote=joedabrkr]

[quote=skeedaddy2]Yes, please don't ruin it for everyone else.  Lets just keep it to jokes. C'mon folks. [/quote]

Well...when it comes to protecting our country and running the economy well, the Democrats are a joke!  I mean really, could you imagine Al Gore being president on 9/11?  Terrifying to imagine.

Then again.....he did invent the internet for us!

[/quote]

Not that I cared for Al Gore or John Kerry (I didn't and I'm definitely not a democrat) but protect our country? c'mon starting a war in Iraq had nothing to do with protecting our country.  When you have such a huge military and so much invested in the "military industrial complex" (to use the words of Eisenhower*a republican*, who BTW warned  of the consequences of our country building up a dominant military culture and econonomy)  it begins to seem like it's the only solution to a problem is to "fight".  Unfortunately, it's my humble belief that you can't win the kind of war we're trying to wage (which I think makes Vietnam look like a cakewalk). 

As far as keeping the focus of this thread focused on jokes, well it's my contention that Bush is the funniest f*ckin' joke there is.  Everytime I see him on TV I laugh my a*s off.

As far as my knowledge of his beliefs try this link:

http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/shows/jesus/presiden t/spirituality.html

This is done by frontline and note the following quote:

The advantage of that is it gives someone like George Bush an absolute sense that there are absolutes in the world -- that the world is divided between good and evil; that the Bible is the absolute inerrant truth; that it is the word of God. …

I'm not going to proclaim that I know 100% that he believes in the literal timeline presented by the Bible.  I will say that it would be extremely odd for a fundamentalist Christian to believe that their Bible (and WORD of GOD) is not accurate, since it would fracture the foundation upon which their faith is based.

Anyway my 2 cents......

Jan 30, 2006 11:27 pm

[quote=dude]...I'm not going to proclaim that I know 100% that he believes in the literal timeline presented by the Bible. [/quote]

IOW, got nothing. Now, back to jokes, you big lug 

Jan 30, 2006 11:32 pm

[quote=dude]

I'm not going to proclaim that I know 100% that he believes in the literal timeline presented by the Bible.  I will say that it would be extremely odd for a fundamentalist Christian to believe that their Bible (and WORD of GOD) is not accurate, since it would fracture the foundation upon which their faith is based.

[/quote]

uh oh, my error. The above WAS A JOKE, because Dude was talking about JIMMY CARTER, right? 

Jan 30, 2006 11:48 pm

3 Rules of getting older.



Never pass a bathroom,

never waste a hard-on, and

never trust a fart.

Jan 30, 2006 11:50 pm

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons.



I do physical labor.

I work at great depths.

I plunge head first into everything I do.

I do not get weekends or public holidays off.

I work in a damp environment.

I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.

I work in high temperatures.

My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Jan 30, 2006 11:54 pm

[quote=skeedaddy]I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons.

I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge head first into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.[/quote]

Mine just wants a job.

Jan 31, 2006 12:01 am

Ahhhh! The truth comes out!

Jan 31, 2006 12:19 am

[quote=mikebutler222]

[quote=dude]...I'm not going to proclaim that I know 100% that he believes in the literal timeline presented by the Bible. [/quote]

IOW, got nothing. Now, back to jokes, you big lug 

[/quote]

Agreed, talking too much about George Bush can be hazardous for your health...... and intellect.

Jan 31, 2006 12:21 am

hey its the

Dude

Dude-ster

Dudemeister



What’s up homey?

Jan 31, 2006 4:32 pm

[quote=dude][quote=mikebutler222]

[quote=dude]...I'm not going to proclaim that I know 100% that he believes in the literal timeline presented by the Bible. [/quote]

IOW, got nothing. Now, back to jokes, you big lug 

[/quote]

Agreed, talking too much about George Bush can be hazardous for your health...... and intellect.

[/quote]

A very good point. After all, look how ridiculous most Democrats look these days after 5 years of ranting about Bush.  You’d think at some point it isn’t wise to keep calling a guy who’s made a habit of beating the tar out of you, “stoooopid”.    <?:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

Jan 31, 2006 5:01 pm

Yeah well Democrats suck too.  Bush is just an easier target IMO.

Elephants and Asses are conning the masses.........

