Weekend Joke

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Sep 14, 2007 10:44 am

A very wealthy financil advisor says to his wife, " Honey, if I lost all my money, would you still love me ?"


" Of course I would," replied the wife, " But I'd miss you ... "

Nov 5, 2007 1:26 pm

Some (decidedly one-sided, but funny) political humor from the late night talk shows...








Nov 7, 2007 3:00 pm

 Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned

 pretty badly.

 

 The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so

 they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and

 Gomer.

 

 The three men had always done everything together.

 Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled

 back the sheet, Cooter said,  "Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad.
 You better roll him over." The mortician rolled him over

 and Cooter said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."

 

 The mortician thought this was rather strange. So

 he brought Gomer in, to confirm the identity of the

 body.

      
Gomer looked at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty

well burnt up. Roll him over."

  
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No,

 it ain't Bubba."

 

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Gomer

said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."

"What? He had two assholes?" asked the mortician.

 Yup, said Gomer, we never seen 'em, but everybody

 used to say,



 
" There's Bubba with them two assholes."
Dec 10, 2007 1:05 pm
I'm gonna eat your fingers joke:
 
I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed.  At one point she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.  Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers," pretending to eat them.
 
I went back to packing, looked and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.  I said, "What's wrong, honey?"
 
She replied, "What happened to my booger?"
 
 
 
 
Dec 13, 2007 5:47 pm

A young couple joined a new church and the pastor told them, 'We require all new member couples to abstain from sex for one whole month.

 
'The couple agreed, but after two weeks returned to see the pastor. The wife was crying and the husband was obviously depressed.
 
'You are back so soon, is there a problem?' inquired the pastor.
 
'We did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month,' the young man replied sadly. 'The first week we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible and as we began the third week we were powerless.
 
'The pastor asked what happened. The young man replied, 'My wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I had my way with her right then and there. It was lustful, loud, and passionate. It lasted over an hour and when we were done we were both drenched in sweat.'The pastor lowered his head and said sternly, 'You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church.''We understand,' said the young man, hanging his head, 'we're not welcome at #0066cc 1px dashed">Home Depot either
Dec 14, 2007 11:07 am

I wonder if Tom Brady has this much class...

 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YnCkxTYew-0
 
Dec 15, 2007 12:25 am

Pink Taco: last one better than the booger one.

Hey, even Trolls can post funnies, too! Yaba dabba doooo.
This just in...
 


Feb 13, 2008 12:41 pm

#000000; FONT-FAMILY: Times New Roman">Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
 
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.
 
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
 
Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
 
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.
 
Women are so much better at estate planning than men.

Feb 13, 2008 5:30 pm

I just saw on CNN that Monica Lewinski changed her registration to Republican.  Apparently the Democrats left a bad taste in her mouth.

Feb 13, 2008 8:17 pm

Indy and EDJ4:

Feb 16, 2008 8:08 pm

At Northern Zoos, they place the name of the animal and its scientific name (in Latin) on the cage. In the South, they put the animal's name and a recipe on the cage.

 
From the land of boiled okra and pot liquor...yum-yum!
Feb 21, 2008 11:28 am

The WEDDING TEST 

 
 I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

 There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.


               


                My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view.


               


                It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else.


               


                One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invtations.


               


                She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.


               


                Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.         


                She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."


                I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.


                I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!


                With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"


                And the moral of this story is:


               


                ........Always keep your condoms in your car


               

Mar 6, 2008 2:09 pm

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed.  He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.<?: prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />



While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: 'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years.. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.  This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!'



His wife responds, 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom.  Be strong honey. I love you, too.'

Mar 6, 2008 2:46 pm

Johnny's teacher tells the class "Today we are going to play a guessing game. I'm going to hold an object under the desk and describe it to the class. The class has to guess what I'm holding. Ok,  the first object I'm holding under the desk is long and yellow."

 
Suzie raises her hand almost jumping out of her seat and blurts out "Banana, it's a banana!"
 
"No Suzie", says the teacher, "It's a pencil, but I really like the way you think."
 
"The next object I'm holding under the desk" says the teacher "is red and round"
 
Bobby raises his hand and yells out "It's an apple!"
 
"No Bobby" says the teacher, "it's a tomato, but I really like the way you think."
 
Then Johnny raises his hand. "Yes Johnny?" asks the teacher.
 
"I'm holding something under my desk" says Johnny " that's hard and has a head on it"
 
No No No!" exclaims the teacher "Johnny that's totally inappropriate for school !"
 
