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Sep 13, 2006 11:46 am

I couldn't find the old joke thread and this is completely off topic but it made me laugh.  Probably will get deleted.



Once a woman was in labor; she was having a really tough time dealing  with  the pain. The doctor came to her husband and her and told them of a new experimental drug that allows the woman to transfer 25% of the pain to the father. The husband feels really bad for his wife so he decides they will try it.


The wife takes the pill and a few minutes later the husband says, "I don't  feel a thing. You women are babies. Take another pill I can handle this."  So the wife takes another pill. Same thing happens. Her husband tells her to take another pill. Same thing. By now she has transferred 75% of her pain to her husband. She is feeling a little pain but her husband is  still feeling nothing. He is convinced that women are complete wuses. He  tells her, "Take another pill. This isn't hurting me at all. Let me take  all the pain away." So she does. Now they are both feeling great.


A few hours later, the wife gives birth to a beautiful baby boy. The  next day they take their newborn son home, and there they find the mailman dead on the doorstep


Sep 13, 2006 12:04 pm

A couple of 98 year olds appear before the judge in divorce court. As the judge listens politely they make their respective cases. <?:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />


 


When they’ve finished the judge said, “I just have to ask; you’ve been married for 75 years, what made you chose this point I your lives, at 98 years of age, to end your marriage?”


 


The wife replied, “We were waiting for the children to die.”

Sep 13, 2006 1:13 pm

You know you're in California when...

Your co-worker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.



You make over $250,000 and still can't afford a house.



You take a bus and are shocked at 2 people carrying on a conversation in English.



Your child's 3rd grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring and is named Breeze.
You can't remember...Is pot illegal?



You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.



You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown and can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.
You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula.



You can't remember...Is pot illegal?



A really great parking space can move you to tears.



A low speed pursuit will interrupt ANY television broadcast.



Gas costs 75 cents per gallon more than it does anywhere else in the U.S.



A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps.  You don't even notice.



Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing the baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney IS George Clooney.



Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is into BSDM, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag.



You can't remember...Is pot illegal?



It's sprinkling and there's a report on every news station about "STORM WATCH 2006."



You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy Banks himself is teaching the 4:00 pm Tae Bo class.



You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cell phones or pagers.



It's sprinkling outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all
the weather-related accidents.



Hey!!!! Is pot illegal?



You AND your dog have therapists.


And lastly, the "Terminator" is your Govenor.

Sep 13, 2006 2:19 pm

Stockbroker: What is a million years like to you?


G-d: Like 1 second.


Stockbroker: What is a million dollars like to you?


G-d: Like 1 penny.


Stockbroker: Can I have a penny?


G-d: Gimme a second.....



Sep 13, 2006 2:26 pm

Where does a one-legged waitress work?






IHOP.

Sep 13, 2006 3:44 pm

Devoted SA.... After moving to So Cal about 18 months ago, its amazing how many of those are true.... It definately is different than the Northeast....

Sep 13, 2006 6:24 pm

BAD DAY AT THE OFFICE

Just as a word of explanation, this eMail is supposedly from a commercial saturation
diver for a firm out of Louisiana who performs underwater repairs on
offshore drilling rigs. Any time you
think you are having a bad day at the office, remember this letter. Supposedly a true
story.


-----------------------------------------


Just another note from your bottom dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad
day at the office.

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore
you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know my office lies at the
bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit.

This time of
year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a
diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of machinery sucks
the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temp. It then pumps it
down to the diver through a gardenhose which is taped to the air hose.

Now this
sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.
What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is I take the hose and
stuff it down the back of my neck. This floods my whole suit with warm water.
It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden,
my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things
worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from
my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened.

The hot
water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. This is even
worse than the poison ivy you once had under a cast.

Now I had that hose down my
back.  I don't have any hair on my back, so the jellyfish slid straight down.

I informed the dive
supervisor of my dilemma over the comms. His instructions were unclear due to
the fact that he along with 5 other divers were laughing hysterically. Needless
to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make 3 agonizing in-water
compression stops totaling 35 minutes before I could come to the surface for my
chamber dry decompression.

I got to the surface wearing nothing but my brass
helmet. My suit and gear were tied to the bell. When I got on board the medic,
with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream. The cream put the fire out,
but I couldn't use the bathroom for two days.

I later
found out that this could easily have been prevented if the suction hose was
placed on the leeward side of the ship.

Anyway, the next time you have a bad day
at the office, think about how much worse your day would be if you
were to shove a jellyfish down the back of your pants.

Sep 13, 2006 7:43 pm

Y'all (Translation: You all) made my day! Great stuff, man!!!

Sep 14, 2006 10:45 am
THREE THINGS TO THINK ABOUT:
 1. COWS,
 2. THE CONSTITUTION, and
 3. THE TEN COMMANDMENTS

COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government  can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the  stall  where she sleeps in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her  calves  to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal  aliens  wandering around our country. Maybe we should give them all a cow.

THE CONSTITUTION
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we  just give them ours? It was written by a lo t of really smart guys, it's worked for over 200 years and we're not using it anymore.

TEN COMMANDMENTS
 The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse........ You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery"  and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and  politicians -- it creates a hostile work environment.
Sep 14, 2006 10:51 am

    A man comes home from a long day at work and wants to spend some intimate time with his wife.  As he starts to put the moves on her she says "I'm not really in the mood for that right now can you just hold me?"
    Upset the man does as his wife wishes.  A few days later the two of them are out shopping.  The wife picks out three expensive outfits and can't decide which one to get.  The man responds "get them all"     The wife is overcome with joy but now insists that she needs shoes to go with the outfits "no problem" the man answers when the wife shows him three $200 pairs of shoes. 
    Finally they go to the jewelry counter where the wife picks out some diamond earrings and a tennis bracelet to complete the outfits.  After completing their shopping the wife says "I think I have everything now we can go to the cash register"
    To which the husband responds "You know I'm not really in the mood to pay for these things right now why don't you just hold them"

Sep 15, 2006 2:28 pm

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom"

Sep 15, 2006 2:29 pm

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"

Sep 21, 2006 2:38 pm

THE HUSBAND STORE


A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.


You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.


On the first floor the sign on the door reads:


Floor 1 - These men have jobs.


Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.


Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.


"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:


Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.


"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:


Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.


She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:


Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.


(Personally, I would have been overjoyed to make a purchase on the first floor.)


The Wife Store

The first floor has wives that love sex.


The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.


The third through sixth floors have never been visited

Sep 21, 2006 3:14 pm

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading"- Henny Youngman


"A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers." - Cliff Claven

Sep 21, 2006 4:38 pm

...That's a classic...think I'll surf around tonight and see if I can find some Cheers reruns...

Sep 21, 2006 4:40 pm
Indyone:

...That's a classic...think I'll surf around tonight and see if I can find some Cheers reruns...





Perhaps you should spend time on your marketing plans instead.



200 grand in your eigth year--it is to laugh, so you don't need Cheers.

Sep 21, 2006 4:48 pm

You sad, pathetic little forum whore...go walk your dog.

Sep 21, 2006 5:11 pm

BABS!  THAT WAS HILARIOUS!

Oct 3, 2006 2:21 pm

I don't remember if I posted this before.  If I did, it's still funny



Choosing a wife


A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.


The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.


The man was impressed.


The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.


Again, the man is impressed.


The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.


Obviously, the man was impressed.


The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.



Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.


Men are like that, you know.

Oct 4, 2006 11:53 am

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota, which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.


Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.

The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee, Lena. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.


The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the two men march down to the factory floor.


When they get there, the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The two men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.


After several minutes of hysterics, he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday. . . "

"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."