Jan 31, 2006 6:15 pm

[quote=SonnyClips]Could you call W's time in office the Deuterocanonical Bush Presidency? [/quote]

You can call it anything you want. I'm just thrilled we don't call it the Gore or Kerry presidency 

Jan 31, 2006 6:17 pm

[quote=dude]

Yeah well Democrats suck too.  Bush is just an easier target IMO.

[/quote]

If you think he's an easier target you haven't been watching the unhinged left close enough 

Jan 31, 2006 7:52 pm

Sounds good mikeb

Jan 31, 2006 8:42 pm

[quote=dude]

Sounds good mikeb

[/quote]

woof, baby  

Feb 1, 2006 12:22 am

Another Tequila Joke

Christmas Cookes

<?:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /> 

1 cup water

1 tsp baking soda

1 cup sugar

1 tsp salt

1 cup brown sugar

Lemon juce

4 large eggs

1 cup nuts

2 cups dried fruit

1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequilla

Sample the Cuervo to check for quality. Take a large bowl and check the Cuervo again. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.

Add one teaspoon fo sugar.  Beat again. At this point is is best to make sue the cuervo is still ok.  Try another cup just in case.

Turn of the mexerer thinggy.  Break 2 leggs and add to the owl and chuck in the cup of driend fruit and pick the frigging fruit off the floor. Mix on the turner.  If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver.  Sample the Cuevro to tonsisticity.

Niext sift two cutps of salt, or something. Who giveshz a sheet. Check the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table, a sppon of sugar.  Whatever you can find.  Greash the overn.

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.  Don’t forget to beat of the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window.  Finish the Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.

Cherry Mistmas!

Note: Scotch will work just as well as Tequila in this recipe   I have tested it.

Feb 13, 2006 12:29 am

Washington, DC (APE) - Cheney spokeswoman Lea Anne McBride admitted

to reporters that yesterday, while on a hunting trip with friends, Vice

President Dick Cheney accidentally shot a lawyer out of season. The

group was quail hunting at the time, and the lawyer, Harry Whittington,

78, was an old Cheney friend and member of the hunting party. A

Hospital physician stated that Whittington was just slightly stunned by the

accident and the injuries were very much superficial.



The accident comes on the heels of the American Bar Association’s this

week pronouncing that the organization is officially against the White

House’s illegal domestic wiretapping program. Witnesses say The accident

comes on the heels of the American Bar Association’s this week

pronouncing that the organization is officially against the White House’s

illegal domestic wiretapping program. Witnesses say that there may have

been some words exchange between Cheney and Whittington earlier in

the day over this very topic.



“There is just no way that anyone can construe this other than as an

accidental shooting,” stated spokeswoman McBride, "but that being said,

both the president and vice president have stated openly and repeatedly

that they have within their power the right to do anything, in order to

preserve the safety and security of our country."



Game wardens on hand immediately checked the vice president’s current

hunting license and gun registration which seem to be in order. They did

however point out that as of yesterday’s date and time lawyers are strictly

out of season and that in Texas there is no overlap between quail season

and lawyer season. Authorities stated that they would further investigate

any impropriety.



Whittington was fortunate in that an ambulance is always on hand with a

full medical team in support of the vice president’s fragile health. As a

result he was rapidly cared for and transported to a local hospital. Game

wardens, however, pointed out that it is illegal to hunt lawyers, even

when in season, with ambulances as decoys.



Spokeswoman McBride stated that the vice president was very relieved

that Whittington was okay and at this point would not alter any of his

scheduled activities for tonight and tomorrow. The vice president is due

in Austin, Texas to meet with the local NRA chapter and receive a lifetime

safe hunters award tomorrow morning.





y that there may have been some words exchange between Cheney and

Whittington earlier in the day over this very topic.



“There is just no way that anyone can construe this other than as an

aental shooting,” stated spokeswoman McBride, "but that being said, both

the president and vice president have stated openly and repeatedly that

they have within their power the right to do anything, in order to preserve

the safety and security of our country."



Game wardens on hand immediately checked the vice president’s current

hunting license and gun registration which seem to be in order. They did

however point out that as of yesterday’s date and time lawyers are strictly

out of season and that in Texas there is no overlap between quail season

and lawyer season. Authorities stated that they would further investigate

any impropriety.