Well, it's a quarter" says Johnny "But I really like the way you think!"
Mar 7, 2008 1:26 pm

hahah geez.

Mar 9, 2008 10:36 pm

Superman is bored one night and wants to go out on the town.  So he goes over to Spiderman's house to see if he wants to go out.  Spiderman is busy with Mary Jane so Superman goes to Batman's house to see if he would like to go out.  Batman is on duty so no go there.

 
Superman decided to heck with it he will go out by himself.  After hours of drinking, Superman is flying around (quite drunk) and feeling a little in need of female companionship.
 
So Superman decides to fly over to Wonder Woman's house.  When he gets there he uses his xray vision and sees WW lying spread eagle naked on her bed.  Not feeling like going through the effort of romance, Superman decides to just fly in there and do his business with his super human speed.
 
(Small gust of air)  Wonder Woman: What was that?!?
Invisible Man: I don't know but my a$$ sure hurts!!
 
Mar 18, 2008 9:59 pm

Tues Joke:

 GIVING UP WINE






I was walking down the street when I was accosted
by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless
woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked,
"If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it
instead of dinner?"

"No I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless
woman told me.

"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?"
I asked.

"No, I don't waste time shopping," the homeless woman said.
"I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?"  
I asked. & amp; amp; amp; amp; lt; BR>
"Are you NUTS !" replied the homeless woman. "
I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!"

"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you the money.
Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my
husband and me tonight."

The homeless Woman was shocked. "Won't your husband
be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I
probably smell pretty disgusting."

I said, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman
looks like after she has given up shopping,
hair appointments and wine."  





http://www.jibjab.com/view/211590

Mar 19, 2008 8:44 am
BondGuy:

Johnny's teacher tells the class "Today we are going to play a guessing game. I'm going to hold an object under the desk and describe it to the class. The class has to guess what I'm holding. Ok,  the first object I'm holding under the desk is long and yellow."

 
Suzie raises her hand almost jumping out of her seat and blurts out "Banana, it's a banana!"
 
"No Suzie", says the teacher, "It's a pencil, but I really like the way you think."
 
"The next object I'm holding under the desk" says the teacher "is red and round"
 
Bobby raises his hand and yells out "It's an apple!"
 
"No Bobby" says the teacher, "it's a tomato, but I really like the way you think."
 
Then Johnny raises his hand. "Yes Johnny?" asks the teacher.
 
"I'm holding something under my desk" says Johnny " that's hard and has a head on it"
 
No No No!" exclaims the teacher "Johnny that's totally inappropriate for school !"
 
Well, it's a quarter" says Johnny "But I really like the way you think!"
 
I have told this joke numerous times since I read it and it brings about a laugh almost every time. Thx BG
Mar 20, 2008 9:14 am
MISS JONES:
BondGuy:

Johnny's teacher tells the class "Today we are going to play a guessing game. I'm going to hold an object under the desk and describe it to the class. The class has to guess what I'm holding. Ok,  the first object I'm holding under the desk is long and yellow."

 
Suzie raises her hand almost jumping out of her seat and blurts out "Banana, it's a banana!"
 
"No Suzie", says the teacher, "It's a pencil, but I really like the way you think."
 
"The next object I'm holding under the desk" says the teacher "is red and round"
 
Bobby raises his hand and yells out "It's an apple!"
 
"No Bobby" says the teacher, "it's a tomato, but I really like the way you think."
 
Then Johnny raises his hand. "Yes Johnny?" asks the teacher.
 
"I'm holding something under my desk" says Johnny " that's hard and has a head on it"
 
No No No!" exclaims the teacher "Johnny that's totally inappropriate for school !"
 
Well, it's a quarter" says Johnny "But I really like the way you think!"
 
I have told this joke numerous times since I read it and it brings about a laugh almost every time. Thx BG
 
Thanks. It's cute and mostly clean enough for Rotary.
 
Keep the jokes coming. I too repeat what I read here.
Aug 27, 2008 11:45 am
<FONT size=2><SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: 'Verdana','sans-serif'">Got a letter from Grandma the other day. She writes...</SPAN></FONT><SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: 'Verdana','sans-serif'"><?: prefix = u1 /><U1:P><FONT size=2> </FONT></SPAN><?: prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><O:P></O:P> Dear Nell, The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.   Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience followed!   I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is...and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed! I found that LOTS of people love Jesus! While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! There must have been a man from <?: prefix = ns0 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" /><?: prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach"... I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing ... he was enjoying this religious experience, too! A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.   Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks! Love, Grandma