Jokes, riffs, smokes, tokes
Nothing serious at this thread, please.
What's the difference between the Rolling Stones and a Scotsman?
The Rolling Stones say, " Hey, you, get offa my cloud " and a Scotsman says, " Hey, McCloud, get offa my ewe! "
Three men are in a bar, all very drunk, and talking to each other, bragging about their families.
The first guy says, "I have four sons. One more and I'll have a basketball team."
The second guy says, "That's nothin'. I have eleven sons. One more and I'll have a football team."
The third guy, the drunkest of them all replies "You guys haven't found true happiness. I have seventeen wives. One more and I'll have a golf course."
Did you hear the one about the tight end who went to prison? He came out a wide receiver.
Why doesn't psychotherapy work on men?
They don't have to go back to their childhood.
B.B. King's wife decides that this is going to be the best year ever for his birthday celebration. She tries to think up a really special gift, and finally goes to a tatoo parlor and has a letter " B " tattooed onto each buttox.
The night after the big birthday party at the blues club, complete with music, dancing, shared with so many good friends, the couple gets home and she wants to show off her special gift.
B.B. is sitting in his favorite chair, having a relaxing " after drink drink", and listening to some cool jazz, when Mrs. King boogies into the room, hikes up her skirt and drops her drawers, and bends over.
B.B. stares at the naked posterior, just inches from his face, and after a puzzling for a few moments, asks, " Who's Bob?".
Why do you bury lawyers a thousand feet under the ground?
Because deep down, they're probably all right.
Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
They're trying to get away from the noise.
How can a bartender tell which men like Moose Head?
They're the one with antler marks on their hips.
A lion is down near the water hole, screwing the h*ll out of a zebra. Suddenly he sees Mrs. Lion walking towards them. He says to the zebra, " Quick, act like I'm killing you. "
A tourist comes to New York City from Iowa. He goes up to another man on the street and says, " Excuse me sir, can you tell me what time it is, or should I just go f*ck myself?".
A flasher was planning to retire, but he decided to stick it out for another year.
Little TONY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after
another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said,
"Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give
you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."
Little TONY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
Little TONY answered, "No, he minded his own f**king business.
Two sons wanted to do something really special for their father's ninetieth birthday, so they hire a female escort. When she arrives at the house, they send her upstairs and she sits down on the old man's bed and and says, " I'm here to give you some super sex." The old man hungrily gazes at her and says, " I'll take the soup."
Rene' Descartes walks into a bar and sits down. The bartender walks over to him and asks, " Would you like a drink?".
Descartes replies, " I think not" and disappears.