Whittington was fortunate in that an ambulance is always on hand with a

full medical team in support of the vice president’s fragile health. As a

result he was rapidly cared for and transported to a local hospital. Game

wardens, however, pointed out that it is illegal to hunt lawyers, even

when in season, with ambulances as decoys.



Spokeswoman McBride stated that the vice president was very relieved

that Whittington was okay and at this point would not alter any of his

scheduled activities for tonight and tomorrow. The vice president is due

in Austin, Texas to meet with the local NRA chapter and receive a lifetime

safe hunters award tomorrow morning.



Feb 13, 2006 6:46 am

[quote=babbling looney]

Another Tequila Joke

Christmas Cookes

<?:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /> 

1 cup water

1 tsp baking soda

1 cup sugar

1 tsp salt

1 cup brown sugar

Lemon juce

4 large eggs

1 cup nuts

2 cups dried fruit

1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequilla

Sample the Cuervo to check for quality. Take a large bowl and check the Cuervo again. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.

Add one teaspoon fo sugar.  Beat again. At this point is is best to make sue the cuervo is still ok.  Try another cup just in case.

Turn of the mexerer thinggy.  Break 2 leggs and add to the owl and chuck in the cup of driend fruit and pick the frigging fruit off the floor. Mix on the turner.  If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver.  Sample the Cuevro to tonsisticity.

Niext sift two cutps of salt, or something. Who giveshz a sheet. Check the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table, a sppon of sugar.  Whatever you can find.  Greash the overn.

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.  Don’t forget to beat of the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window.  Finish the Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.

Cherry Mistmas!

Note: Scotch will work just as well as Tequila in this recipe   I have tested it.

[/quote]

Feb 16, 2006 11:19 pm

The adminstrators may pull this joke.  They didn't like the one about the lady at the hardware store and the teapot.  So read fast.

An old cowboy sat down at the Star bucks and ordered a cup of coffee.As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows,going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves,bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women.

As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women." The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."

Feb 17, 2006 12:37 am

Good one, Babs!

Mar 10, 2006 2:36 pm

In honor of the Soprano’s return to TV, I offer this joke.



A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has taken him for ten

million bucks.



This bookkeeper is deaf, and it was considered an occupational benefit

why he got the job in the first place, since it was assumed that a

deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything and never have to

testify in court.



When the Godfather goes to shakedown the bookkeeper about his

missing $10 million bucks, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign

language.



The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: “Where is the $10 million bucks you

embezzled from me?” The attorney, using sign language, asks the

bookkeeper where the money is hidden. The bookkeeper signs back: "I

don’t know what you are talking about."



The attorney tells the Godfather: “He says he doesn’t know what you’re

talking about.” That’s when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it

to the bookkeeper’s temple, cocks it, and says: Ask him again!"



The attorney signs to the underling: “He’ll kill you for sure if you don’t tell

him!” The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown

briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo’s backyard in

Queens!"



The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what’d he say?"

The attorney replies: "He says you don’t have the balls to pull the trigger."



Don’t you just love lawyers ?

Mar 13, 2006 9:30 pm

Life is all about ass;



you’re either covering it,

laughing it off,

kicking it,

kissing it,

busting it,

trying to get some of it,

or behaving like one.

Mar 17, 2006 2:07 pm
Turn signals will give away your next move. A confident New

Jersey driver avoids using them.



2. Under no circumstance should you maintain a safe distance

between you and the car in front of you, because the space will be

filled in by someone else, putting you in an even more dangerous

situation.



3. The faster you drive through a red light, the less chance you

have of getting hit.



4. WARNING! Never come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one

expects it and it will result in your being rear-ended.



5. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive

bodywork, especially with PA, NY or Del plates. With no insurance,

the other operator probably has nothing to lose.



6. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that

your ABS kicks in, giving a vigorous foot massage as the brake pedal

violently pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it’s a chance to

strengthen your leg muscles.



7. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It’s a

good way to prepare other drivers entering the highway.



8. Speed limits are arbitrary figures; given only as a suggestion

and are not enforceable in New Jersey during rush hour.



