A Few Chuckles

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Oct 1, 2005 7:26 pm

This posting was taken from another chatroom, so I can't take credit for it.


Ten Comments You Don't Want to Hear From Your Financial Advisor

1 Remember how I said Yahoo was 'unstoppable'? Apparently it works in both directions.”

2 No, I don't mean it's time to sell your shares of eBay, I mean it's time to sell everything you own on eBay.”

3 Please don't hang up, I'm only allowed one call.”

4 Remember, we're investing for the long run. . . 50 years from now, we'll look back and laugh.”

5 Oops, I had these charts upside down. Darnit!”

6 Sure we were diversified, we had dot-coms from all over the place.”

7 You'll still be on the golf course, you'll just be carrying another player's bag.”

8 After the margin sellout, I recommend investing your last $100 into a blanket, a shopping cart, and a case of thunderbird.”

9 Allow me to illustrate: Suppose this ceramic coffee mug represents your investment portfolio and this cast iron paperweight represents the current economic trends. . .”

10 Good news! We can cross 'retirement' off your list of financial goals. That's one less thing to worry about.”



Oct 1, 2005 11:53 pm

From the Tonite Show w/ Jay Leno....


"Hey, any one got money in the stock market?"  (The fans cheers) "Look again"

Oct 2, 2005 5:52 pm

I remember, in the midst of the bear market....one advisor commented that

a client when asked to make an investment....responded, "just take your

commission and leave my account alone"



Oct 3, 2005 12:21 am

Anyone see Saturday Night Live this week?  Great Morgan Stanley spoof.

Oct 3, 2005 12:08 pm

i did not see it.  what was it about?

Oct 3, 2005 3:47 pm

Broker I knew in the 2000 crash was asked when the broker was going to make the client a millionaire.


Broker response... "You give me 2mill and 6months, and I'll make you a millionaire."



I thought it was great!!!

Oct 11, 2005 1:46 pm

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda,  says "Where in
the hell have you been?" He replies, "I  was out getting a tattoo." "A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?" "I got a hundred dollar bill on my pecker,"  he said proudly."What the  hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain.


"Why on earth would a stock broker get a  hundred  dollar bill  tattooed on
his pecker?"  "Well, one, I like to watch my money grow,  two, once  in a
while I like to  play with my money, three, I like how money feels in my
hand and lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can  stay  right here
at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."


Oct 11, 2005 11:17 pm

That last one is bad, but good..

Oct 17, 2005 8:31 pm

We can all breathe a little easier...literally:


(from the Foxnews.com website)


Burning Manure Pile in Nebraska Finally Goes Out


MILFORD, Neb. (AP) — It took nearly four months, but to the relief of neighbors miles around, a burning manure pile has been extinguished.


David Dickinson, owner and manager of Midwest Feeding Co., said Wednesday that several weeks of pulling the 2,000-ton pile apart proved effective by late last week.


"We got far enough through it, that it quit," Dickinson said. Dickinson's feedlot, about 20 miles west of Lincoln, takes in as many as 12,000 cows at a time from farmers and ranchers and fattens them for market.


Byproducts from the massive operation resulted in a dung pile measuring 100 feet long, 30 feet high and 50 feet wide. Heat from the decomposing manure deep inside the pile is believed to have eventually ignited the manure.


The Nebraska Department of Environmental Quality told Dickinson that his smoldering dung pile violated clean-air laws and it worked with him as tried to extinguish it.


Huge feedlots have become commonplace, and dung fires have occurred around the country.


Dickinson said his pile may have been ignited in part because of grass clippings his feedlot had been accepting from the city of Milford. The clippings could be more combustible and he plans to stop accepting them, Dickinson said.


Oct 17, 2005 8:34 pm

LOL....Now he should plant feed corn there...........

Oct 24, 2005 1:11 am
skeedaddy2:

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda,  says "Where in
the hell have you been?" He replies, "I  was out getting a tattoo." "A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?" "I got a hundred dollar bill on my pecker,"  he said proudly."What the  hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain.


