Many cultural variations exist in the United States. One such difference is that between the straight world and the LGBTQ one, mostly because society, for centuries, discriminated against non-straight people, even imposing the death penalty in some cases. Despite the Supreme Court’s decision recognizing same-sex marriage and many state-level anti-discrimination laws, discrimination still exists. For example, many retirement communities, assisted living and memory care facilities don’t accept LGBTQ relationships.
Each time you interact with an LGBTQ client, you cross this unseen borderline, and just like traveling to another country, you need to adjust to the new culture. You really can make a positive difference when you correctly bridge this cultural gap. Individuals often have endured a lifetime of fear, bullying, family rejection, job losses, verbal harassment, physical attacks and other forms of harassment and discrimination. Now imagine how they’ll feel when meeting a wealth advisor with whom they can honestly discuss their specific needs and concerns. Your emotional intelligence and basic human kindness could prove to be priceless.
Trusted Advisor Duties
In my family advisory practice, I find one of the more difficult professional situations occurs when the client is LGBTQ but still “in the closet.” First, I have to learn who in the family knows the client is LGBTQ because the client has told them, who among the relatives just figured out the truth by observation, who among the kinfolk may know but deny the truth and which relatives remain oblivious. Clearly, maintaining client confidentiality is always paramount but that core duty becomes exponentially more complicated in these situations, especially when providing estate and long-term financial planning.
Next, I often find it helpful to seek assistance in “connecting the dots.” For some families, it’s invaluable to have a non-emotional party available to facilitate conversations. Many times, there’s someone (or several people) in a family who already know or would champion for their LGBTQ loved ones afraid to exit the closet.
The moment is emotionally charged. Step back for a moment: Your LGBTQ client or family member has dealt with discrimination and fear of rejection (especially from their parents) for years or even decades. They’ve mentally run countless scenarios of possible outcomes, and usually focus on the worst. This one fear will override all else and likely will keep someone hiding deeply in the closet.
For the parents and family, the “coming out” may be the first hard realization that their child or sibling is LGBTQ and result in emotional shock. Family members (especially the usually dominant voices) may say or even shout hurtful comments that may not represent how everyone feels. At these difficult inflection points, I heed the advice of an older friend: Give everyone some time to process the disclosure and come to terms with the implications.
This anxiety may persist for years, especially for Baby Boomers and Gen Xers. I exited the closet decades ago but on occasions still worry about how some individuals may react to my gender identity.
Where To Start
Start by assessing your own approach to helping LGBTQ clients and their families. Are you sure they’re being completely honest and open with you? Are you really sure? What can you do to make them feel more at ease, so you can at least start a conversation? (Perhaps you could make copies of this article, for one thing. Or you could put brochures in your waiting area describing upcoming local Pride month events.)
When a client feels comfortable and opens up to you, say that you understand that this issue is sensitive but that it’s also important for you to get more information. Here’s a series of questions you can ask:
- Do you feel comfortable if I ask you a few more, (somewhat) probing questions?
- What’s your own level of comfort with being out of the closet?
- After considering the client’s age/life stage, ask: Do you know that you might have different financial (or legal) needs than a straight person? If they say yes, follow their lead. If not, tell them that you still may be able to help them further.
- Does anyone in your family know?
- Do those family members in the know accept your LGBTQ status, or did you experience rejection?
- How do you identify? Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender or Queer?
- Do you consider yourself “out” to the public?
- Does your family/siblings/co-workers/husband/wife/children/grandchildren know? (In older generations, LGBTQ people often felt obligated to enter into straight marriages and even conceive children, all while remaining deeply closeted.)
- Do you have a significant other(s)? (Some of your clients may have polyamorous relationships.)
- Are you legally married? What’s the jurisdiction? (Yes, the answer still matters, even with the 2015 U.S. Supreme Court ruling.)
- Do you have a prenuptial agreement (prenup)? Is this prenup only for your straight marriage, or do you also have a written, legal agreement with an LGBTQ partner?
- Have you already prepared estate-planning documents?
- Are you part of (for example, a beneficiary) of someone else’s estate planning?
- Do you have any shared business or financial interests with your family?
- Do you have control of these interests—or would a family member move to block your LGBTQ spouse/partner from inheriting your assets or exercising power of attorney or medical power of attorney (even if you both signed documents that give them that authority)?
- Do you have children or other minors in an LGBTQ relationship that you haven’t acknowledged in legal documents or who otherwise might have claims on your assets?
- (Super sensitive question with big legal, even law enforcement implications): Have you ever been, or are you now being, blackmailed because of your sexuality? If so, what lawful actions do you need me to take to help you out of the situation?
- Is there anything that I didn’t ask you but should have?
*This article is an abbreviated summary of the original, “A Guide to Non-Binary Families,” which appears in the July/August 2022 issue of Trusts & Estates.