9. Just because you’re in the left lane and have no room to speed

up or move over doesn’t mean that a New York driver flashing his

high beams behind you can go faster in your spot.



10. Always brake and rubberneck when you see an accident or even

someone changing a tire. This is seen as a sign of respect for the

victim.



11. Learn to swerve abruptly without signaling. New Jersey is the

home of high-speed slalom-driving thanks to the Department of Public

Works, which puts potholes in key locations to test drivers’

reflexes and keep them alert.



12. It is the tradition in New Jersey to honk your horn at cars in

front of you that do not move three milliseconds after the light

turns green.



13. To avoid injury in the event of a collision or rollover, it is

important for you to exit your vehicle through the windshield right

away. Wearing your seat-belt will only impede your hi-velocity

escape from danger.



14. Remember that the goal of every New Jersey driver is to get

ahead of the pack by whatever means necessary.



15. In New Jersey, ‘flipping the bird’ is considered a polite

salute. This gesture should always be returned.



Thank You,

The New Jersey Registrar of Motor Vehicles
Mar 18, 2006 12:33 am

Good post, skeedaddy! I bet you used to work at the NJ DMV!

Mar 18, 2006 2:48 am

Mar 20, 2006 10:06 pm

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

"House" for instance, is feminine: "la Casa."

"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer"should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ("el computador"), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The Women Won!

Mar 27, 2006 11:27 pm

How to say ‘I love you’ in 25 languages…



English

I Love You



Spanish

Te Amo



French

Je T’aime



German

lch Liebe Dich



Japanese

Ai sh*te Imasu



Thai

Phom rak khun



Italian

Ti amo



Chinese

Wo Ai Ni



Swedish

Jag Akar



Alabama

Arkansas

Oklahoma

Texas

North Carolina

South Carolina

Georgia

Tennessee

Missouri

Mississippi

Montana

Louisiana

Virginia

West Virginia

Kentucky

parts of Florida



Nice Ass , Get in the truck

Mar 27, 2006 11:46 pm

Mar 28, 2006 12:05 am

[quote=skeedaddy] [/quote]

Was that over the top?

Mar 28, 2006 12:32 am

yep

Mar 28, 2006 12:33 am

especially since you didn’t clarify if it was nine year old girls or boys

Mar 28, 2006 12:34 am

A Born Salesman!

A young guy from Minnesota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Minnesota."

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow.

I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came to see him. "How many customers bought something from you today?

The kid says "One".

The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day.

How much was the sale for?"

The kid says, "$101,237.65".

The boss says, "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell him?"

The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOATand a TRUCK? Is that right?"

The kid answered, "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot; you should go fishing.' "

.....I want to hire this kid

Mar 28, 2006 12:36 am

Babs and Skee, hilarious jokes. Made my day! Thanks!

Mar 28, 2006 2:32 am

HEAVEN

 

 

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the
admittance policy. Under the new law, in order to get into Heaven, the
day you died had to have been a real bummer of a day. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.


The next day at

12:01am, the first person came to the gates of Heaven.
The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly said to the
man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going
when you died."

 
"No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th floor apartment on
my lunch hour and caught my wife half naked. She appeared to be having
an affair, but her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began
searching for him. My wife was yelling at me as I searched the entire
apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto
the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his
fingertips! The nerve of that guy! "

 
"Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he
fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees
and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die.

 
This ticked me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the
first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the
first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it
out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25
stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that
I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."

 
The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a
bad day. It was a crime of passion. So the Angel announced, "OK, sir.
Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.

 
A few seconds later the next guy came up. The Angel said, "Before I can
let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died."
"No problem," said the second man. "But you're not going to believe
this.  I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises.
I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to
relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and
accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by
the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy
man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my
fingers.

Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. Laying there face up on the ground, unable to move, in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his REFRIGERATOR, of all things, off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly."

The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story.
"I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very
well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the

Kingdom of Heaven," and he
lets the man enter.

 
A few seconds later, a third man comes up to the gate. The angel says,
"Please tell me how you died."

 
The third man says, "OK, picture this. I'm naked, hiding inside a
refrigerator......."

Mar 28, 2006 7:47 pm

A friend of mine who is a big fan of Lewis Carroll sent me this one a while ago:

Did you hear that Greenspan made an announcement today?

