Jokes, riffs, smokes, tokes

What's the difference between the Rolling Stones and a Scotsman?

The Rolling Stones say, " Hey, you, get offa my cloud "  and a Scotsman says, " Hey, McCloud, get offa my ewe! "

Three men are in a bar, all very drunk, and talking to each other, bragging about their families.

The first guy says, "I have four sons. One more and I'll have a basketball team."

The second guy says, "That's nothin'. I have eleven sons. One more and I'll have a football team."

The third guy, the drunkest of them all replies "You guys haven't found true happiness. I have seventeen wives. One more and I'll have a golf course."

Did you hear the one about the tight end who went to prison? He came out a wide receiver.

Why doesn't psychotherapy work on men?

They don't have to go back to their childhood.

B.B. King's wife decides that this is going to be the best year ever for his birthday celebration. She tries to think up a really special gift, and finally goes to a tatoo parlor and has a letter " B " tattooed onto each buttox.

The night after the big birthday party at the blues club, complete with music, dancing, shared with so many good friends, the couple gets home and she wants to show off her special gift.

B.B. is sitting in his favorite chair, having a relaxing " after drink drink", and listening to some cool jazz, when Mrs. King boogies into the room, hikes up her skirt and drops her drawers, and bends over.

B.B. stares at the naked posterior, just inches from his face, and after a puzzling for a few moments, asks, " Who's Bob?".

What do you call a bouncer in a guy bar?

A flame thrower.

What should you do when a pit bull starts humping your leg?

Fake an orgasm.

Why do you bury lawyers a thousand feet under the ground?

Because deep down, they're probably all right.

Why do bagpipers walk when they play?

They're trying to get away from the noise.

How can a bartender tell which men like Moose Head?

They're the one with antler marks on their hips.

A lion is down near the water hole, screwing the h*ll out of a zebra. Suddenly he sees Mrs. Lion walking towards them. He says to the zebra, " Quick, act like I'm killing you. "

Two Irishmen walk out of a bar ...

Hey, it could happen!

Why do the Irish have potatos and the Arabs oil?

The Irish got first choice.

A tourist comes to New York City from Iowa. He goes up to another man on the street and says, " Excuse me sir, can you tell me what time it is,  or should I just go f*ck myself?".

A flasher was planning to retire, but he decided to stick it out for another year.

Two sons wanted to do something really special for their father's ninetieth birthday, so they hire a female escort. When she arrives at the house, they send her upstairs and she sits down on the old man's bed and and says, " I'm here to give you some super sex." The old man hungrily gazes at her and says, " I'll take the soup."

How do you make holy water?

Put some water in a pan and boil the hell out of it.

Rene' Descartes walks into a bar and sits down. The bartender walks over to him and asks, " Would you like a drink?".

Descartes replies, " I think not" and disappears.

Did you hear about the new Chinese restaurant that has really hot spicy food?

It's call Szechuan fire.

A maitre d’ goes over to a middle aged Jewish couple eating in his restaurant. He asks them, " Is anything all right ?"

A man walks out into his driveway early one morning to pick up the newspaper. As he picks it up, he sees a snail crawling across the front page, and says " Oh, gross!" and flips the snail into the bushes.

A year later, the man walks out to retrieve his morning paper, and sees the same snail crawling across the front page. The snail looks up at the man and says, " What was that all about?".

Subject: Explanation of Tax Reduction, How it Works, Made easy to Read and Should be Simple to Understand!!! Let’s put tax cuts in terms everyone can understand. Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100. If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this: The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing. The fifth would pay $1. The sixth would pay $3. The seventh would pay $7. The eighth would pay $12. The ninth would pay $18. The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59. So, that’s what they decided to do. The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve. “Since you are all such good customers,” he said, “I’m going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20.” Drinks for the ten now cost just $80. The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes, so the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free. But what about the other six men - the paying customers? How would they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his 'fair share? They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that from everybody’s share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer. So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man’s bill by roughly the same amount, and he proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay. And so: The fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings). The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33% savings). The seventh now pay $5 instead of $7 (28% savings). The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% savings). The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% savings). The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% savings). Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to drink for free. But once out-side the restaurant, the men began to compare their savings. "I only got a dollar out of the $20,"declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth man,“but he got $10!” “Yeah, that’s right,” exclaimed the fifth man. “I only saved a dollar, too. It’s unfair that he got ten times more than I!” “That’s true!!” shouted the seventh man. “Why should he get $10 back when I got only two? The wealthy get all the breaks!” “Wait a minute,” yelled the first four men in unison. “We didn’t get anything at all. The system exploits the poor!” The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up. The next night the tenth man didn’t show up for drinks, so the nine sat down and had beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn’t have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill! And that, boys and girls, journalists and college professors, is how our tax system works. The people who pay the highest taxes get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore. In fact, they might start drinking overseas where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier. David R. Kamerschen, Ph.D. Professor of Economics University of Georgia FOR THOSE WHO UNDERSTAND, NO EXPLANATION IS NEEDED. FOR THOSE WHO DON’T UNDERSTAND, NO EXPLANATION WOULD EVER BE POSSIBLE!!

She had a butt like Ohio.

Round at both ends and "high" in the middle.

I like the tax cut explanation, but as an FYI, it was not written by David Kamerschen.