2005 - The M&A Year:
Friday, December 23. North Pole and Jerusalem: Christmas and Hanukkah will merge. An industry source said that the deal had been in the works for about 1300 years, among the longer M&A negotiations, according to Goldman Sachs and Morgan Stanley who handled the deal.
While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Hanukkah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining froces, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high quality survice during the Fifteen Days of Chrismukah, as the new holiday will be called.
Massive layoffs are expected, with lords-a-leaping and maids-a-milking being the hardest hit.
As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to an even wider audience.
Instead of translating to "A miracle happened there," the message on the dreydl will be a more generic "Miraculous stuff happens." Jews will now be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering thier gifts.
One of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were declared to be Kosher.
A spokesman for Christmas, Inc., declined to say if a takeover of Kwanzaa might be in the works. He pointed out that, were it not for the independent existence of Kwanzaa, the merger between Christmas and Hanukah might be seen as an unfair monopoly of the holiday market. Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help maintain the competitive balance and avoid any regulatory and anti-trust problems.
He closed the press conference by leading all those present in a rousing rendition of "Oy Vey, All Ye Faithful."
For all of those working today... Happy/Merry Chrismukah!!!