He said:


"`Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:

All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths Fifty Basis Points"

Mar 28, 2006 8:57 pm

What the F#@$?  

Apr 4, 2006 3:43 pm

Doberman, I'm glad you liked them. Sometimes I wonder if others share my sense of humor. Here's a new one:

Political Correctness

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading <?:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />America, Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES."<?:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.

Women and Political Correctness:

1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN." 

2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."

3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."

4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."

5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."

6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."

7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED"

8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."

9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."

11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."

12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."

Men and Political Correctness: 

1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."

2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."

3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."

4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."

5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."

6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL."

7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."

 

Apr 4, 2006 11:26 pm

A lawyer and a farmer were walking in a field. The farmer had on
high boots and the lawyer had on a pair of $500 shoes.

Soon the lawyer steps both feet into what looks like a cow pie. He
exclaims, "What is this?"

The farmer replies, “I’m not sure, but it looks to me like you’re
melting.”

Apr 5, 2006 12:04 am

C’mon cut it out! I’m laughing so hard, burbon is coming out of my nose and it BURNS!

Apr 9, 2006 11:19 pm

A man walks into an insurance office and asks
for a job.

“We don’t need any one,” they replied.

“You can’t afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone
anytime anything.”

"Well, we do have two prospects that no one has
been able to sell. If you can sell just one, you have a job."

He was gone for about two hours and returned and
handed them two checks, one for a $80,000 policy
and another for a $50,000 policy.

“How in the world did you do that,” they asked.

“I told you I’m the world’s best salesman, I can sell
anyone anywhere anytime.”

“Did you get a urine sample?” they asked him.

“What’s that?” he asked.

"Well, if you sell a policy over $40,000, the company
requires a urine sample. Take these two bottles
and go back and get urine samples."

He was gone for about eight hours and then he walks
in with two five gallon buckets, one in each hand.
He sets the buckets down and reaches in his shirt
pocket and produces two bottles of urine and sets
them on the desk and says, “Here’s Mr. Brown’s and
this one is Mr. Smith’s.”

“That’s good,” they said, “but what’s in those two
buckets?”

“Well, I passed by the hotel and they were
having a state teachers convention and I sold
them a group policy!”

Apr 10, 2006 4:02 pm

Dear Abby:

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He cheated on me from the beginning.

When I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job more than four years ago he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does is buy cigars, play golf, cruise around, and shoot the breeze with his pals, while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter graduated from college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I am a lesbian. What should I do?

Signed,

Clueless

Dear Clueless:

Grow up and dump him. For Pete's sake, you don't need him anymore. You're a United States Senator from New York, act like it.

Apr 10, 2006 9:24 pm

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R- K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullsh*t and Ass kissing that will put you over the top

 

Dedicated to Put Trader..... all in good fun of course

Apr 11, 2006 12:15 am

Hey Babs, that “math viewpoint” sounds like a motivational poster if I’ve ever heard one!

Apr 20, 2006 12:15 am

WARNING: NOT FUNNY, IF YOU OWN GM.

The 2005 GM health plan for retirees spent $17 million in prescription fees for Viagra! 

Gives new meaning to the term, "Dirty Old Men".

Apr 20, 2006 2:23 am

In a recent survey 40% found they didn't have time to answer the
question, 25% hung up the phone when the question was being
asked, 20%  couldn't speak English, and 15% gave answers that
weren't asked.

Apr 20, 2006 4:47 am

For those with a military background:

AP and UPI reported that the French Government announced
yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "run" to "hide."

The only two higher levels in France are "surrender" and "collaborate."

The raise was precipitated by the recent fire which destroyed one of
France's white flag factories, disabling their military.

***************************************************

There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing
because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked."

Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two,
behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.

"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine
approach."

Apr 20, 2006 11:55 pm

Heard on Paul Harvey radio show today:

England has begun removing prison toilets that face Mecca. (Seems it offends their Moslem criminals.) The toilets will be re-installed, so that the "sitter" will be facing away from Mecca, while they do their business.

A quick survey of the toilets in my house show that they all face EAST! YES!! Take that Al-Queda?!!

Apr 27, 2006 6:04 pm

What Religion is Your Bra?