"Why on earth would a stock broker get a  hundred  dollar bill  tattooed on
his pecker?"  "Well, one, I like to watch my money grow,  two, once  in a
while I like to  play with my money, three, I like how money feels in my
hand and lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can  stay  right here
at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."




PRICELESS.............

Nov 14, 2005 10:16 am

A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.<?:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />



After months of careful research, MALE &FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender."



MALE PROCEDURE: 1. Drive up to the cash machine. 2. Put down your car window. 3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.


4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw. 5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt. 6. Put window up. 7. Drive off.


FEMALE PROCEDURE:


1. Drive up to cash machine.


2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.


3. Set parking brake, put the window down.


4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.


5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up


6. Attempt to insert card into machine.


7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.


8. Insert card.


9. Re-insert card the right way.


10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.


11. Enter PIN.


12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.


13. Enter amount of cash required.


14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.


15. Retrieve cash and receipt.


16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.


17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of check book.


18. Re-check makeup.


19. Drive forward 2 feet.


20. Reverse back to cash machine.


21. Retrieve card.


22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.


23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.


24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.


25. Redial person on cell phone.


26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.


27. Release Parking Brake

Nov 14, 2005 10:47 am

Yup, sounds about right.... Cant live with em... but I'd probably kill myself if a couple werent around...

Nov 14, 2005 8:02 pm

Why is it I see so many women at ATMs reaching through partially open car doors rather than windows??????

Nov 18, 2005 10:34 am

Having reached the age of 65, I went to apply for
Social Security last week. After waiting in line for a
very long time, I finally got to the counter.

The woman there asked me for my driver's license to
verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized, to
my great dismay, that I had left my wallet on the
nightstand in my bedroom I told the lady that I was
very sorry, but I seemed to have left my wallet at
home. "I'll have to go get it and come back later," I
said.

At that point, she said to me, "Unbutton your shirt." I
was confused, but I opened my shirt, revealing lots of
curly silver hair. She said, "That silver hair on your
chest is proof enough for me," and, with that, she
promptly processed my application.

When I got home, I couldn't wait to tell my wife about
my experience at the Social Security Office. She
listened to the whole story and then said, "You should
have dropped your pants . . .. you might have gotten
disability, too."<?:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

Nov 18, 2005 10:50 am

A elderly, hard of hearing man and his wife go to the doctor, to see about the old man's health. The doctor tells him he'll need to run a few tests first.<?:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />


"I'll need a urine sample, a stool sample and a semen sample", says the Doc.


"Eh?" say the old man.


The doctor, trying to be understood by the hard of hearing man, says again, louder, and leaning forward, "I'll need a urine sample, a stool sample and a semen sample".


“What?”, says the old man.


Again, understanding the old man’s hearing problem, the Doc, almost yelling, and leaning closer still, says "I'll need a urine sample, a stool sample and a semen sample".


“Speak up, sonny!” says the old man.


The wife, having had enough, leans over to her husband and says “He wants your underwear”.



Nov 18, 2005 11:29 am

Nov 18, 2005 5:42 pm

Why is it I see so many women at ATMs reaching through partially open car doors rather than windows??????


Their arms are shorter?

Nov 21, 2005 10:57 am
babbling looney:

Why is it I see so many women at ATMs reaching through partially open car doors rather than windows??????


Their arms are shorter?




Makes sense, or rather it would make sense if the reach through a partially open door was shorter than one through an open car window. It never seems to be. 

Nov 21, 2005 12:28 pm

Well, there is also a matter of physics and physiology.  Most women have an impedement on our chests that make it hard to reach over the edge of the window and our torsos are shorter.  I dare you to try to reach over the edge of a car window in a D cup bra..... and more importantly please take a picture of  you doing it and post on this site so we can all have a good laugh