Weekend Joke

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Nov 17, 2006 2:10 pm



We've all heard about people having guts or balls.  But do you really know the difference?

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask, "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."

Both will have the same outcome.

Nov 17, 2006 2:16 pm

Q:  Why did God invent women?


A:  'Cause try as he might, Adam just couldn't teach those darned sheep to cook.

Nov 17, 2006 7:19 pm

The difference between men and women:

A woman marries a man hoping that he will change...and never does.

A man marries a woman hoping that she will never change...and always does.

Nov 17, 2006 10:54 pm

The difference between a gentile woman and a Jewish woman:

The gentile woman tells her husband, "buy viagra."

The Jewish woman tells her husband, "buy Pfizer."


Dec 12, 2006 10:40 am

Ok ....it isn't the weekend, but this joke was too funny not to share with the "guys" . 


Why men are rarely published in Dear Abby


Dear Abby,








    I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision.



    I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs... Phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them." I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the street. 



    Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife.  I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.



    I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson motor cycle next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home. 



    It was at that moment, crouching behind my Harley, that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil. 



    Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?

Jan 15, 2007 7:17 pm

Two guys from Daniels County are quietly sitting in a boat at Fort Peck,

Montana, fishing and drinking beer.



Almost silently so as not to scare the fish Mel says, "I think I'm going to

divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months."



Earl continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says, "You better

think it over - women like that are hard to find."

Jan 15, 2007 7:25 pm

Jan 25, 2007 9:36 pm

I know I'm a bit early, but hey, I just came across this one

today.



A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with

four young mothers and their small children... "You all have obsessions," he

observed.... To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with

eating. You've even named your daughter Candy." He turned to the second

Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your

child's name, Penny." He turns to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is

alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little

boy by the hand and whispers. "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."

Jan 26, 2007 6:49 pm

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be

THE

Man Of Your House."



He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you

need

to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law.







You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating

my

meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going

to

go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want.







Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash

my



back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my

feet

and hands.







Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"







The wife replied, "The f**kin' funeral director would be my first guess."



Jan 26, 2007 7:05 pm

My all-time favorite off-color joke:


A man dies and goes to hell, the devil is reassuring him that it's not as bad as everyone thinks and that he even gets to pick his punishment.  The devil takes him to the first door and opens it revealing a guy standing in the middle of a roomful of snakes, guy says "oh no I hate snakes", they go on to the next room.  A guy is standing in the middle of the room with his wife, mother-in-law, and his boss all yelling at him all at once, guys says "I had enough of that on earth".  The devil keeps taking him from room to room, each one more horrible that the last.  Finally they come to the last room, and the devil tells him "this is the last one, after this you have to pick where you want to spend eternity".  The devil opens the door to reveal a guy sitting in a recliner, drinking beer, watching the game, and receiving oral sex form a blond-headed cheerleader.  They guy is so excited he tells the devil "I'll take it".  The devil says "are you sure, remember this is for all eternity and while this may look nice you have to remember eternity is an awful long time."  "I know, I know, this is for me".  The devil says "o.k., there's no going back now" and he walks over to the cheerleader, taps her on the shoulder and says "you can go now, I've found your replacement."


Jan 26, 2007 7:22 pm

Jan 29, 2007 7:34 pm

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of their first stops was the breeding bull exhibit. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "See .. He mated 50 times last year? ... once-a-week." 


They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year." The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."


They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said, that's
once-a-DAY. You could REALLY learn something from this one."



The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow."


NOTE:

The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and the doctors say after months of rehab and a couple more operations he will be ok.

Jan 29, 2007 7:37 pm

I want to live my next life, backwards:



You start out dead and get that out of the way right off the bat.



Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.



When you get kicked out of the home for being too healthy.



You spend several years enjoying your retirement and collecting benefit

checks.



Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.



You work 40 years or so, getting younger every day until pretty soon

you're too young to work.



So you go to High School : drink alcohol, party, and you're generally

promiscuous.



As you get even younger -- pretty soon you become a kid again.



You go to elementary school, you play, and you have no responsibilities.



In a few years you become a baby and everyone runs themselves ragged

keeping you happy.



You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like

conditions - central h eating, room service on tap



Until finally. . .You finish off as an orgasm.

Jan 29, 2007 7:43 pm

ins. producer: I love that joke about the bull.

Jan 29, 2007 9:20 pm

Q:  What do you get when you cross a crooked lawyer with a corrupt politician?



A:  Chelsea.

Jan 30, 2007 10:34 pm

The following are 25 rules that guys live by:



1. Men are NOT mind readers.



2. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.

We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about

you leaving it down.



3. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it

be.



4. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that

way.



5. Crying is blackmail.



6. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not

work! Strong hints do not work!

Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!



7. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.



8. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what

we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.



9. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem. See a doctor.



10. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In

fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.



11. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act

like soap opera guys.



12. If you think you're fat, you probably are so don't ask us.



13. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways

makes you sad or angry, we meant the   other one



14. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it

done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.



15. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during

commercials.



16. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.



17. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.

Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have

no idea what mauve is.



18. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.



19. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like

nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the

hassle.



20. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer

you don't want to hear.



21. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.

Really.



22. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to

discuss such topics as SEX, CARS, the shotgun formation, or   HOCKEY.



23. You have enough clothes.



24. You have too many shoes.



25. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

Apr 3, 2007 5:48 pm

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, " I clocked you

at 80 miles per hour, sir."



The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your

radar gun needs calibrating."



Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear,

you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."



As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and

growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"



The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar

detector went off when it did."



As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector

unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through

clenched teeth, "woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"



The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your

seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off

when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back

pocket."



The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your

seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."



And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to

his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"



The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always

talk to you this way, Ma'am?"



"Only when he's been drinking."

Apr 3, 2007 7:44 pm

Apr 11, 2007 8:19 pm

No jokes to post today but will sometime; have pm'd jokes and they must like them so much that they don't delete them and their mailbox is full.  Or, they're technically challenged and haven't learned to use their delete key, yet.  I realize getting a pm from me is special but really!


No more for you.  The quota has been reached.

Apr 11, 2007 8:56 pm

A thought to pnder while you are waiting for he next joke to arrive...


Do





           infants




                            enjoy 


                                                               Infancy





          as                                     much                                      as






          adults





enjoy







                                                                                     adultry?