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.


What type of bra?" asked the clerk.


Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?

Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable, but actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from.


Relieved, the man asked about the types.

The saleslady replied:

"There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?"

Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.

The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple...

The Catholic type supports the masses.
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and

The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?

If you have wondered but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!

(A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.

{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up !

May 5, 2006 12:23 am

Heard on Paul Harvey radio show today:

In Hungary, some men were renovating an old house. During the renovation, they found an old barrel full of rum stored in the house. So, while doing the renovation, they helped themselves to the rum; eventually emptying the barrel. When they went to dispose of the empty barrel, a pickled, human body fell out of it. The barrel of rum was 20 years old and had been shipped from Jamaica.

The workers reported that the rum had a strange flavor to it.

May 5, 2006 5:31 pm

Ok this is so corny, I'll probably get slapped down, but it still makes me smile when I hear it....

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel between his legs.

The bartender looks up and says.."uh hey buddy, what's up with the steering wheel?"

The pirate says .."Arrrrr it's drivin me nuts"

May 5, 2006 6:57 pm

Q: What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?

A: You can unscrew the lightbulb.

May 9, 2006 7:11 pm

Best and funniest impersonation of Bush I’ve ever seen.



http://www.wimp.com/bushcomedy/

May 9, 2006 7:32 pm

You’re An EXTREME Redneck When…



1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front

of her kids.



2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on

how much gas is in it.



3. You’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.



4. You think a woman who is “out of your league” bowls on a different

night.



5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.



6. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, guys, watch this."



7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.



8. Your wife’s hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.



9. Your junior prom offered day care.



10. You think the last words of the “Star-Spangled Banner” are

"Gentlemen,

start your engines."



11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its

wheels.



12. The Halloween Pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your

spouse.



13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.



14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.



15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the

House of Tattoos.



16. You can’t get married to your sweetheart because there’s a law

against

it.



17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

May 9, 2006 9:08 pm

 I just learned I'm an extreme redneck.

We have fridge on back patio...it's for easy access to the beer when swimming in the pool.

May 9, 2006 9:39 pm

Ha!!!..got you beat. 

We have one in the garage/workshop so we can have beer and drinks while working on autos and engines. Greasy car parts, headlight buckets and disassembled carburetors all over the place.

May 10, 2006 12:12 am

Hey skee, I think you'd fit right in, here in South Georgia, where my world financial headquarters is located. I'd furnish you with a vintage pick-up truck, a sharp polyester suit and I guarantee you'd make some serious money. 

And if you couldn't make it in TyTy, Georgia; hell, just hook-up the office to your pick-up and haul it down the road to the next stop.

Why, I have you know, I've parked my office in the Walmart parking lot and opened 3 accounts before!

My job application only has two questions, that can only be answered by one of our kind:

1) What is "pot liquor"?

2) What is "chitlins"?

Let me know if you're interested!

May 10, 2006 7:53 pm

LIFE…ACCORDING TO SKEEDADDY





MATHEMATICS:

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy



CORPORATE CULTURE:

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime



SHOPPING MATHS:

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need.



GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS:

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can

spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.



HAPPINESS:

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him

alittle.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to

understand her at all.

     

LONGEVITY:

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a

lot more willing to die.

     

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE:

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.



DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE:

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.



May 10, 2006 9:27 pm

LOL. So true. Keep’em coming Skee!

May 11, 2006 1:45 am

Q:  Why is your dog licking his own butt?

A:  He just bit a Jones broker and he's trying to get the taste out of his mouth.

May 11, 2006 1:49 pm

I would just like to thank everyone because that stuff was funny as hell. Made my day a little bit more enjoyable.

May 11, 2006 5:09 pm

Philo

you are hilarious

May 12, 2006 7:38 pm

3 dogs, a Doberman, a Boxer and a German Shepard are sitting in a vets office and strike up a conversation.

The Doberman turns to the Boxer and asks, what are you here for?

“I’m a pisser”, “I piss on everything”, the sofa, the cat, the kid but the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owners bed.

So, what is the vet gonna do? the Doberman asks. “Lethal injection” came the sad reply from the Boxer.

The Doberman turns to the Shepard and asked the same question.

“I’m a digger”, I dig under fences, I dig up flowers and trees. I dig for the hell of it. When inside I even dig up the carpets, but I went over the limit when I dug a hole in the middle of the owner’s couch.

So, what they gonna go to you? “Lethal injection,” replied the Dejected Shepard.

The Shepard asked the Doberman why he was there.

"I’m a humper. I’ll hump anything, I’ll hump the cat, pillows, the table, fire hydrants. Whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just gotten out of the shower and bent down to dry her toes and I couldn’t help myself and hopped on her back and started humping away.

The Boxer and Lab exchanged a sad glance and said, “So, lethal injection for you too, huh?”

No, No, the Doberman said.

“I’m here to get my nails clipped.”

May 12, 2006 7:41 pm

The teacher was asking the kids what they wanted for christmas.  She gets to Tommy.
“I was a ton of gold,” he said.  "So I can get a Corvette when I grow up, just like my daddy."
She asks Bobby what he wants for Christmas.  “I want a ton of platinum,” he said.  “So I can get a Porche when I grow up, just like my daddy.”  She finally gets to Johnny.  “I want a ton of silicone,” he says.
“Why would you want a ton of silicone,” his teacher asks.
“My mom has two bags of silicone, and you should see how many sports cars we have out front of our house.”

May 12, 2006 8:25 pm

thats pretty funny i like it

May 12, 2006 11:21 pm

May 12, 2006 11:21 pm

Three Financial Advisors were in the steam room of a local gym one afternoon. One was from Merrill Lynch, The other was and Independant and the third was from Edward Jones.

After a while, they heard a strange beeping sound. The Merrill guy tapped his wrist and said "It's my cell phone. I had a micro-chip implanted."

A little while later, another odd ringing sound was heard. The Indy tapped the back of his hand and said "It's my Instant Messenger. I had a micro-chip implanted."

The Edward Jones guy, not wanting to be outdone by all this technology got an idea and went out to the mens' room. He returned a few minutes later with a stream of toilet paper coming out of his butt- He exclaimed "Well, will you look at that- I'm getting a FAX!"

(It said something about Jones being names number one.....

May 14, 2006 7:43 pm

May 14, 2006 8:03 pm

Broker monetary incentives have just been outlawed by the SEC.  In addition, employment contracts have also been "null and voided". In their place, new incentives have been installed by B/D's, with much greater positive results. Read on:

Story taken from page 28, of May 2006 issue of Registered Rep: (Paraphrased)

Fifteen mob controlled B/D's were busted-up by Feds. Prior to the bust, to ensure brokers played along with the classic mob-inspired investment schemes, the mobsters used "enforced discipline" to deal with the uncooperative. In "one instance, a stock promoter was kidnaped and chained to a pit bull". In another, a cold-caller was hit over the head with a gold club". And one broker was stabbed after expressing his desire to leave the firm. (How's that for enforcing the noncompete clause!)

Appearing in future employment ad, for BOM position, for one of the majors:....Applicant must supply own pit bull, golf club, and butcher knife. Prefer applicants who can supply 3 character references that are currently doing time in a state pen.

May 14, 2006 9:01 pm

a cold-caller was hit over the head with a gold club".

----------------------------------

Obviously, it should read "golf" club. However, I'm sure a "gold" club would achieve the same effect!

May 15, 2006 10:26 pm

Corporate Lessons

Lesson #1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself with a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bill, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bill says, "I'll give you $800 if you drop that towel."

After thinking a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bill.  After a few seconds, Bill hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "who was that?" "It was Bill the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Corporate Lesson? If you share critical information pertaining to credit & risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

 

May 16, 2006 12:16 am

May 16, 2006 11:32 pm

Corporate Lessons

Lesson #2

A priest offered a lift to a nun. She got in crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.  The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand on her leg. The nun said, "father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand.

But changing gears, he let his hand brush against her leg again. The nun once again said, "father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized "sorry sister, but the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way.  On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Corporate Lesson? If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

May 17, 2006 12:02 am

May 17, 2006 2:42 am

CORPORATE LESSON #3

A sales representative, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, “I usually only grant three wishes, so I’ll give each of you just one.”

”Me first! Me first!” says the admin clerk.

”I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.”

Poof!  She’s gone.

In astonishment, “Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep.

“I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas, and the love of my life.”

Poof!  He’s gone.

“OK, you’re up,” the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”

Moral of the story:

Always let your boss have the first say.

 

May 17, 2006 9:12 pm

 menotellname..you got that one too?

Corporate Lesson #4

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him, "can I also sit like you and do nothing all day?" The crow answered, "sure why not?" So the rabbit sat down on the ground below the crow, and rested.

A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Corporate Lesson? To be sitting around doing nothing all day, you must be sitting higher up.

May 17, 2006 11:53 pm

These corporate lessons are a hoot! Thanks!!

May 18, 2006 2:46 am

 Glad I could make someone smile today!

May 19, 2006 4:46 pm

Corporate Lesson #5

A turkey was sitting one day chatting with a bull. "I wish I could get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well why don't you nibble on one of my droppings?" replied the bull.  "They're packed with nutrients."  The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after the fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.  Soon after he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree for his supper.

Corporate Lesson? B*ll-Sh*t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there!

May 20, 2006 12:52 am

[quote=Devoted SA]

 menotellname..you got that one too?

[/quote]

Yup...I've got all nine of them.

May 20, 2006 1:14 am

Check out www.thekidfrombrooklyn.com

It's a hoot.

May 31, 2006 1:51 pm

Be Careful What You Wish For.

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger,
fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll
have  the same," says the ostrich.

 A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will
be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls
out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the  same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until, the two enter again.
"The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will
 have a steak, baked potato, and salad,"! Says the man. "Same,"
 says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."


Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and
places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity
any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic
and  found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and    offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay
for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount  of money would always be there."


"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish  for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

 "That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the
exact money is always there," says the man.


The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a
tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I
say."

Jun 8, 2006 5:32 pm

Happy Birthday California!!!

California- 156 years ago:

Do you know what happened this week back in 1850, in California?

* California became a State

* The State had no electricity

* The State had no money

* Almost everyone spoke Spanish

* There were gun fights in the streets

So, basically, it was just like California today - except the women had real breasts and the men didn't hold hands!

Jun 8, 2006 7:02 pm

an abreviated version..

Einstein dies & goes to heaven. When he gets there he thinks "who in the hell am I going to talk with here?" 1st guy he meets he asks "what's your IQ?" Guy says 170. Einstein says "Great, we'll talk about astro physics!" 2nd guy Einstein meets he asks "what's your IQ?" guy says 140. Einstein says "Great, we'll talk about the arts, etc!"3rd guy Einstein meets he asks "What's your IQ?" Guy says 80. Einstein says "Great, we'll talk about the stock market!"

Jun 10, 2006 12:08 am

True story heard on the news:

A pastor in England excused himself from Sunday services, to go to the bathroom. Trouble is, he was still wearing his wireless microphone, while in the bathroom. And well...you guessed it. The congregation was very amused. No word on the pastor, however. 

Jun 10, 2006 9:30 pm

…shades of The Naked Gun…

Jun 15, 2006 1:51 am

Two guys are discussing one’s upcoming wedding. “I’m not
sure if my future bride is a virgin or not.”

His buddy replies, "Oh, there’s an easy test for that.  All you need
is some red paint, some blue pain and a shovel. You paint one ball
red and one ball blue.

“On your honeymoon, if she laughs and says, ‘Those are the funniest
balls I’ve ever seen!’ you hit her with the shovel!”

Jun 15, 2006 8:42 pm

another cutesy wootsey one, but eliminate #9 and you can hand it out at client seminars.

Stock Market Investment tips for 2006

Get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations in 2006.

1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R.Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly Warner Cracker.

3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and issue forth as: MMMGood.

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.

5. FedEx is expected to join its major competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become:
Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: Poupon Pants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will
become: Knott NOW!

9. Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new
name: Titty Titty Bang Bang

Jun 15, 2006 11:56 pm

Great stuff, Devoted SA. Perhaps your true calling is as an investment banker, putting together some of the aforementioned merger deals.

Jun 16, 2006 5:08 pm

 I’ll do my best to make it happen, maybe with #9 I can come up with some smokin’ support undergarments like on Austin Power’s fembots!